"Hey Look At Me!"

I've heard from many female friends over the years about just how annoying it can be when guys pay too much attention to them. I know they're not being arrogant; many men are, how shall I put this, overzealous when it comes to women they find attractive. There's never any excuse for any behavior that can be construed as inappropriate, stalker-like or just downright creepy.

That being said...I've never heard one of my male friends complain about unwanted attention from women. This is because (except in rare cases) to men there's no such thing as unwanted attention from women.

Every single achievement by men in the history of the world can be traced back to one simple idea that's hardwired into males from the moment of their conception..."If I do this maybe a girl will like me."

Does that make men look like simple, ignorant creatures who are only motivated by one thing? Well, that's because we are simple, ignorant creatures only motivated by one thing. We want girls to like us. No guy, no matter how enlightened or post-modern (whatever that means) will deny that fact.

There are countless examples throughout history that back this fact up. Julius Caesar got involved in Egyptian politics for Cleopatra. Columbus crossed the ocean for Queen Isabella. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone just so he could get the number of the future Mrs. Bell.

What's the first thing a boy child shouts when he's about to do something stupid or reckless on the playground? "Watch me!" When a boy discovers the wonderful world of boogers, snakes and frogs, he doesn't show them to his buddies. He throws them at the girls, who, granted scream & run away, but hey, they sure will remember him.

Men crave attention from women. Men are willing to write sonnets, discover continents and (if You Tube is any example) almost set themselves on fire just to make you smile or roll your eyes or simply acknowledge their existence.

It isn't always pretty...but it's the way we are.

Socially Acceptable

For many years, the internet divided its time between being a wonderful research tool & an efficient pornography delivery system. Everybody had their own little corner of it & pretty much stayed out of each other's way.

Then, someone got the bright idea that everyone on the web should know everybody else. Thus, "Social Networking" was born. And, like all cool things, it was actually only super-cool for about a year.

But you're saying, "Chris...aren't you involved in social networking & isn't it a wee bit hypocritical to bitch about it?" The answers to those questions are "yes" and "no, it's not a wee bit hypocritical. It's hugely hypocritical, but I can live with that."

Look, I love (most) of Facebook & (much more) of Twitter. I can keep up with friends & family without having to make the effort to actually see them (don't look at me like that, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about,) plus it gives me a forum to spout off at length about pretty much anything that crosses my mind. I'm all for anything that enables my narcissism.

But there's a lot of pressure there too. Any friend request I get, if I haven't seen them in the past, oh, 10 minutes or so, I've got to wrack my brain trying to remember just how I know him (and it's always a him. Women get a free pass because I'm a man in my 40s & the instances of women wanting to associate with me are getting slimmer every day.) Plus, there's the guilt of the ignored friend request.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with funny things to say so that relative strangers will like me. There's a pathology there that unnerves me sometimes.

Look, social networking isn't going anywhere anytime soon. People have figured out how to make money off it, so it's here to stay. But remember...it's supposed to make life easier & more fun. It shouldn't feel like work & it damn sure shouldn't feel like high school, even though it sometimes does.

Remember, there are real people out there who want to hang out with the real you. Maybe not me, but definitely you. Balance in all things.

Sir Patrick

So Patrick Stewart went & got himself knighted...which is awesome. But you may not know there are perks that go along with the title. With a little digging & a heretofore unknown talent for hacking, I managed find a partial list of the benefits Sir Patrick will enjoy with this great honor...

#4 No longer has to flush the loo when visiting Buckingham Palace

#7 Can legally take possession of William Shatner's toupees

#9 Lays claim to official title of "Sir Patrick Stewart, Lord Locutus of Borg and Mack Daddy Daddy Mack of the British Empire Beyotches"

#13 Gets his own TARDIS

#17 May, without reprisal, take a Number Two on Number One anytime Jonathan Frakes is on British soil

#22 Gets Kate Winslet's home phone number

Congratulations Sir Patrick for a well deserved honor.

And I Love Her....

I received and e-mail today from my Sainted Wife expressing concern that my profile on my blog didn't mention that I was married. More to the point, it kinda bugged her. I was taken a bit aback. Out of the approximately 10,ooo things I do every week (day) to bug her, this wasn't one that I was expecting. So, I came here to rectify the situation & lo and behold, there isn't a tab on the profiles to indicate marital status. So I thought this would be the next best thing...hopefully it is.

