STATEMENT OF BELIEFS REGARDING HELPING ALL MANKIND
- I will endeavor to let people know, in the loudest, most direct way possible when they are behaving like a crapweasel. You're welcome, Crapweasels.
- If I see small children struggling to pick up a tiny object so they can put it in their mouths and their parents don't see what's happening, I will aid said children by handing them said object and, if necessary, guide it to their gaping maws. You're welcome, Parents.
- If a friend or family member is straying from the path of good taste by having the temerity to enjoy a different type of movie, book or television program than me, I will make every effort possible to guide them back to the correct path, even if it takes mocking them incessantly and thereby risking grave physical harm on my part. You're welcome, Friends and Family
- If someone on the world wide web endangers their own credibility by choosing to have a contrary opinion than mine, I will use every resource available to let them know the error of their ways, thereby preventing them from being "pwoned" by "noobs." You're welcome, World Wide Web.
- If someone is busting a quite clearly inferior move on the dance floor, I will show them how to get down with their bad selves, thus preventing them from getting "served" by other "sucker djs." You're welcome, Inferior Move Busters.
- If I am asked "Do these pants make me look fat?" and said pants do, indeed, make the wearer look like he or she is trying to smuggle two frozen hams in the back of their jeans, I will reply with honesty & integrity from a safe location many miles away with a letter sent 4th class media mail. You're welcome, Husky People
These are just a few of the ways I plan to assist my fellow man (or woman) to make their lives better. You don't have to thank me. I'm just here to be a blessing.