Best Birthday Ever!

David Kross, who co-stars with Kate Winslet in "The Reader", had to wait until he turned 18 to film his steamy love scenes for the film.

I think I got a shirt & some sunglasses when I turned 18.

Kids today have it waaaaaayyyy better than I did.

Stupid kids.

Karma Can Be A, Well You Know

Four years ago, we had to get new windows. After a lengthy sales pitch from Sears Home Central (A name you can trust), we decided to go with them.

We were told we had one year to pay with no interest (which if you've ever priced windows, you'll know why we laughed & laughed), so we asked what the monthly payment would be after that. The first bill came & it was indeed the quoted price. Subsequent bills were higher & we discovered that the salesman hadn't revealed that we had an adjustible interest rate (something that is out of the question for us.) Long story short, we went to the Credit Union, paid 'em off & vowed never to use them again.

So tonight, a nice young man from Sears Home Central (A name that means "We'll rip you off."), offering free quotes for home improvements. I asked if they were still sticking people with adjustible rates without telling them. He said they'd gotten a lot of feedback about that & that's why they were "giving back to the community by offering these quotes." I told him politely, "Thanks but no thanks."

Karma sure can be a %i&$~.

Guess Who, Indeed.

It's the day millions of people have waited for for eight years and the day millions more have been looking forward to since November. The fanfare and hoopla which everyone is knee-deep in (with apologies to Starship) is everywhere. There's going to be wall-to-wall television coverage of today's historic inauguration. But it's important to make sure that the little moments don't slip through the cracks.

On this momentous day, what movie do you think Turner Classic Movies is showing to celebrate the new President?

"Guess Who's Coming To Dinner"

I love irony.

Taking The Pledge

I'm not going to do it. I got out...I was clean. I'm not going to get sucked in again.
I will not watch the last season of "Battlestar Galactica."

It's brilliant television. A stellar cast, great writing, deep mythology and riveting three dimensional characters that you care deeply about.

It also can be one of the grimmest, darkest, most depressing hours of TV you'd ever want to see. You could use up a years worth of anti-depressants on one episode and never crack a smile.

Granted, a show that starts out with the annihilation of the human race isn't going to be a laugh a minute but absolutely no one on BG ever has a good day. Which is why I had to give it up last year. There were episodes of Galactica that made Oz look like The Muppet Show.

I'm going to stay strong...I'm not going to be lured back in. I'm done. I'm out. I don't need compelling drama or intense action or literate science fiction. I'm a rock. I'm strong. No, no, no!

Who am I kidding. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, full-blown, five-alarm geek. A Buffy loving, Star Trekking, Comic reading, Web slinging, Tardis riding, Quantum Leaping nerd with absolutely no will power and I have no shame in admitting it.

I'm reporting for duty Admiral Adama...take me home!

Idol Chatter

It's finally here. Can you feel the electricity in the air? American Idol is back on our TV machines! Bad auditions! Dreams coming true! Crazy Paula! Jerky Simon! The New Girl with no distinct characteristics yet! The culmination of all that is good and wonderful in the world!!!!!!

And, just to clear things up before the big premiere, I don't give a crap.

When I say I don't give a crap, I mean I really, really, really don't give a crap. I don't give a crap about the psychos who don't have a shot but humiliate themselves for the chance to be on TV. I don't give a crap about the final (what seems like) 200 who spend (what seems like) nine months being whittled down to the final two. I don't give a crap about the judges, the song choices, the guest stars, the never ending media obsession, the eventual winner, the eventual winner's crappy debut album or pretty much anything associated with the show. If possible, I give even less of a crap about Ryan Seacrest.

Now before you Idol fans start losing your minds, let me be clear: If you enjoy the show, good for you. I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that there is anything wrong with being a fan. If it brings you joy or happiness, then more power to you. Feel free to watch & vote & root, root, root for your favorite contestant.

