It saddens me to have to report that in this season of change and upheaval that there has been a confirmed case of election fraud. I thought that an election was finally going to happen with a clear-cut winner...with no bitter feelings about the outcome...and with no accusations of voter intimidation or tampering. Sadly, once again, that is not the case.
I regret to inform you that, despite my overwhelming lead in the exit polls, People Magazine has failed once again to name me "Sexiest Man Alive."
I am just as shocked as all of you. I truly believed the voters wanted a change. That they would rally behind a pasty, slightly overweight state employee and part-time improviser from North Carolina rather than some Hollywood superhunk. But in a shocking turn of events, the voters went selected yet another international sex symbol, Hugh Jackman.
I'm at a loss to explain the errors in the polls...everyone I asked assured me they would vote for me. Granted, my sampling data was really small...pretty much me & Sainted Wife (although, come to think of it, I did hear her refer to Jackman as "hunky" right before going to the polls...hmm.)
I mean, come on...what does Hugh Jackman have that I don't? Sure, he's a multi-talented actor and singer with millions of dollars and a thriving career and been in many hit movies and appeared on Broadway and was Wolverine...but he was also in "Van Helsing" and that movie sucked with or without vampires in it. Look at his record people..."Van Helsing"!!!!
Fear not...I will have my team of legal experts in People's offices poring over the results just as soon as someone from James Scott Farrin calls me back (I hope they send Robert Vaughan...he's cool!) Until then, I urge calm and patience with the process. In your outrage, please don't resort to violence. Justice will be served.
Thank you for your continued support...I am also accepting donations for my legal fight (cash only...don't want to get the IRS involved.) Stay strong America...I will be sexy for all of you!