Thursday, August 6, 2009

Career Opportunities

I guess I could be safely classified as a "mid-career professional," which roughly translates to "Watch it buddy...we could get two 20-year old part timers to do your job." So, in that spirit, I've been looking into some potential new career opportunities should one become necessary. After much painstaking research, I think I've found the perfect new direction for me:

Cult Leader. Specifically, a cult leader for rich people.

It's a growth industry. With so many people freaking out about the economy, rogue nuclear weapons, the collapsing environment and disappearing birth certificates, the time has never been better for a charismatic leader (i.e., me) to gather the affluent members of this fractured society and lead them to a place where they can feel safe...I'm thinking Palm Springs or Hawaii.

I won't even have to come up with some sort of catch slogan. Just something like, "Hey...those people who freak you out? They freak me out too. Give me all your money & I'll keep them away from you." Pretty catchy, no? And the best part is, since I'm a cult leader, the fact that I'm actually on the side of the people who freak the members of my cult out isn't an ethical problem. Cult leaders are expected to be liars.

Now, there are a few downsides. The possibility of armed incursion by the government being one of them. I plan to solve this problem by making free cable my only demand of the government. No weapons stockpile, no hostages and no funny business with kids. Just give us free cable & we're all set.

And, since rich people aren't crazy (they're called "eccentric" at their median income level) as long as they have their stories and I base the compound next to a golf course, there should be a minimal chance of me being overthrown in a violent, ideological coup.

So, that's the plan. What I need now is investors and a scary name. So, if you're net worth is between six and nine figures, you have an irrational hatred of anyone different from you and you want a place to call your own, just send me a check and I'll get back to you with the details of where to send your luggage. As for a scary, it's a shame that "Republicans" is already taken.

If this works, I may have franchise opportunities for sale soon.