Drinking With The Stars

It's been very trendy lately for celebrities to come out with their own signature fragrances. Because, really who wouldn't want to smell like Britney Spears? (Sidenote...I haven't actually smelled her perfume, but I imagine Britney smells like menthol cigarettes, tater tots & desperation.)

So this got me a thinking about what kind of signature cocktails would celebrities create to embody their essence in alcoholic form. So let's see what I came up with....

Kid Rock: Pabst Blue Ribbon, hot dog water and Mad Dog 20/20

Lady GaGa: Absinthe, NyQuil Wild Cherry and a handful of anti-psychotics

The Cast of Glee: Bartles & James Peachtastic wine cooler, spearmint schnaaps & 4 pixie sticks

Dane Cook: Royal Crown, grape Kool-Aid & 3 slices of Kraft American cheese

Justin Bieber: Yoo-Hoo, Zima & Pepto-Bismol

Mickey Rourke: Vodka, Jack Daniels and Antifreeze

David Hasselhoff: Meister Brau, Wild Turkey & 3 liquified Big Macs

There's a ton of money to be made from celebrity cocktails....and the subsequent bookings on "Celebrity Rehab." I anxiously await your call Hollywood.

Divas

I've been thinking about pop Divas lately, which is odd since I'm not all that interested in the music they produce. What intrigues me is how there only seems to be room for one Supreme Diva at a time...like for some reason pop culture and society can't handle more than one.

So, for me, the easiest way to figure this out is with the fatuous male analogy of relating them to:

EVERY GIRL YOU WERE EVER ATTRACTED TO:

Cyndi Lauper was the cool older girl that would still hang out with you. She was fun & you could hang out knowing there wasn't any chance that it would last. She was going to go off and spend like, 6 months at community college before becoming a bartender in your hometown that you'd see when you came home on summer break and would let you buy beer even though you weren't 21 yet.

Madonna was the first college girl you went out with while you were still in high school. There was never a chance that it would last, because as soon as she could she'd be dating a professor or some grad school guy with a cooler car. It was a relationship in your mind only that would flame out after a month with you much more in love with her than she ever was in you.

Whitney Houston was the good girl who dated bad boys. It was a relationship that had nothing but drama, because either they were still together, which meant all she would talk about is how she was going to change him (which, by the way, never works. If you can't convince a guy to change out of his sweatpants before a date, you're not going to get him to change his life...but I digress) or they had just broken up & she spent all her time crying about how he was misunderstood & you were such a good friend for listening to her problems. Eventually, they'd get back together & spend the rest of their time mutually destroying each other.

Britney Spears was the wild card. If you took her to a party, there was a 50/50 chance that she'd get wild & rip off her top or drink too much & spend the night in the corner crying because her daddy didn't love her or some other girl didn't like her or the nachos were all gone. The headaches weren't worth the fun.

Christina Aguilera seemed to be the one. Pretty, smart, just wild enough to be fun but not likely to go nuts. She was the one that you couldn't believe was actually going out with you, but you thanked your lucky stars she did. Unfortunately, you'd screw it up because of....

Lady GaGa...the crazy one. We're talking stone cold, batpoop, bouncing off the wall nuts. The art school/drama club girl who would do anything and I mean anything. She was just as likely to give you the greatest night of your life as she was to get you into a fight for no apparent reason. The girl that you would hide any and all sharp & stabby objects from when she came over. You knew it was a bad idea, but you couldn't stay away.

And this is the reason that Christina can't compete with GaGa today. She's settled down & had a child. Xtina still has the chops, but she's not dangerous anymore. For better or worse, the universe prefers crazy & talented to just talented, and GaGa has crazy to spare.

Save The Bandit With Time Travel!

Aside from all the other problems that need fixing, scientists need to get on making time travel a reality ASAP.

"Sounds like a great idea," you're thinking. "It would be great to go back & fix history before it ever went wrong." While that is a noble thought, if we've learned anything from Doctor Who it's that the past is fixed & no about of mucking about is going to change anything. In most cases, it would in fact make things worse.

What I want to do with my personal time travel device is very simple & would fix the future. I want to go back to, say, 1977 and grab Burt Reynlolds, Jerry Reed, Dom DeLuise & the whole gang and bring them to 2010 so they can keep making Smokey & The Bandit movies before Hollywood decides to remake them.

I admit, this is a purely selfish move on my part. But when you get your own time machine you can do what you want with it.

