Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Opinons Are Like, Well, You Know

It seems like every few weeks, a thought will cross my mind and, with the ease of all the social networking options available on the interwebs, I will feel the need to share it. Usually, the gist of the thought is, "Somethingorother sucks." Not exactly eloquent prose, but what are you gonna do?

So, I share this brain nugget and, invariably, people who didn't do well on the "Reading For Comprehension" portion of the SAT will jump down my throat. Somehow, they think because I said something they liked sucks that automatically means that I think they suck for liking it...and then, usually, they want to convince me that I was mistaken and said sucky thing does not actually suck.

Here's the bottom line...there is stuff that I think sucks. Chances are, if I think it sucks, I've given it more than ample opportunity to prove that it indeed does not suck. Case in point: Styx and/or Dennis DeYoung.

When I was in high school (from 1984 thru 1987) and Styx was popular, I thought they sucked. During the years, when they were relegated to the oldies station, I still thought they sucked. When the band reformed with different members at different times and started touring small clubs and state fairs, I thought they sucked. And now, during the 21st century when they fill amphitheatres every summer touring with two or three other washed up 80's bands, I still think they suck. Basiclally, Styx has never broken through my Glass Ceiling of Suckitude.

Does that mean that I think their millions of fans suck because they enjoy Styx? Of course's a big world and a free country. If you want to have "Mr. Roboto" as your ringtone and as your home page, more power to you.

Look, I know the internet tubes are no place for subtle commentary and it's really hard to discern tone in written form without emoticons. But I promise you, if there's a band or tv show or movie that you adore and I think sucks, it doesn't mean that I think you suck as a human being for liking it.

So lighten up Francis!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Rules

We all have our own set of rules, precepts or codes that we live our lives by...bits of black & white in a shades of gray world. Here are some of mine.

#4 Do not talk to me in a public restroom. We can socialize all you want after I'm done with my business.

#4a If said restroom business involves one of us in a stall with the door closed, the rule may be amended to allow one and only one line of conversation: "Is there any toilet paper out there?"

#27 If we disagree on matters of theology or religion, you're not going to change my mind and I'm not going to change yours. Let's just agree to go get ice cream & avoid hours of pointless bickering.

#54 I have reached an age where I don't have the patience or inclination to even muster polite, socially acceptable interest in topics I could care less about. So, if you're talking to me about sports, the bored look on my face isn't going to change anytime soon.

#75 If you are a band that has (a) enough hits for a "Greatest Hits" album & (b) I have paid more than $25 per ticket to see your friggin' hits. Unless I have to go to the bathroom, I have no desire to hear cuts off your new album. Exception: Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band.

#82 If you state an opinion about any topic with arrogance and/or ignorance, I will mock you (Also known as "The D-Bag Rule.")

# 97 Wrestling fans posting on internet message boards: It's spelled "feud," not "fued." Don't ignore the spell check line

#145 Improv and stand-up are two vastly different things. Please learn the difference.

#245 Don't tell me I remind you of someone's dad unless you want to run the risk of getting kicked in the shins

#467 If I am sober enough to drive home, I am too sober to dance in public

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Truth In Advertising

As I write (type?)this, I'm wearing my "White And Nerdy" shirt that I got at a Weird Al Yankovic concert. There's no irony involved: Iam indeed white and am most definitely nerdy, so I consider it to be truth in advertising.

Which got me to thinking...why hasn't anyone come up with a t-shirt that automatically displays the personal characteristics of the wearer?

Think of how much time it would save and the conflicts it would prevent.

*When approaching women, guys could read the shirt that said "Dude, You Have No Shot" and avoid awkwardness and rejection.

*Women on blind dates could see "I Have Intimacy Issues And Watch ESPN All Day" and bail before the appetizer.

*Job interviews could be streamlined with the prospective employee reading "We're Going To Work You To Death For No Money" and interviewers seeing "I'm A Lazy Weasel Who Steals Office Supplies."

There are thousands of applications and the technolgy has to exist.

I may have come up with the way to world peace. You're welcome.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thoughts On A Tragedy

There's going to be millions and millions of words & commentary about the death of Steve McNair. I just have a couple that I want to add.

*If you're somewhere where you shouldn't ought to be with someone you shouldn't ought to be with, bad things can and will happen.

*From all accounts, McNair's "friend" bought a gun two days before the murder. I wonder if she had had to wait longer, had more time to calm down or reach out to friends or family for counselling or help that maybe things would have ended differently.

My thoughts & prayers are with the families and friends of the deceased.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Spoiler Warning!

Don't you hate people who give away the ending? With that said...SPOILER WARNING

Citizen Kane: Rosebud was his sled

The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis was a ghost

Ghost: Patrick Swayze was a ghost

Gone With The Wind: Rhett Butler frankly didn't give a damn

The Crying Game: She was a He

Tootsie: She was a He

Victor/Victoria: He was a She

Godfather II: It was you, Fredo

The Empire Strikes Back: The Empire strikes back

Rocky: He loses

Rocky II: He wins

Rocky III: Mickey dies

Rockey IV: Apollo dies

The Alamo: Everybody dies

Dirty Dancing: Baby gets out of the corner

Soylent Green: It's people

Stand and Deliver: Kids take a math test...twice

Titanic: The boat sinks

The Outsiders: Ponyboy stays gold

Oceans 11: They get away with it

Oceans 12: They get away with it in France

Oceans 13: They get away with making Oceans 11 all over again

Raging Bull: Jake LaMotta was not a very nice man

Alien: There's an alien

Aliens: There's a bunch of aliens

Transformers: They're disguise!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Movies I Want To Make: Superman Forever

Superman has had a checkered history on the big screen. There have been two great movies (the original "Superman" and "Superman II"), two horrible movies ("Superman III: We Got Richard Pryor" and "Superman IV: A Steaming Pile Of Crap") and one interesting failure ("Superman Returns" with a great performance by Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.) Since (a) Superman is my favorite comic book character and (b) I can bend time & space with my blog, I'm going to put on my fantasy producing hat & make the ultimate Superman movie.

Executive Producer: Me
Produced by Steven Spielberg
Directed by JJ Abrams
Written by Michael Chabon and David S. Goyer

Brendan Fraser as Superman/Clark Kent
Kate Walsh as Lois Lane
Michael Douglas as Lex Luthor
Jude Law as General Zod
Dean Stockwell as Perry White

Superman has made Metropolis the safest city in America. Under his watch, crime is virtually non-existent and he is beloved by everyone. Everyone but billionaire industrialist Lex Luthor. In his quest to undermine the Man of Steel, Luthor has sent an expedition to the arctic that has returned with an ancient Kryptonian relic that unleashes an unstoppable force on the city: Doomsday!

As the creature wreaks havoc, Superman tries to stop the beast, but is soundly defeated. All hope seems lost when, out of nowhere, Doomsday is stopped by another super-powered hero...the legendary Kryptonian military hero General Zod. While recuperating from his wounds in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman sees Zod take his place as Metropolis' new savior.

When Zod & Luthor release the remaining prisoners of the Phantom Zone to rule not only over Metropolis but the entire world, Superman returns to fight an epic battle to save the world.

The End...cue tons and tons of money on opening weekend.