Dirty Bomb

So, according to the report I saw on the CBS Evening News last night, Al Qaeda has a new weapon in its arsenal.

Not to be indelicate but basically they've taken a page from drug mules and are inserting explosives in, umm, let's call it a very uncomfortable place & detonating them with a cell phone.

How effective this method of mayhem will turn out to be remains to be seen. But it has me worried.

I'm not scared of a crazy man with an exploding butt because if it's my time to go, there's not much I can do about it and at least there'll be an interesting story to tell at the funeral.

What bothers me is how airport security is going to react. I mean, when that doofus tried to ignite his Reeboks, we all had to start taking off our shoes before flying. What in the world are we gonna have to go through if they're looking for an explosive suppository?

All I'm saying is, if some poorly paid haphazardly trained security screener is going to poke around my nooks & crannies, I'd better get more than a crummy bag of peanuts!

Playing Defense

It seems that it's time for me to once again defend my apathy towards two topics that are near & dear to many people's hearts...sports and reality TV.

The short version is: I don't care about either of these topics. That doesn't mean that I think you're stupid if you like them. If they make you happy, then I'm happy. Please don't jump down my throat if I don't share your enthusiasm. Most likely, I will stare blankly (if politely) during any discussions of who won or lost this weekend or who got voted off.

To be more specific...as far as sports go, I have little to no athletic ability whatsoever. I have no depth perception, which means that any activity that involves things being thrown in the vicinity of my face is no fun at all for me. I practiced football for four miserable years in high school and hated it. When you suffer through consecutive 1-9 seasons and your cheerleaders suggest "Things Can Only Get Better" as a Homecoming theme, it tends to dampen your enthusiasm. Also, since I don't get paid by any college or professional team, no matter what the outcome, I find it hard to have a rooting interest.

As for Reality TV...well, I'm a bit of a snob there, I will admit. I love television but see the reality genre as a way for networks to make cheap, disposable programming that they don't have to pay writers, actors, producers or directors to create. Since my sympathies lie with artists who spend their careers trying to make that one special show that will entertain or move viewers rather than trying to see which washed-up celebrity can dance, I don't have a lot of love for the genre.

Also, I can see people act like jerks to others on a daily basis. I have no desire to spend an hour a week watching strangers behave that way on my TV. My rule is: If I wouldn't want to share an elevator ride with someone, I don't want to share my leisure time with them as well.

So, please, don't be offended if I don't share this passion with you. I'm not saying you're wrong for liking something I don't. I'll respect your right to watch whatever makes you happy if you'll also respect my right to not watch it at all.

The Right Word Is Important

As a tribute to both the Beatles & my raging immaturity, I give you some of their very best songs with one minor change...see if you can figure out what it is:

A Hard Day's Poop

With A Little Help From My Poop

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Poop

And I Love Poop

Eight Poops A Week

A Poop In The Life

She Loves Poop

I Wanna Hold Your Poop

Poop Together

The Ballad of John and Poop

Somehow, I think the Fab Four would've approved.

Philosophy 101

I had a friend comment that he enjoyed my musings "Even when I disagree philosophically with them."

Well, thinking that I have a "philosophy" at all is flattering, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time, when I write these entries, I'm cruising on less than 4 hours sleep and jacked up on caffeine. It's a miracle that they're as coherent as they are.

Look, I don't write to try and change anyone's mind about anything...I write to ease my mind about everything. Any big ideas I have about politics or society can be boiled down to three basic thoughts:

(1) Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
(2) Love thy neighbor as you love yourself
(3) Whatever you do for the least of these, you do also for Me

Everything else is just me trying to be amusing (which means making myself laugh & hoping some of you find it funny too) or spouting off about complex topics that I have nowhere near the expertise to have an informed opinion about.

I suppose people reading my ramblings are enjoying them. I enjoy writing them. But please, don't think that I'm deluded enough to believe that I'm making a grand contribution to society by espousing my love of bad movies and good TV. I'm just taking a few minutes every few days to hopefully entertain you.

Have a great day!

