Monday, January 5, 2009

Age Like Wine

Many people dread turning 40. Not me...I'm anxiously counting down the days. I can't friggin' wait. It's going to be the most liberating experience of my life, because I will have finally achieved that which man has dreamed of for generations...total invisibility.

The path to invisibility began the day I turned 36. The most attractive demographics for marketers are between the ages of 18-35. Once I passed my sell by (or sell to, as the case may be) date, my opinion no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. I no longer had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy." People who have known me for any length of time might argue that I never had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy. They're pretty much correct...only now, it's official.

Being off the marketing radar has completely freed me from all the pressures of caring what people think about what I watch, buy or listen to. I can now fully embrace CBS's lineup of crime procedurals like "NCIS" & "The Mentalist" without feeling like an old fart. I can watch nothing but "Law & Order" reruns 24-7 and no one will think it's the least bit odd. I've even started talking back to the news & referring to shows I regularly watch as "my stories" just to get used to it.

Musically, it doesn't matter what I listen to. It's all gonna be classified as "oldies" or "classic rock." So if I stuff my CD changer with The Statler Brothers Greatest Hits followed by Green Day followed by Convoy followed by Dean Martin, I'm not being "ironic" or "retro"...I'm just another old dude who likes weird music.

I can wear whatever I want. The only purpose clothes have for me now is to keep me from being arrested when I go out in public. I could have a hoodie/sweatpants mix and match combo for every day of the week (making sure I have a black or blue pair for church on Sunday.) I can pull my pants up to my armpits, eat dinner at 4:30 and go to bed at 6. I can use phrases like, "Back in my day...." and they'll actually mean something. I can tell & re-tell the same stories over & over & over again and not care if the person listening has already heard them or not. They're my stories, dagnabit, and I'm gonna tell them. See, I used "dagnabit" in a sentence...I'm getting good at this already!

I have many close personal friends who are going to point out that I've pretty much been doing everything I listed above since I was 16 years old...and they're right. But from the ages of 16 to 39, people were still paying attention. My age is finally catching up with my lifestyle and I say, "Bring it on!!"

Now what are you whippersnappers wasting your time trolling around on the internets machine? Back in my day, we didn't have no fancy internets machine...you don't know how good you've got it. I've got to go...it's almost time for my stories.

3 comments:

Dan said...

You pretty much just described my entire 20's. I'm much cooler as a 40 year-old than I ever was in high school or college. Maybe it's because I spend most of my time with teenagers, ironically.

Brian said...

Hey! I resemble those remarks!

Chris Ayers said...

As do I, my friend...as do I!