This is my non-denomenational, ecuminical, all-purpose, all-inclusive improvisers prayer. Non-religious improvisers, please feel free to substitute "Del" for "Lord" where applicable
Dear Lord...
I am about to take the stage.
I am about to make stuff up again.
Please keep my mind sharp.
Please help me remember that the best response is always "Yes and..."
Please help me remember that in the crowd, among the comps, family members, house staff and other improvisers, are a few actual paying customers who've never seen improv before. Help me give them the best show I can.
Please remind me that it's not all about me.
Make my edits timely and keep me from hanging my teammates out to dry.
Should I attempt to steal something from last night's "Office" or last week's "Saturday Night Live," smite me in a way I've never been smote before.
Remind me my fingers are neither a gun nor a phone, but merely pointing appendages.
Help me find a new way of incorporating suggestions like "Jello" or "Elephant" and keep me from flipping off the drunk in the second row who screamed them out.
Remind me a little dirty can be funny and a lot dirty can be creepy and what the difference is between the two.
Make my puns plentiful & painful...indifference from the audience being the valley of the shadow of death.
And finally, no matter how much I want to, stay my hand from killing my scene partner.
Bless my teammates...even when we get on each others nerves.
May we bring laughter & joy & may you bring us all to Improv Heaven one day...Chicago, here we come.
In the name of the True Story, the Harold & the Holy Close...
Amen
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Musical Epiphany
A few years ago, I found myself at an Iron Maiden concert in St. Louis (Why? Because I'm a good husband, that's why.) Right after having some moron thrown out for using a laser pointer, surly frontman Bruce Dickinson introduced the band. "We're Iron Maiden," he snarled, "We're all about the music. We don't care about dating supermodels." The first thought that ran through my head was: "Then what's the point of being in a rock band in the first place?"
I'm not a musician or really musically inclined in any way. I suppose, if I played an instrument, I would have passion & desire to have my songs heard. But even if you're only marginally talented, you could find a local venue with an open mike night and sing to your heart's content. If you're going to go through all of the stress, work, dedication and potential disaster to take a band to the next level, why would you eliminate the possibility of dating supermodels? I would think having a supermodel even know I existed, much less want to spend time with me would motivate me to become the next big thing.
Even being an ugly rock star doesn't hurt your chances with women. Look at the number of musicians who, quite frankly could scare a vulture off a meat wagon, that have hooked up with women way out of their league: Ric Ocasek & Paulina Porizkova, Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley, Joe Cocker & anyone.
The main reason men do anything at all is to meet women. If you took a survey, 99% of men would say this is true and the remaining 1% would be lying through their teeth. So, yes, Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson, I suppose you're all about the music. I also suspect this is why you're music is so bloody annoying. Say what you will about Poison or Warrant...their songs may not be art, but they sure had a lot more fun.
I'm not a musician or really musically inclined in any way. I suppose, if I played an instrument, I would have passion & desire to have my songs heard. But even if you're only marginally talented, you could find a local venue with an open mike night and sing to your heart's content. If you're going to go through all of the stress, work, dedication and potential disaster to take a band to the next level, why would you eliminate the possibility of dating supermodels? I would think having a supermodel even know I existed, much less want to spend time with me would motivate me to become the next big thing.
Even being an ugly rock star doesn't hurt your chances with women. Look at the number of musicians who, quite frankly could scare a vulture off a meat wagon, that have hooked up with women way out of their league: Ric Ocasek & Paulina Porizkova, Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley, Joe Cocker & anyone.
The main reason men do anything at all is to meet women. If you took a survey, 99% of men would say this is true and the remaining 1% would be lying through their teeth. So, yes, Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson, I suppose you're all about the music. I also suspect this is why you're music is so bloody annoying. Say what you will about Poison or Warrant...their songs may not be art, but they sure had a lot more fun.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Pitching
From time to time, inspiration hits me & I come up with genius level ideas for surefire hit TV shows...and I thought I'd share a few of them with you!
First up, a reimagining of a television classic. America's favorite scary family has left 1313 Mockingbird Lane, moved to Wisconsin and opened a gourmet cheese shop. That's right...it's Herman, Lily, Grandpa and Eddie in a comedy not for the lactose intolerant. It's The Muensters!
Next...He's a cop on the edge, she's a single mother trying to make her way in the world, he's a bionic labradoodle on the run from the government, they're trying to find their way in the world after high school and he's a wacky immigrant working as a janitor in a school full of geniuses. Don't Miss...CopMomRobodogDimitri Lake.
You loved him in "Footloose," recognized him in "A Few Good Men," and saw waaaaay too much of him in "Wild Things." Now America's favorite reasonably famous actor brings a whole new dimension to game shows. Each week, a panel will try and pick out Kyra Segwick's husband from a lineup of contestants who are pantsless. Be sure to catch the excitement on "That's Not Bacon!"
Three men of the cloth from different backgrounds team up to spread the word & run a small town tavern on the hilarious new sitcom "A Minister, A Priest & A Rabbi."
As you can tell, I am the next Aaron Spelling. All I need is the big TV money to come through & I'll be sitting pretty!