I Got Nothin

So, been awhile since my last post because, quite honestly, I haven't really had anything new to say. "But that's never stopped you before!" I hear you say (and thanks so much for that, by the way.) It is true...usually I'll blather on about nothing just for kicks and giggles...like a Seinfeld episode without all the funny.

But everything I've thought of in the past few weeks fall into one of two categories: Stuff That's Derivative And Labored Even To Me and Manic Depressive Whining That's So Annoying That I Don't Even Want To Hear It.

So, for the literally single digits of you who haven't really been clamoring for it...I will return to semi-regular posting. Probably. When I think I've got something interesting to say.

Until then...enjoy the rare sounds of silence from me.

Career Opportunities

I guess I could be safely classified as a "mid-career professional," which roughly translates to "Watch it buddy...we could get two 20-year old part timers to do your job." So, in that spirit, I've been looking into some potential new career opportunities should one become necessary. After much painstaking research, I think I've found the perfect new direction for me:

Cult Leader. Specifically, a cult leader for rich people.

It's a growth industry. With so many people freaking out about the economy, rogue nuclear weapons, the collapsing environment and disappearing birth certificates, the time has never been better for a charismatic leader (i.e., me) to gather the affluent members of this fractured society and lead them to a place where they can feel safe...I'm thinking Palm Springs or Hawaii.

I won't even have to come up with some sort of catch slogan. Just something like, "Hey...those people who freak you out? They freak me out too. Give me all your money & I'll keep them away from you." Pretty catchy, no? And the best part is, since I'm a cult leader, the fact that I'm actually on the side of the people who freak the members of my cult out isn't an ethical problem. Cult leaders are expected to be liars.

Now, there are a few downsides. The possibility of armed incursion by the government being one of them. I plan to solve this problem by making free cable my only demand of the government. No weapons stockpile, no hostages and no funny business with kids. Just give us free cable & we're all set.

And, since rich people aren't crazy (they're called "eccentric" at their median income level) as long as they have their stories and I base the compound next to a golf course, there should be a minimal chance of me being overthrown in a violent, ideological coup.

So, that's the plan. What I need now is investors and a scary name. So, if you're net worth is between six and nine figures, you have an irrational hatred of anyone different from you and you want a place to call your own, just send me a check and I'll get back to you with the details of where to send your luggage. As for a scary name...man, it's a shame that "Republicans" is already taken.

If this works, I may have franchise opportunities for sale soon.

Opinons Are Like, Well, You Know

It seems like every few weeks, a thought will cross my mind and, with the ease of all the social networking options available on the interwebs, I will feel the need to share it. Usually, the gist of the thought is, "Somethingorother sucks." Not exactly eloquent prose, but what are you gonna do?

So, I share this brain nugget and, invariably, people who didn't do well on the "Reading For Comprehension" portion of the SAT will jump down my throat. Somehow, they think because I said something they liked sucks that automatically means that I think they suck for liking it...and then, usually, they want to convince me that I was mistaken and said sucky thing does not actually suck.

Here's the bottom line...there is stuff that I think sucks. Chances are, if I think it sucks, I've given it more than ample opportunity to prove that it indeed does not suck. Case in point: Styx and/or Dennis DeYoung.

When I was in high school (from 1984 thru 1987) and Styx was popular, I thought they sucked. During the years, when they were relegated to the oldies station, I still thought they sucked. When the band reformed with different members at different times and started touring small clubs and state fairs, I thought they sucked. And now, during the 21st century when they fill amphitheatres every summer touring with two or three other washed up 80's bands, I still think they suck. Basiclally, Styx has never broken through my Glass Ceiling of Suckitude.

Does that mean that I think their millions of fans suck because they enjoy Styx? Of course not...it's a big world and a free country. If you want to have "Mr. Roboto" as your ringtone and styx.com as your home page, more power to you.

Look, I know the internet tubes are no place for subtle commentary and it's really hard to discern tone in written form without emoticons. But I promise you, if there's a band or tv show or movie that you adore and I think sucks, it doesn't mean that I think you suck as a human being for liking it.

So lighten up Francis!