Look, it's only a matter of time before some dim-bulb studio executive gets the dim-bulb idea to remake all those great car chase films of that era. And when they do, the law of averages says that they're not only going to get it wrong, they're gonna get it horribly, horribly wrong.

I have a recurring nightmare where they remake Smokey & The Bandit with Gerard Butler as Bandit, Larry the Cable Guy as Snowman, John Goodman as Sheriff Buford T. Justice and Megan Fox as Mouse. All of the chase scenes are CGI and they get somebody like Rascall Flats to cover "Eastbound & Down." Of course, it makes 100 Gajillion dollars, so they go ahead & remake Hooper and Cannonball Run, screwing them up beyond all belief and I wake up screaming.

Were any of these truly landmark works of cinematic art? Of course not. But they were fun. Remakes of them wouldn't be any fun at all. They'd be prepackaged & market-researched to within an inch of their lives. Director Hal Needham didn't need a focus group to tell him that audiences love to see cars get smashed up reeaaal good. Everybody loves that.

Are there drawbacks to my plan? Of course. If history follows, Burt & company will eventually have to make versions of Cannonball Run 2 and Stroker Ace. But you've got to take the good with the bad and quite frankly, I'd rather watch any version of Stroker Ace over any 5 minutes of The Fast & The Furious franchise any day.

So get me my time machine Science Guys. We've got a long way to go & a short time to get there and I sure don't want to make that trip with Shia LaBouef.

Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

Apparently, the World Cup started today. Apparently, this is a big deal to 90% of the world, 5% of Americans who love soccer (and I bet I'm being generous with that number,)and 4% of Americans who feel the need to shout "USA, USA" in a large crowd. The other 1%, of which I'm a proud member, couldn't care less.

If you love soccer, more power to you. Have a ball (no pun intended) for the next month. Go nuts. As for me, there's not a device on the planet that can measure my indifference to the game.

I've heard all the arguments: "It's the most popular sport in the world. It promotes goodwill & teamwork. You just don't get it." You're not gonna change my mind.

Look, any activity where you can run for 90 minutes & still wind up with a 0-0 tie is not a sport. It's enclosed cross-country. It's the worst high school gym class ever.

People have been saying for 40 years that soccer's going to be huge in America. Its not. It never will be. Except with that special breed of parents who drag little Caitlin or Katelyn or kate-Lynn out to the field every Saturday for 6 months to watch her run around in circles so she'll get a trophy for "Participation."

This is supposed to be "Character Building." I suspect if you got these same parents slightly buzzed, they'd admit that having little Mackenzie or McKenzee or Beulah sprinting around just wears them out enough so Mom & Dad can catch a nap.

So fans, enjoy the spectacle of the World Cup. Drink it in. Savor it. Just don't be offended by my indifference. It's not that I'm apathetic...I just don't care.

Funny Business

Just some random opinions (and please read that word veeery slowly...oh-pin-yuns, 'cause if you disagree that's all they are) on what I think is funny.

• While the secret of comedy is timing, the second secret of comedy is confidence. You've got to believe what you're saying is funny or nobody else is going to. Even comics who's character is based on having no confidence at all (Woody Allen is a good example) have confidence enough in that character to make it funny.

• A bad joke told well is funnier than a good joke told badly. There's nothing more fun than having a joke that is so cheesy or corny and telling it to a friend like it's the funniest thing ever.
  

• Puns are awesome. I know people who hate puns & think they're the lowest form of humor. These people also hate puppies & kittens. It takes skill to come up with a really good pun. A
  

• Men who say that, "Women aren't funny" are not to be trusted and are suffering from a condition known as Rectal-Cranial Inversion. Don't date these men & certainly don't marry them. They wouldn't know funny if it kicked them in the junk.

• Things & people that are always funny (to me): Tim Conway, Mel Brooks, Carol Burnett, The Dick Van Dyke Show, I Love Lucy, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Patton Oswalt, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson, Bob Newhart, Don Knotts and Hee Haw (What? Hey, make your own list & don't judge me) to name just a few

• Things & people I don't think are funny, but others do & that's fine by me: Larry the Cable Guy, more than 5 minutes of Steven Wright, Sara Silverman, Richard Lewis and the ending of "Titanic." (Where the old lady throws away a gazillion dollar necklace, not when DiCaprio drowns 'cause I laughed my head off when he went under for the last time.)

