Tuesday, July 27, 2010


One of the more popular online acronyms today is "FML" which stands for (and I'm going to modify for the sake of gentility) "Frack My Life." I've seen it a lot lately. But I think it's being watered down by being used when it's nowhere near appropriate.

Look, I know things are tough & we all have bad days. But "FML" should only be used as the nuclear option of bad things happening. There are times when it's very applicable...but we should save it for those times.

You get your heart broken by someone you love...FML
There's a death in the family...FML
You lose your job or your home...FML
You lose an arm or a leg (but not fingers or toes, that's just inconvenient)...FML

Pretty much any other usage is just calling attention to day-to-day drama.

Didn't get enough sleep & are really tired? Annoying, but fixable
Video store gives you "Casper the Friendly Ghost" instead of "Citizen Kane?" A drag, but not the end of the world.
DVR didn't record "Big Brother?" It'll be available online somewhere.

To summarize: Catastrophic life changes...FML. Most everything else...whining.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Reading For Comprehension

Because these little missives of mine post in multiple places on the Internets, I'm never sure if they're actually being read or just power skimmed. That's actually not a bad thing. It gives me the freedom to say practically whatever I want in whatever way I choose to say it. Mimes ate cheese from expired barrels.

But it does make me wonder just how closely rabbits talk to me in my sleep people are actually reading what I write. I totally get that john travolta somersaults prairie dog bedrooms we're inundated with lots of information every day & it's hard to moose shoes are mostly green filter through it all.

So, if things are really busy mussolini sang tenor in a field of poppies, one might be tempted to skip over yet another self-indulgent the goblins married monkeys on arbor day blog post. But if I've ever written anything marshmallow smoothies reek of cinnamon that has moved you or made you laugh then tarantulas and cicadas wear sunglasses at night it's all been worth it.

In conclusion, turnips on pizza are the wave of the future thanks for taking the time justin bieber is the devil in disguise to read these things. I enjoy christina hendrics and anna kendrick play the spoons in jug band jam bringing them to you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted...

Look, I know this is a sensitive subject and I'm going to try & be as delicate as I can, but the time has come to discuss a little public restroom etiquette.

Having to perform needed bodily functions in public is stressful enough without rudeness or stupidity making it more awkward. So, if we can just agree to a few simple rules, we can make the experience more pleasant for everyone.

*No Talking. This isn't "Get To Know Your Neighbor" time. Depending on the degree of difficulty, I'm probably extremely embarrassed by the ambiance I'm creating. I don't want to discuss it with you. I don't even want to make eye contact before, during or especially after. Let's just do our business & pretend it never happened.

*The Bathroom Is A Don't Ask/Don't Tell Zone. It's just simple decency. No matter what you hear or see in there, you don't walk out & share it with the room. That violates the Code Of The Pooper. If you must share, use the same 24 hour rule that applies to calling after a first date.

*Own Up To Your Mistakes. If you commit an egregious fouling of the facilities & can't flush the evidence, don't leave it to be discovered by the next guy. I know it's humiliating, but take the time to let someone know you committed the ultimate party foul.

*Friends Bathrooms Are For #1 Only. Unless there's no alternative, don't take the Browns to the Super Bowl at a friend's house. There's too many disasters waiting to happen with this scenario. Better to rupture something than to have to ask The Most Awkward Question In The World: "Do you have a plunger?"

So let's be courteous & discreet when dealing with our private business in public...and a courtesy flush is always appreciated.