I met Deanna on the first day of class of our sophomore year in college. August 26, 1988 to be precise. Our professor was what you would call "goofy" and the second thing I noticed about her (besides the fact that I thought she was smoking hot) was that she was the only one besides me laughing at him. I thought, "Gorgeous, smart & a sense of humor. She could be the total package." So, mustering all my courage & charm, I asked her to go get lunch. After unsubtly finding out she was single, I weakly hinted that, if she didn't have any plans that night, that I was also free & that she should give me a call if she wanted to hang out. She did & we did & the rest is history.

I am and continue to be remarkably blessed by her. She puts up with my crap (and those of you who know me know that I generate roughly 25 metric tons of crap a day) with more grace & good humor than anyone I know (including me) would or should. She's been there for me through good times & bad and no matter how many reasons I gave her for not wanting to stick around, she still does.

She's got an abiding love & spirit for little kids, small animals & old people and is quite simply the best thing that's ever happened to me. On top of everything else, she manages to stay sane while being married to an improviser. Anyone who's ever been in any kind of relationship with someone who performs improv knows that this isn't always an easy task.

I've often said that people who get to know us like me, but love her. I'm not being self-deprecating here. She's easy to love & a much better person than I am, but I'm trying.

So, in conclusion, even though there's no spot to say it on my profile, sorry ladies I'm very much taken.

Love you lots.

Me

There's Always A Price To Pay

Guys...did you enjoy taking your girlfriend/spouse to "Kick-Ass?" Did you get out of seeing JLo in "The Back Up Plan" by conning her into seeing "The Losers?" Have you already told her that she's got to get home from work early on May 6th so you can make it to that midnight show of "Iron Man 2." I hope so. Because she's keeping score in her head and there's gonna be a price to pay. The bill comes due on May 27th when she looks at you & reminds you that "Sex & The City 2" is opening.

You may get lucky. She may have a gaggle of girlfriends just chomping at the bit to go see the equine Sarah Jessica Parker & friends head to that hotbed of partying and sex, the Middle East. For your sake, I hope so. Because if she doesn't, you're screwed. You can try and come up with any lame excuse you want, but it's not going to hold water. You're gonna get reminded how many times in the last month she's gone to see people get shot, disemboweled & blown up & it's only fair that you go see Carrie and her gang wear ugly clothes and bond.

Of course this is a gross generalization. I know there are many women who could care less about Sex and the City. There are many women who enjoy a good action flick as much as you do. For your sakes, I hope that you are involved with one of these women. If not, well, may God have mercy on your soul. Look at the bright side...there's a 50/50 chance that between hugs & girl power, there might be a little nudity.

You've Been Warned...

So, my capacity for dealing with stupid questions (especially from people who should know better) is at an all time low. Time was, I'd get asked a dumb question & I would patiently smile and answer and chuckle to myself about how silly people could be sometimes.

But not anymore. In fact, I'm instituting a new policy. If you begin asking me a stupid question (by my definition, a stupid question is one that if you thought about it for 5 seconds before asking, you'd realize that you either (a) already know the answer or (b) shouldn't be asking something so silly in the first place) I'm going to flick you in the ear until you (a) stop or (b) go away. No warning...just ear flicking. If this doesn't make you stop, I'm moving on to a sock full of nickels & will pummel you about the head & shoulders until you stop.

Naturally, there are exceptions to every rule. If you can (a) divorce me, (b) fire me or (c) kick the crap out of me (or any combination of the three) I will continue to answer your stupid questions with grace, but reserve the right to mock you mercilessly behind your back for a period of no less than 3 months.

Have a nice day.

My Jeffrey Story

I couldn't verbalize this last night, but I wanted to share it.

Last January, for my 40th birthday, we had made plans to go out of town. For a variety of reasons, those plans fell through. So, we decided to just hang out at Frankie's & let people know we'd be there if they wanted to come by & help me celebrate this milestone.

Since my birthday that year fell on Super Bowl Sunday along with all the other things that people had going on, coupled with the fact that it was so last minute, I wasn't terribly surprised when after a couple of hours no one had shown up. Except that Jeffrey did.

We hung out for a while, played some games, won some tickets & had a nice visit. The next week, I mentioned to Richard that I appreciated Jeffrey coming by while he was home to visit. Richard told me that Jeffrey had driven in from Greensboro just to come see me for my birthday.

That meant a lot to me then & it means even more to me now.

Anyway...that's my Jeffrey story. Rest well, my friend. I'm gonna miss you.