Tuesday, July 27, 2010


One of the more popular online acronyms today is "FML" which stands for (and I'm going to modify for the sake of gentility) "Frack My Life." I've seen it a lot lately. But I think it's being watered down by being used when it's nowhere near appropriate.

Look, I know things are tough & we all have bad days. But "FML" should only be used as the nuclear option of bad things happening. There are times when it's very applicable...but we should save it for those times.

You get your heart broken by someone you love...FML
There's a death in the family...FML
You lose your job or your home...FML
You lose an arm or a leg (but not fingers or toes, that's just inconvenient)...FML

Pretty much any other usage is just calling attention to day-to-day drama.

Didn't get enough sleep & are really tired? Annoying, but fixable
Video store gives you "Casper the Friendly Ghost" instead of "Citizen Kane?" A drag, but not the end of the world.
DVR didn't record "Big Brother?" It'll be available online somewhere.

To summarize: Catastrophic life changes...FML. Most everything else...whining.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Reading For Comprehension

Because these little missives of mine post in multiple places on the Internets, I'm never sure if they're actually being read or just power skimmed. That's actually not a bad thing. It gives me the freedom to say practically whatever I want in whatever way I choose to say it. Mimes ate cheese from expired barrels.

But it does make me wonder just how closely rabbits talk to me in my sleep people are actually reading what I write. I totally get that john travolta somersaults prairie dog bedrooms we're inundated with lots of information every day & it's hard to moose shoes are mostly green filter through it all.

So, if things are really busy mussolini sang tenor in a field of poppies, one might be tempted to skip over yet another self-indulgent the goblins married monkeys on arbor day blog post. But if I've ever written anything marshmallow smoothies reek of cinnamon that has moved you or made you laugh then tarantulas and cicadas wear sunglasses at night it's all been worth it.

In conclusion, turnips on pizza are the wave of the future thanks for taking the time justin bieber is the devil in disguise to read these things. I enjoy christina hendrics and anna kendrick play the spoons in jug band jam bringing them to you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted...

Look, I know this is a sensitive subject and I'm going to try & be as delicate as I can, but the time has come to discuss a little public restroom etiquette.

Having to perform needed bodily functions in public is stressful enough without rudeness or stupidity making it more awkward. So, if we can just agree to a few simple rules, we can make the experience more pleasant for everyone.

*No Talking. This isn't "Get To Know Your Neighbor" time. Depending on the degree of difficulty, I'm probably extremely embarrassed by the ambiance I'm creating. I don't want to discuss it with you. I don't even want to make eye contact before, during or especially after. Let's just do our business & pretend it never happened.

*The Bathroom Is A Don't Ask/Don't Tell Zone. It's just simple decency. No matter what you hear or see in there, you don't walk out & share it with the room. That violates the Code Of The Pooper. If you must share, use the same 24 hour rule that applies to calling after a first date.

*Own Up To Your Mistakes. If you commit an egregious fouling of the facilities & can't flush the evidence, don't leave it to be discovered by the next guy. I know it's humiliating, but take the time to let someone know you committed the ultimate party foul.

*Friends Bathrooms Are For #1 Only. Unless there's no alternative, don't take the Browns to the Super Bowl at a friend's house. There's too many disasters waiting to happen with this scenario. Better to rupture something than to have to ask The Most Awkward Question In The World: "Do you have a plunger?"

So let's be courteous & discreet when dealing with our private business in public...and a courtesy flush is always appreciated.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Twilight Time

I wish I could say that I was excited about the whole "Twilight" phenomenon. It would seem to be right up my alley...vampires & werewolves fighting it out over the fate of a girl. Sounds pretty gripping, does it not?

Well, it's just not my cup of plasma. I know I'm not the target demographic (which, I believe, is alienated 14-16 year old girls who may or may not have a Hot Topic credit card.) Even friends close to my own age love it & I'm glad they do. It's great to have something to be passionate about.