I however, as stated above, don't give a crap. Knowing this up front will save everyone some awkward moments in the coming months. I don't have to pretend to be interested in the show just to avoid being rude. We can find other topics of conversation that don't involve you trying to convince me that American Idol is worth my time and attention. Trust me, you're not going to convince me of that.

So enjoy the new season, Dawg! I'll just sit over here & enjoy the shows that are probably going to be canceled simply because they had the misfortune to be scheduled against Idol.

Ayers Out!

Early Oscar Predictions

Based on the just completed Golden Globes, here are my totally unscientific predictions for this year's Academy Awards...

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Actor: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress: Kate Winslet

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger

Best Supporting Actress: Someone other than Kate Winslet

"Wait," you ask, "Just how are these bold predictions?" Good question...they're not. The Oscars aren't about surprises. They're about safety. Which means I'm wrong about Best Actor & Best Picture, cause the Academy probably won't let a wild card like Rourke finish his victory lap for "The Wrestler" and will choose to honor something more homegrown than "Slumdog."

There are really only 3 safe bets: Kate Winslet for either Best Actress or Supporting Actress, Heath Ledger for Supporting Actor and "Wall-E" for Best Animated Film.

Age Like Wine

Many people dread turning 40. Not me...I'm anxiously counting down the days. I can't friggin' wait. It's going to be the most liberating experience of my life, because I will have finally achieved that which man has dreamed of for generations...total invisibility.

The path to invisibility began the day I turned 36. The most attractive demographics for marketers are between the ages of 18-35. Once I passed my sell by (or sell to, as the case may be) date, my opinion no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. I no longer had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy." People who have known me for any length of time might argue that I never had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy. They're pretty much correct...only now, it's official.

Being off the marketing radar has completely freed me from all the pressures of caring what people think about what I watch, buy or listen to. I can now fully embrace CBS's lineup of crime procedurals like "NCIS" & "The Mentalist" without feeling like an old fart. I can watch nothing but "Law & Order" reruns 24-7 and no one will think it's the least bit odd. I've even started talking back to the news & referring to shows I regularly watch as "my stories" just to get used to it.

Musically, it doesn't matter what I listen to. It's all gonna be classified as "oldies" or "classic rock." So if I stuff my CD changer with The Statler Brothers Greatest Hits followed by Green Day followed by Convoy followed by Dean Martin, I'm not being "ironic" or "retro"...I'm just another old dude who likes weird music.

I can wear whatever I want. The only purpose clothes have for me now is to keep me from being arrested when I go out in public. I could have a hoodie/sweatpants mix and match combo for every day of the week (making sure I have a black or blue pair for church on Sunday.) I can pull my pants up to my armpits, eat dinner at 4:30 and go to bed at 6. I can use phrases like, "Back in my day...." and they'll actually mean something. I can tell & re-tell the same stories over & over & over again and not care if the person listening has already heard them or not. They're my stories, dagnabit, and I'm gonna tell them. See, I used "dagnabit" in a sentence...I'm getting good at this already!

I have many close personal friends who are going to point out that I've pretty much been doing everything I listed above since I was 16 years old...and they're right. But from the ages of 16 to 39, people were still paying attention. My age is finally catching up with my lifestyle and I say, "Bring it on!!"

Now what are you whippersnappers wasting your time trolling around on the internets machine? Back in my day, we didn't have no fancy internets machine...you don't know how good you've got it. I've got to go...it's almost time for my stories.

Random Thoughts

Tso is the only General best remembered for being a chicken

Revenge is a dish best served cold with a house salad & side of fries

You may not always want to dance, but it's nice to be asked

You never know who your friends are until you run thorough background checks on them

Self-absorption is the privilege of the elderly or the unwell...if you're neither, you need to knock it off

Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things

Don't drink water...fish poop in it

You can say a lot while still saying nothing at all

Even negative attention is better than being ignored

Nirvana killed goofy hair metal & took the fun out of rock and roll

No one needs to know what you're doing every minute of every day

If you have one person you know you can truly depend on, you're luckier than most

Every good thing is finite...everything changes, so enjoy the glory days while you have them