Driving Me Crazy

Dear Other Motorists...
I know we've had a rocky relationship lately. We just can't get on the same page and it's causing us stress. I've examined our relationship & have come to one conclusion: It's not me, it's you.

You seem to be bipolar, especially the last few days. You see, either you're in front of me going 10 miles under the speed limit or you're behind me trying to go 10 miles faster than me while ignoring the basic principle of physics that states that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time.

The slowness I don't have a huge problem with. Yes, it's annoying for me, but something that I can ultimately get over. It's the second trait that's causing me worry. You see, in the first place, I drive a large truck. Often, when you think I'm just leisurely cruising along, I actually have another vehicle in front of me and, since I have no desire to send their back seat flying suddenly into their front seat, I need to keep a little space between us. I know you can't see this, but we've been together long enough that you should trust me on this once in awhile.

In the second place, the idea that you're so much more important than I am hurts me deeply. I know there are times when I'm driving a little slower than you. Believe me, it's not to annoy you. It's that I have this ridiculous aversion to either (a) get a ticket or (b) slamming into inanimate objects like trees, guard rails and other cars just so you can save a few minutes. As someone with a fairly large ego, I understand the concept that you are the center of the universe. Trust me on this...you're not.

So, dear other driver, I'm asking you seek help & be patient or there may be consequences. Consider this...my truck is 9 years old, fully insured and I don't particularly care what happens to it at this point. Keep pushing me & you may find out what someone with nothing to lose, transportation-wise, will to to end a relationship.

All the best...
Me.

An E-Pip-phany

Everyone loves Gladys Knight. You know why? The Pips, that's why. Who wouldn't want a group of smooth background dancers following them around, choreographing their daily lives? Nobody, that's who. And, using the Pips method, I've figured out how to solve both the rampant depression and unemployment problems facing our nation today.

It's very simple...we take all of the people who are unemployed and put them in groups of four. Then, using a database of everyone in America on anti-depressants, we assign the groups of four to be the depressed person's Pips. The Pips spend their days following the depressed person around and dancing behind them in a very, well, Pip-like fashion.

Since it's impossible to be sad when you've got your very own Pips, the depressed person will be happy again. The money they used to spend on Xanax and the like will go into a fund to pay the Pips salaries. As an added bonus, the Pips, who were undoubtedly depressed at being unemployed, will now be happier individuals, thus eliminating their need for anti-depressants in the future.

Everybody wins...everybody gets Pips. You're welcome, America.

Olympic Fever

By now, the whole world is wrapped up in the spectacle that is the Winter Olympics, celebrating the best that athletics has to offer. And yet, I still feel like there's something missing. I couldn't put my finger on it until today. What the modern Olympics is lacking is the sheer terror of imminent death.

Back when the USSR was a world power, there was a certain tension among the athletes from the Soviet bloc countries. A look that said, "If I screw this up, I'm gonna die." Every time a prancing pony gymnast from Belarus didn't stick the landing or a Polish ice dancer fell on his sequined butt, everyone watching knew that it was all over for them. It was the ultimate in reality television.

These days, it's just not as exciting if you know that the only consequence of missing the triple salchow is that the pairs skaters might have to go to couple's counselling.

But I have a plan to bring back that edge & apply it to American reality television. Up the ante for the losers. Think how much more thrilling it would be if, say, the losers on "Survivor" didn't get to meet Regis & Kelly, but instead would meet Boris the former KGB interrogator. Or, if after finidhing second on "American Idol," Clay Aiken had been sent to Siberia instead of making crappy records.

So let's reclaim that Schadenfreude that we've lost & make people who think they can dance be very, very certain they can before auditoning.

Rockford

So, "House" creator David Shore & Steve Carell of "The Office" are producing a remake of the classic 70's detective series "The Rockford Files." As a fan of both the show and original star James Garner, you might think that I think that this is a terrible idea. And on one level it is. The original was pitch perfect and completely tied to its era. You had the trailer by the beach, the cool Camaro, the original model answering machine that opened every episode and the cooler than cool James Garner. It wasn't perfect, but boy was it entertaining.