But I think I'm over the "Sensitive Vampire Just Searching For Love." Because, if you peel away the monster mythology from that story it becomes "Nice Girl Tries To Change Bad Boy." Which is something that, in the real world, rarely ever works or ends well.

I know, I know...we can all point to examples in our real lives of Good Girls who dated the Bad Boy but were able to get him to mend his wicked ways with the power of their smooches. But those situations are exceptions to the rule. They're the small miracles that don't happen but once in a full moon (what, you thought I wasn't going to work in a werewolf reference? Silly you.)

Speaking as a male person, let me give any young lady who's trying to transform her very own vampire into someone she won't be embarrassed to take home to Mom & Dad or have to bail out of jail once a week: Give up. It's not worth the heartache & trashed credit ratings it's gonna cost you to find out that Vlad would rather suck your blood than write you moony poems.

Look, you should feel lucky if you can get a guy to change the channel, much less his entire lifestyle. I know guys who will sit through practically anything for hours if the remote is not in reach. If it's a choice between moving off the couch or watching the Shake Weight infomercial again, well, let's just say the Shake Weight will win every time.

Have you ever tried to get your significant other to throw out those sweatpants from college? The ones that are now 3 sizes too small & have a permanent funk that no amount of Clorox can burn away? The ones he keeps because he scored a touchdown in intramural football during his Freshman year at State? How well has that gone for you? That's what I thought.

Look, if it's "Twu Wuv" and you're in no physical danger, fine, don't listen to me. Go for it. You'll be the miracle cure for Snake's sociopathic, obsessive-compulsive, functioning alcoholic tendencies. You'll be the Buffy to his Angel (to borrow from another vampire-themed Good Girl/Bad Boy scenario.) I wish you all the best.

Just remember...some things that suck will always suck, no matter how much you wish they wouldn't.

Monday, June 21, 2010

No Day But Today...

As anyone who has taken the time to read any of these blatherings knows, I love the crazy make-'em-ups world of improv. A couple of times a week, I get the unique opportunity to get together with my friends and try to make people laugh. Some nights, I'm more successful than others, but thankfully I'm surrounded by people who are blessed with the ability to make me look like I know what I'm doing even when I don't.

I've often said that improv didn't save my life, but it sure did save my sanity. I think anyone who is involved in any one of the performing arts would say the same thing about their chosen field (and yes, improv is an art...even short form where things can get really silly really quick.) Any time you find a group of people who share a similar passion, you can't help but feel like you're part of something special, especially when being a part of something was never your strongest suit.

But I think there's a pitfall that's often overlooked...the fact that nothing lasts forever. Plays have a limited run, concerts and improv shows are (usually) one-night affairs and then it's over & time to move on to the next thing. It all goes by so fast that I'm afraid we don't take the time to appreciate what we have.

We should be enjoying the time we have right now, because it could all go away tomorrow. If you're given the chance to perform with talented, funny people and you're grateful for that...let them know. I'm just as guilty as anyone of taking things for granted & letting little things get in the way of the big picture. I forget that every show could be my last show. And if it were, while I'd want to make sure the audience had a good time, I'd also want the people I was onstage with to know what an honor it was to perform with them. I don't care if it's for a packed house, a group of 20 obnoxious teenagers or for 6 of our friends who showed up just because we needed them there to have a show at all.

I'm immensely grateful for the people I get to perform & practice with. They've made me laugh when we've been onstage and (at the very least) put up with me on days that I didn't even want to hang out with me. If you're one of these people, I thank you for that and so much more.

