Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dirty Bomb

So, according to the report I saw on the CBS Evening News last night, Al Qaeda has a new weapon in its arsenal.

Not to be indelicate but basically they've taken a page from drug mules and are inserting explosives in, umm, let's call it a very uncomfortable place & detonating them with a cell phone.

How effective this method of mayhem will turn out to be remains to be seen. But it has me worried.

I'm not scared of a crazy man with an exploding butt because if it's my time to go, there's not much I can do about it and at least there'll be an interesting story to tell at the funeral.

What bothers me is how airport security is going to react. I mean, when that doofus tried to ignite his Reeboks, we all had to start taking off our shoes before flying. What in the world are we gonna have to go through if they're looking for an explosive suppository?

All I'm saying is, if some poorly paid haphazardly trained security screener is going to poke around my nooks & crannies, I'd better get more than a crummy bag of peanuts!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Playing Defense

It seems that it's time for me to once again defend my apathy towards two topics that are near & dear to many people's hearts...sports and reality TV.

The short version is: I don't care about either of these topics. That doesn't mean that I think you're stupid if you like them. If they make you happy, then I'm happy. Please don't jump down my throat if I don't share your enthusiasm. Most likely, I will stare blankly (if politely) during any discussions of who won or lost this weekend or who got voted off.

To be more specific...as far as sports go, I have little to no athletic ability whatsoever. I have no depth perception, which means that any activity that involves things being thrown in the vicinity of my face is no fun at all for me. I practiced football for four miserable years in high school and hated it. When you suffer through consecutive 1-9 seasons and your cheerleaders suggest "Things Can Only Get Better" as a Homecoming theme, it tends to dampen your enthusiasm. Also, since I don't get paid by any college or professional team, no matter what the outcome, I find it hard to have a rooting interest.

As for Reality TV...well, I'm a bit of a snob there, I will admit. I love television but see the reality genre as a way for networks to make cheap, disposable programming that they don't have to pay writers, actors, producers or directors to create. Since my sympathies lie with artists who spend their careers trying to make that one special show that will entertain or move viewers rather than trying to see which washed-up celebrity can dance, I don't have a lot of love for the genre.

Also, I can see people act like jerks to others on a daily basis. I have no desire to spend an hour a week watching strangers behave that way on my TV. My rule is: If I wouldn't want to share an elevator ride with someone, I don't want to share my leisure time with them as well.

So, please, don't be offended if I don't share this passion with you. I'm not saying you're wrong for liking something I don't. I'll respect your right to watch whatever makes you happy if you'll also respect my right to not watch it at all.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Right Word Is Important

As a tribute to both the Beatles & my raging immaturity, I give you some of their very best songs with one minor change...see if you can figure out what it is:

A Hard Day's Poop

With A Little Help From My Poop

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Poop

And I Love Poop

Eight Poops A Week

A Poop In The Life

She Loves Poop

I Wanna Hold Your Poop

Poop Together

The Ballad of John and Poop

Somehow, I think the Fab Four would've approved.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Philosophy 101

I had a friend comment that he enjoyed my musings "Even when I disagree philosophically with them."

Well, thinking that I have a "philosophy" at all is flattering, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time, when I write these entries, I'm cruising on less than 4 hours sleep and jacked up on caffeine. It's a miracle that they're as coherent as they are.

Look, I don't write to try and change anyone's mind about anything...I write to ease my mind about everything. Any big ideas I have about politics or society can be boiled down to three basic thoughts:

(1) Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
(2) Love thy neighbor as you love yourself
(3) Whatever you do for the least of these, you do also for Me

Everything else is just me trying to be amusing (which means making myself laugh & hoping some of you find it funny too) or spouting off about complex topics that I have nowhere near the expertise to have an informed opinion about.

I suppose people reading my ramblings are enjoying them. I enjoy writing them. But please, don't think that I'm deluded enough to believe that I'm making a grand contribution to society by espousing my love of bad movies and good TV. I'm just taking a few minutes every few days to hopefully entertain you.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Got Nothin

So, been awhile since my last post because, quite honestly, I haven't really had anything new to say. "But that's never stopped you before!" I hear you say (and thanks so much for that, by the way.) It is true...usually I'll blather on about nothing just for kicks and giggles...like a Seinfeld episode without all the funny.

But everything I've thought of in the past few weeks fall into one of two categories: Stuff That's Derivative And Labored Even To Me and Manic Depressive Whining That's So Annoying That I Don't Even Want To Hear It.

So, for the literally single digits of you who haven't really been clamoring for it...I will return to semi-regular posting. Probably. When I think I've got something interesting to say.

Until then...enjoy the rare sounds of silence from me.