Monday, June 14, 2010

Save The Bandit With Time Travel!

Aside from all the other problems that need fixing, scientists need to get on making time travel a reality ASAP.

"Sounds like a great idea," you're thinking. "It would be great to go back & fix history before it ever went wrong." While that is a noble thought, if we've learned anything from Doctor Who it's that the past is fixed & no about of mucking about is going to change anything. In most cases, it would in fact make things worse.

What I want to do with my personal time travel device is very simple & would fix the future. I want to go back to, say, 1977 and grab Burt Reynlolds, Jerry Reed, Dom DeLuise & the whole gang and bring them to 2010 so they can keep making Smokey & The Bandit movies before Hollywood decides to remake them.

I admit, this is a purely selfish move on my part. But when you get your own time machine you can do what you want with it.

Look, it's only a matter of time before some dim-bulb studio executive gets the dim-bulb idea to remake all those great car chase films of that era. And when they do, the law of averages says that they're not only going to get it wrong, they're gonna get it horribly, horribly wrong.

I have a recurring nightmare where they remake Smokey & The Bandit with Gerard Butler as Bandit, Larry the Cable Guy as Snowman, John Goodman as Sheriff Buford T. Justice and Megan Fox as Mouse. All of the chase scenes are CGI and they get somebody like Rascall Flats to cover "Eastbound & Down." Of course, it makes 100 Gajillion dollars, so they go ahead & remake Hooper and Cannonball Run, screwing them up beyond all belief and I wake up screaming.

Were any of these truly landmark works of cinematic art? Of course not. But they were fun. Remakes of them wouldn't be any fun at all. They'd be prepackaged & market-researched to within an inch of their lives. Director Hal Needham didn't need a focus group to tell him that audiences love to see cars get smashed up reeaaal good. Everybody loves that.

Are there drawbacks to my plan? Of course. If history follows, Burt & company will eventually have to make versions of Cannonball Run 2 and Stroker Ace. But you've got to take the good with the bad and quite frankly, I'd rather watch any version of Stroker Ace over any 5 minutes of The Fast & The Furious franchise any day.

So get me my time machine Science Guys. We've got a long way to go & a short time to get there and I sure don't want to make that trip with Shia LaBouef.

1 comment:

On My Feet said...

Well said, sir!
Imagine a remade "Mother, Juggs and Speed" with Chris Rock, Pam Anderson and one of the loopy Baldwin brothers...
Lacking time travel, I'd settle for a dollar for each t-top Trams Am sold as a result of those Bandit movies.
A bit stunned, too, that the 'movie quote' sites don't have any entries from those movies. But they DO have a few from Buckaroo Banzai, so it's all good.