That being said, if Carell and Shore can remember a few important facts, a remake might not be so bad. Here's what needs to happen for it to be good:

• Jim Rockford is not House. He's not tortured or anti-social. Yeah, he's a little ticked off at being sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit (a theme that producer Stephen J. Canell would exploit a few years later in "The A-Team.") but he's a well adjusted professional doing his job. There are no deep, dark secrets. It's an old-fashioned detective show.
• Jim Rockford doesn't like guns. He never carried one in the 70's and he sure doesn't need to carry one now.
• Don't screw around with the theme song. No remixes, no reimagining, no new orchestration or lyrics. Just have the answering machine beep and hit the music.
• Don't srew around with the car. You can have your General Lee's and your Kitt's and your A-Team vans, for my money the gold camaro was the quintessential cool TV show car.
• Rockford is cool, so think about that when casting. Sam Rockwell would be a great choice, if you could get him to do TV. If not him, Michael Weatherly from NCIS is practically playing a version of Rockford every week.
• His dad Rocky is an integral part of the show. You could do a lot worse than throwing a bunch of money at Bruce Campbell to play him.
• Seriously...if it gets picked up as a series, DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH THE THEME.

So good luck David & Steve (if I can be so bold as to call you that, since we're old pals & all.) Don't mess this up. Make it fun. Make it exciting. And please, please...don't screw around with the theme.

The Over The Hill Gang

Since I turn 41 on Saturday (and officially, in the words of a good friend, go from "Old Fart" to "Old #$%&") I thought it would be a good idea to take stock of what I like to call:

THINGS I AM TOO OLD TO DO

• Shop at Hot Topic, or even walk past the store without looking like a Narc
• Become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live"
• Drink like I'm 25
• Drink like I'm 35 (which is essentially the same thing as 25, but with the added pressure of needing to (a) get home and (b) having to pee every 15 minutes)
• Dance in public without the aid of alcohol (technically, I've never been able to do that, but now I can blame it on my age rather than being, shall we say, "rhythmically challenged")
• Use hip-hop slang credibly
• Drive a sports car without looking like a middle-aged dorknozzle having a mid-life crisis
• Play a professional sport (although my complete lack of athletic ability could also have something to do with it)
• Wear a baseball cap backwards in public (see sports car above for why)
• Die young

On the plus side, my advancing years do afford me some perks that I didn't know about:

• I can watch shows on CBS unironically
• My long, rambling boring stories can be seen as age-related rather than simply raging narcissism
• I can use the phrase "Back in my day...." and really mean it
• I can wear sweatpants 24/7 and out in public and nobody cares

So it's not all bad. I don't even feel guilty standing on my porch and yelling, "You kids get off my lawn!" while shaking my fist. Being a codger has its advantages.

Welcome To Con Air

Last night I revisited one of my favorite bad movies: the Michael Bay/Nicolas Cage extravaganza "Con Air." Oh Holy Night...this is one fantastic bad movie.

Now, by "bad movie," I don't mean it's not entertaining. I mean a movie that's so over-the-top and committed to it's goofiness that it's ridiculously fun to watch. I'd forgotten how gloriously stupid and funny "Con Air" was. I mean, when Steve Buscemi gives the most subtle performance in a film, you know you're in for a wild ride.

How do I love thee "Con Air?" Let me count the ways...

• Nicolas Cage with a goofy accent and even goofier mullet
• John Malkovich spitting and snarling like a rabid labradoodle
• Not one, but two scenes of people walking away from a fireball in slow motion
• The constant repetition of John Cusack's character's name (Vince Larkin) as if the audience is going to forget who he is
• The beginning of director Michael Bay's love of extreme close-ups of sweaty men (a motif that also rears its head in "The Rock" and "Armageddon.")
• The seizure inducing editing that makes you wonder if Bay's been tested for ADD
• A climax that has the villain stabbed, thrown through the air, electrocuted and having his head squashed, Wile E. Coyote style.
• John Cusack being the only action hero to ever help save the day in Huraches.

"Con Air" isn't just your average "turn off your brain" action flick. It's a "drink a bottle of tequila, smoke crack and give yourself a lobotomy with a screwdriver" action flick...and I dearly love it.

The Greatest Network Ever

One of Time Warner cable's newest offerings is RFD HD. I stumbled across it when I found out it shows "Hee Haw" (my love for which knows no bounds & for which I feel no shame.) But looking over their schedule shows me that RFD HD may be the Greatest Network Ever.

Ostensibly catering to rural viewers, RFD offers country music shows like the aforementioned "Hee Haw," "Pop Goes The Country," & even Nashville Netowrk vets Crook & Chase and Ralph Emery have shows. But where the hay really meets the bailer (to mangle a metaphor) is in their other original programming.

This is a network that gives an hour of prime time to a show about growing soybeans...another to a look at the 2009 cotton crop...not to mention something called "The Big Joe Polka Show.". It's like the farm shows that used to come on before cartoons on Saturday morning, only 24 hours a day.

It's so old school & charming that, while I'm mocking the programming, I admire it's earnestness. Goofy or not, RFD knows its market.