• Yes, I left many people off of the first list that I find hysterical. I left some people off the second list that I don't like either. But here's the thing, you could switch the titles for each of them & they'd still be valid. Funny is subjective and it's better when it's shared. I've seen movies in a crowded theater that I laughed my head off at that didn't make me crack a smile when I saw them at home by myself.

• That being said, I do believe there should be an Oscar for Best Comedy. The great actor Edwin Booth said, "Dying is easy...comedy is hard." He was right. It takes a special gift to make people laugh. If you're able to do it, you should be thankful. Laughter brings people together & it let's them forget about their worries for a while.

So, if you make people laugh professionally or as a hobby, onstage or outside your cubicle, I salute you. You've been well & truly blessed.

Oh Robbbbb!

DISCLAIMER: This post popped into my head when there was a brief online rumor that Dick Van Dyke had passed away. Thankfully, this wasn't the case. Mr. Van Dyke is still with us as of this writing, but all points made below are still applicable. END DISCLAIMER

With the popularity of Mad Men, I'd become more convinced than ever that I'd been born too late. I would have loved to have been a part of advertising or television back in the late 50's and early 60's when it was truly in it's heyday.

But the more I thought about it, I realized that I didn't really want to live in that era. For better or worse, I'm a child of the late 20th Century, the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation and while I sometimes miss having only three networks, the minuses by far outweigh the benefits. After careful consideration, I came to an inescapable conclusion. It wasn't when I wanted to live...it was who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be Rob Petrie.

Rob Petrie, if you don't know (and shame on you if you don't) was the main character in "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and was played by (duh) Dick Van Dyke. Rob was the man. Stylish, classy and funny, he was the head writer of The Alan Brady Show which was an homage to series creator Carl Reiner's tenure on the various Sid Caesar comedy-variety shows of the 50's.

Who wouldn't want to have Rob's life? He wore snappy suits to work. He spent all day writing comedy with Buddy & Sally, then went home to the ridiculously beautiful Mary Tyler Moore who made a pair of Capri pants & a sweatshirt look like a million bucks. Sure, there were irritations: Show producer Mel Cooley was a pain, son Richie was kind of annoying and there was always that stupid ottoman to contend with, but Rob pretty much had it all.

I know it was a sitcom & bears no resemblance to real life then or now. But it all looked so fun. I can't imagine a better job than being paid to be funny all day long or to occasionally put on talent shows with your friends. It was a more innocent time.

I'll probably never get the chance to meet Carl Reiner or Dick Van Dyke and tell them how much creating that world meant to me. It was one of the reasons I decided to go into television and even later improv. While my experiences haven't been the same, I can say that for the most part, they have been fun.

So I raise a glass to Carl Reiner, Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam and Richard Deacon. I'm going to trip over an ottoman every once in a while in your honor.

"Hey Look At Me!"

I've heard from many female friends over the years about just how annoying it can be when guys pay too much attention to them. I know they're not being arrogant; many men are, how shall I put this, overzealous when it comes to women they find attractive. There's never any excuse for any behavior that can be construed as inappropriate, stalker-like or just downright creepy.

That being said...I've never heard one of my male friends complain about unwanted attention from women. This is because (except in rare cases) to men there's no such thing as unwanted attention from women.

Every single achievement by men in the history of the world can be traced back to one simple idea that's hardwired into males from the moment of their conception..."If I do this maybe a girl will like me."

Does that make men look like simple, ignorant creatures who are only motivated by one thing? Well, that's because we are simple, ignorant creatures only motivated by one thing. We want girls to like us. No guy, no matter how enlightened or post-modern (whatever that means) will deny that fact.

There are countless examples throughout history that back this fact up. Julius Caesar got involved in Egyptian politics for Cleopatra. Columbus crossed the ocean for Queen Isabella. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone just so he could get the number of the future Mrs. Bell.

What's the first thing a boy child shouts when he's about to do something stupid or reckless on the playground? "Watch me!" When a boy discovers the wonderful world of boogers, snakes and frogs, he doesn't show them to his buddies. He throws them at the girls, who, granted scream & run away, but hey, they sure will remember him.

Men crave attention from women. Men are willing to write sonnets, discover continents and (if You Tube is any example) almost set themselves on fire just to make you smile or roll your eyes or simply acknowledge their existence.

It isn't always pretty...but it's the way we are.