Rockford

So, "House" creator David Shore & Steve Carell of "The Office" are producing a remake of the classic 70's detective series "The Rockford Files." As a fan of both the show and original star James Garner, you might think that I think that this is a terrible idea. And on one level it is. The original was pitch perfect and completely tied to its era. You had the trailer by the beach, the cool Camaro, the original model answering machine that opened every episode and the cooler than cool James Garner. It wasn't perfect, but boy was it entertaining.

That being said, if Carell and Shore can remember a few important facts, a remake might not be so bad. Here's what needs to happen for it to be good:

• Jim Rockford is not House. He's not tortured or anti-social. Yeah, he's a little ticked off at being sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit (a theme that producer Stephen J. Canell would exploit a few years later in "The A-Team.") but he's a well adjusted professional doing his job. There are no deep, dark secrets. It's an old-fashioned detective show.
• Jim Rockford doesn't like guns. He never carried one in the 70's and he sure doesn't need to carry one now.
• Don't screw around with the theme song. No remixes, no reimagining, no new orchestration or lyrics. Just have the answering machine beep and hit the music.
• Don't srew around with the car. You can have your General Lee's and your Kitt's and your A-Team vans, for my money the gold camaro was the quintessential cool TV show car.
• Rockford is cool, so think about that when casting. Sam Rockwell would be a great choice, if you could get him to do TV. If not him, Michael Weatherly from NCIS is practically playing a version of Rockford every week.
• His dad Rocky is an integral part of the show. You could do a lot worse than throwing a bunch of money at Bruce Campbell to play him.
• Seriously...if it gets picked up as a series, DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH THE THEME.

So good luck David & Steve (if I can be so bold as to call you that, since we're old pals & all.) Don't mess this up. Make it fun. Make it exciting. And please, please...don't screw around with the theme.

The Over The Hill Gang

Since I turn 41 on Saturday (and officially, in the words of a good friend, go from "Old Fart" to "Old #$%&") I thought it would be a good idea to take stock of what I like to call:

THINGS I AM TOO OLD TO DO

• Shop at Hot Topic, or even walk past the store without looking like a Narc
• Become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live"
• Drink like I'm 25
• Drink like I'm 35 (which is essentially the same thing as 25, but with the added pressure of needing to (a) get home and (b) having to pee every 15 minutes)
• Dance in public without the aid of alcohol (technically, I've never been able to do that, but now I can blame it on my age rather than being, shall we say, "rhythmically challenged")
• Use hip-hop slang credibly
• Drive a sports car without looking like a middle-aged dorknozzle having a mid-life crisis
• Play a professional sport (although my complete lack of athletic ability could also have something to do with it)
• Wear a baseball cap backwards in public (see sports car above for why)
• Die young

On the plus side, my advancing years do afford me some perks that I didn't know about:

• I can watch shows on CBS unironically
• My long, rambling boring stories can be seen as age-related rather than simply raging narcissism
• I can use the phrase "Back in my day...." and really mean it
• I can wear sweatpants 24/7 and out in public and nobody cares

So it's not all bad. I don't even feel guilty standing on my porch and yelling, "You kids get off my lawn!" while shaking my fist. Being a codger has its advantages.

Welcome To Con Air

Last night I revisited one of my favorite bad movies: the Michael Bay/Nicolas Cage extravaganza "Con Air." Oh Holy Night...this is one fantastic bad movie.

Now, by "bad movie," I don't mean it's not entertaining. I mean a movie that's so over-the-top and committed to it's goofiness that it's ridiculously fun to watch. I'd forgotten how gloriously stupid and funny "Con Air" was. I mean, when Steve Buscemi gives the most subtle performance in a film, you know you're in for a wild ride.

How do I love thee "Con Air?" Let me count the ways...

• Nicolas Cage with a goofy accent and even goofier mullet
• John Malkovich spitting and snarling like a rabid labradoodle
• Not one, but two scenes of people walking away from a fireball in slow motion
• The constant repetition of John Cusack's character's name (Vince Larkin) as if the audience is going to forget who he is
• The beginning of director Michael Bay's love of extreme close-ups of sweaty men (a motif that also rears its head in "The Rock" and "Armageddon.")
• The seizure inducing editing that makes you wonder if Bay's been tested for ADD
• A climax that has the villain stabbed, thrown through the air, electrocuted and having his head squashed, Wile E. Coyote style.
• John Cusack being the only action hero to ever help save the day in Huraches.

