The Over The Hill Gang

Since I turn 41 on Saturday (and officially, in the words of a good friend, go from "Old Fart" to "Old #$%&") I thought it would be a good idea to take stock of what I like to call:

THINGS I AM TOO OLD TO DO

• Shop at Hot Topic, or even walk past the store without looking like a Narc
• Become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live"
• Drink like I'm 25
• Drink like I'm 35 (which is essentially the same thing as 25, but with the added pressure of needing to (a) get home and (b) having to pee every 15 minutes)
• Dance in public without the aid of alcohol (technically, I've never been able to do that, but now I can blame it on my age rather than being, shall we say, "rhythmically challenged")
• Use hip-hop slang credibly
• Drive a sports car without looking like a middle-aged dorknozzle having a mid-life crisis
• Play a professional sport (although my complete lack of athletic ability could also have something to do with it)
• Wear a baseball cap backwards in public (see sports car above for why)
• Die young

On the plus side, my advancing years do afford me some perks that I didn't know about:

• I can watch shows on CBS unironically
• My long, rambling boring stories can be seen as age-related rather than simply raging narcissism
• I can use the phrase "Back in my day...." and really mean it
• I can wear sweatpants 24/7 and out in public and nobody cares

So it's not all bad. I don't even feel guilty standing on my porch and yelling, "You kids get off my lawn!" while shaking my fist. Being a codger has its advantages.