Look, I know this is a sensitive subject and I'm going to try & be as delicate as I can, but the time has come to discuss a little public restroom etiquette.
Having to perform needed bodily functions in public is stressful enough without rudeness or stupidity making it more awkward. So, if we can just agree to a few simple rules, we can make the experience more pleasant for everyone.
*No Talking. This isn't "Get To Know Your Neighbor" time. Depending on the degree of difficulty, I'm probably extremely embarrassed by the ambiance I'm creating. I don't want to discuss it with you. I don't even want to make eye contact before, during or especially after. Let's just do our business & pretend it never happened.
*The Bathroom Is A Don't Ask/Don't Tell Zone. It's just simple decency. No matter what you hear or see in there, you don't walk out & share it with the room. That violates the Code Of The Pooper. If you must share, use the same 24 hour rule that applies to calling after a first date.
*Own Up To Your Mistakes. If you commit an egregious fouling of the facilities & can't flush the evidence, don't leave it to be discovered by the next guy. I know it's humiliating, but take the time to let someone know you committed the ultimate party foul.
*Friends Bathrooms Are For #1 Only. Unless there's no alternative, don't take the Browns to the Super Bowl at a friend's house. There's too many disasters waiting to happen with this scenario. Better to rupture something than to have to ask The Most Awkward Question In The World: "Do you have a plunger?"
So let's be courteous & discreet when dealing with our private business in public...and a courtesy flush is always appreciated.
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