Please...take the time to savor the good things in your life. Don't take them for granted. We've only got today.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Helping Hand or Here To Be A Blessing

So, I've decided that I've just been to darn cranky & misanthropic lately. I need to be more mindful of my fellow man (and woman.) So, I'm starting a personal campaign to be more helpful. This is my Mission Statement or Manifesto, if you will. I hope if you find it inspiring, you'll join me in making the world a better place

  • I will endeavor to let people know, in the loudest, most direct way possible when they are behaving like a crapweasel. You're welcome, Crapweasels.
  • If I see small children struggling to pick up a tiny object so they can put it in their mouths and their parents don't see what's happening, I will aid said children by handing them said object and, if necessary, guide it to their gaping maws. You're welcome, Parents.
  • If a friend or family member is straying from the path of good taste by having the temerity to enjoy a different type of movie, book or television program than me, I will make every effort possible to guide them back to the correct path, even if it takes mocking them incessantly and thereby risking grave physical harm on my part. You're welcome, Friends and Family
  • If someone on the world wide web endangers their own credibility by choosing to have a contrary opinion than mine, I will use every resource available to let them know the error of their ways, thereby preventing them from being "pwoned" by "noobs." You're welcome, World Wide Web.
  • If someone is busting a quite clearly inferior move on the dance floor, I will show them how to get down with their bad selves, thus preventing them from getting "served" by other "sucker djs." You're welcome, Inferior Move Busters.
  • If I am asked "Do these pants make me look fat?" and said pants do, indeed, make the wearer look like he or she is trying to smuggle two frozen hams in the back of their jeans, I will reply with honesty & integrity from a safe location many miles away with a letter sent 4th class media mail. You're welcome, Husky People
These are just a few of the ways I plan to assist my fellow man (or woman) to make their lives better. You don't have to thank me. I'm just here to be a blessing.

Rock & Roll Fantasy

OK Rock Stars, sit down. You & I need to have a serious chat. There's something very wrong here and we need to get some things straight.

The disconnect began when I (very much against my will, but being a good spouse) went to see Iron Maiden. The show was what it was & I spent most of my time trying to figure out what the last song was going to be, which was no mean feat when you consider (a) I knew recognized about 2 1/2 Maiden songs in the first place and (b) there's not a lot of what you would call "Top 10 hits a band would close their show with" in the second place. ANYWAY...

Bruce Dickinson, Maiden's lumpy lead singer, made a huge point at the beginning of the show to point out that, "We're Iron Maiden. We don't date supermodels...we're all about the music!" I don't know if you've ever actually looked at Iron Maiden, but supermodels not wanting to date them didn't really surprise me. The look like they escaped from a Lord of the Rings reenactment. They looked very working class British. Basically, they're kinda homely.

But what threw me off was that Bruce was saying that they had no interest in dating supermodels. Quite frankly, if you don't want to date supermodels, what's the point of becoming a rock star in the first place?

And this attitude has spread. There was a time when the biggest press rock stars got was when they were partying hard, trashing hotel rooms & generally behaving badly. This scandalous behavior was noticed by 14 year old boys who seemed to think, rightly or wrongly, that it looked like a lot of fun & they wanted to do it so they formed a band & bang! Another generation of rock stars was born.

But today, most rock stars are talking about the causes they support or their efforts to save the environment or what we can do to enact change and make a difference. These are all noble & well intentioned and rock stars, let me say from the bottom of my heart, you need to knock it off.

Seriously...when you & your buddies got together and decided to become famous (whether you could play your instruments or not,) you entered into a social contract with me. The contract basically goes like this: You live the life that I can't & I'll buy your music.

It's that easy. I don't want to hear a lead singer tell me about recycling. I can recycle. What I can't do is party with strippers 6 nights a week. You're supposed to be doing all the stuff that we all secretly would do if we could. I'm aware that there's lots of bad stuff in the world, but the fact that you can destroy a room in the Dayton, Ohio Radisson and not go to jail for it somehow balances that out for me.

So please, I'm begging you, stop taking Sting or Bono's calls when they want you to make a video about the plight of the Western Sea Otter. Fight the urge to make your tour bus solar powered. And for goodness' sake, if your Crib has a compost heap & a windmill, keep it to yourself.

Remember, when one of you dates Heather Locklear, we all date Heather Locklear.