"Con Air" isn't just your average "turn off your brain" action flick. It's a "drink a bottle of tequila, smoke crack and give yourself a lobotomy with a screwdriver" action flick...and I dearly love it.

The Greatest Network Ever

One of Time Warner cable's newest offerings is RFD HD. I stumbled across it when I found out it shows "Hee Haw" (my love for which knows no bounds & for which I feel no shame.) But looking over their schedule shows me that RFD HD may be the Greatest Network Ever.

Ostensibly catering to rural viewers, RFD offers country music shows like the aforementioned "Hee Haw," "Pop Goes The Country," & even Nashville Netowrk vets Crook & Chase and Ralph Emery have shows. But where the hay really meets the bailer (to mangle a metaphor) is in their other original programming.

This is a network that gives an hour of prime time to a show about growing soybeans...another to a look at the 2009 cotton crop...not to mention something called "The Big Joe Polka Show.". It's like the farm shows that used to come on before cartoons on Saturday morning, only 24 hours a day.

It's so old school & charming that, while I'm mocking the programming, I admire it's earnestness. Goofy or not, RFD knows its market.

24 New Season Spoilers!!!!!

From a source I cannot name, I've gotten a brief synopsis of the new season of "24" that begins airing in January. Sounds like a radical new direction for the hit Fox show.

"Jack Bauer has saved the day countless times and he's finally had enough. This season on 24, see what happens when the only man for the job...calls in sick!"

Episode 1 7:00am-9:00am
In the thrilling season premiere, Jack decides he's earned a day off. Using all his training, he calls into CTU pretending to have the stomach flu. He spends the morning watching "Today" and wonders if Meredith Viera is really as nice as she seems on TV.

Episode 2 10:00am-11:00am
Jack makes disparaging remarks about Kathie Lee Gifford and the other lady on the third hour of "Today."

Episode 3 12:00pm-1:00pm
Jack dances with Ellen & then makes himself a couple of breakfast Hot Pockets.

Episode 4 2:00pm-3:00pm
Jack spends a tense hour in the bathroom as a result of his poor choice of breakfasts. Screens calls from CTU.

Episode 5 4:00pm-5:00pm
Jack's rage boils over as he smashes his "Guitar Hero" controller when he can't play "Daydream Believer" on easy. Frustrated, he cries about how the game is "cheating him."

Episode 6 6:00pm-8:00pm
Jack's "private time" with the new Lane Bryant catalog. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Episode 7 9:00pm-10:00pm
Jack risks death once again by daring to eat another Hot Pocket.

Episode 8 11:00pm-12:00am
Hot Pocket once again tortures Jack, more bathroom time.

Episode 9 1:00am-2:00am
Facebook status updated, sends friend requests to Jason Bourne, James Bond and Lou Diamond Phillips

Episode 10 3:00am-4:00am
Soothing his pain with alcohol, accidentally drunk dials Chloe. Awkward silence ensues

Episode 11 5:00am-6:00am
Season Finale. Jack collapses into bed, fitfully praying for a snow day. Awakens disappointed to remember that it's May.

Season's Greetings

Seems like we waste a lot of time & stress during December trying to figure out just what to say to people to convey our wish that they have a joyous holiday no matter how he or she may choose to celebrate it (or not celebrate it, as the case may be.) So, I have a modest proposal that might just alleviate some of the headaches.

If you're not sure whether Joe in the cubicle next to you or Susie the barista celebrates Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus or nothing at all, but still want to say something, say "Waffles."

Think about it. Waffles are an inherently happy food. They're fun to make, fun to eat and bad things rarely happen when they're part of the menu. When people break up, they go out for dinner. No one gets dumped over waffles.

So the next time you're twisting yourself into a mental pretzel (also a fun food) trying to convey holiday cheer without potentially ticking off a relative stranger, just give them a big ol' grin and say "Waffles."

Thanks

It's Thanksgiving Eve, which is as good a time as any to express some gratitude:

*To my family, thanks for always being there for me even when we're far apart

*To my friends, thanks for letting me be myself even when I'm a big, hot mess. You make my bad days godd & my good days better.

*To the creative people behind Glee & The Big Bang Theory: Your shows make me happy & hopeful.

*To anyone who's taken me in over the years...I do appreciate it.

I hope you all have the best Thanksgiving ever. I don't say it enough, but you're always in my thoughts and prayers.