First up, a reimagining of a television classic. America's favorite scary family has left 1313 Mockingbird Lane, moved to Wisconsin and opened a gourmet cheese shop. That's right...it's Herman, Lily, Grandpa and Eddie in a comedy not for the lactose intolerant. It's The Muensters!
Next...He's a cop on the edge, she's a single mother trying to make her way in the world, he's a bionic labradoodle on the run from the government, they're trying to find their way in the world after high school and he's a wacky immigrant working as a janitor in a school full of geniuses. Don't Miss...CopMomRobodogDimitri Lake.
You loved him in "Footloose," recognized him in "A Few Good Men," and saw waaaaay too much of him in "Wild Things." Now America's favorite reasonably famous actor brings a whole new dimension to game shows. Each week, a panel will try and pick out Kyra Segwick's husband from a lineup of contestants who are pantsless. Be sure to catch the excitement on "That's Not Bacon!"
Three men of the cloth from different backgrounds team up to spread the word & run a small town tavern on the hilarious new sitcom "A Minister, A Priest & A Rabbi."
As you can tell, I am the next Aaron Spelling. All I need is the big TV money to come through & I'll be sitting pretty!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Name Game
A brief word to my fellow genre geeks out there who are considering becoming parents. I produce the Kids Club Birthday spots that air on UNC-TV & UNC-KD. Every week, I witness the horrors perpetrated on innocent children by "creative" parents. Names that appear to be spelled phonetically...Names that have all 5 vowels in them for no reason whatsoever...names that have extraeneous consonants...and I have remained silent. "Not my kid, not my problem," has been my motto. But this time it's gone too far and I must speak out.
Some parent out there felt the need, the desire, the motivation to look down at the innocent face of their (presumably) first-born child, a child who has their entire lives before them, a child who has hurt no one, these parents looked at this baby and decided to name this child "Darth."
Geek parents, listen carefully, I'm only going to say this once...You Name. Your Pets After. Characters From. Science Fiction. Films... NOT YOUR KIDS!
Sending your child into the world with a name like "Darth" or "Anakin" or "Strider" isn't doing him any favors. At best, you're adding another level of stress to what's already going to be a difficult adolescence (and every adolescence is difficult. If it wasn't for you, you wouldn't be naming a kid "Frodo" or "Samwise.")
I know these characters mean something special to you. I have the same love for fantasy & sci-fi that you do. I just think that anything that could make a kid's life more difficult should be avoided.
To quote one of my heroes, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr., "We named the dog Indiana."
Some parent out there felt the need, the desire, the motivation to look down at the innocent face of their (presumably) first-born child, a child who has their entire lives before them, a child who has hurt no one, these parents looked at this baby and decided to name this child "Darth."
Geek parents, listen carefully, I'm only going to say this once...You Name. Your Pets After. Characters From. Science Fiction. Films... NOT YOUR KIDS!
Sending your child into the world with a name like "Darth" or "Anakin" or "Strider" isn't doing him any favors. At best, you're adding another level of stress to what's already going to be a difficult adolescence (and every adolescence is difficult. If it wasn't for you, you wouldn't be naming a kid "Frodo" or "Samwise.")
I know these characters mean something special to you. I have the same love for fantasy & sci-fi that you do. I just think that anything that could make a kid's life more difficult should be avoided.
To quote one of my heroes, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr., "We named the dog Indiana."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Keeping The Faith
I spend a lot of time on the Facebook & the Twitter. As it's gotten closer to Easter, I've noticed an interesting trend that, quite frankly, kinda bums me out.
I understand that not everyone shares my faith. That's fine...religion (or having no religion) is a personal choice and one that comes after long periods of soul-searching. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you respect me & my choice, I'll respect you & yours.
But what's troubling is that it seems like it's OK to be disrespectful & rude to people of faith & mock everything associated with it.
I know that in many cases, Christians have behaved badly to people who don't believe. We've brought some of the anger on ourselves by not living up to what we've been taught.
But Christians, like all large groups, are made up of individuals. Many of whom would never think of verbally abusing others or hating people they've never met. It makes me sad to see all of us painted with the same brush just because a few act like jerks.
Of course, the easy answer is, "Stop acting like jerks.". But when dealing with people, there are no easy answers.
Despite what some say, Christians aren't perfect. We struggle every day to reconcile our faith with a world that doesn't want to know about it.
If you don't believe what I believe & I mock you for it, then you have every right to think I'm an intolerant jackass. But somehow it's OK for you to mock what I believe & I'm "too sensitive" if I take it personally? Is a little mutual respect too much to ask?
I understand that not everyone shares my faith. That's fine...religion (or having no religion) is a personal choice and one that comes after long periods of soul-searching. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you respect me & my choice, I'll respect you & yours.
But what's troubling is that it seems like it's OK to be disrespectful & rude to people of faith & mock everything associated with it.
I know that in many cases, Christians have behaved badly to people who don't believe. We've brought some of the anger on ourselves by not living up to what we've been taught.
But Christians, like all large groups, are made up of individuals. Many of whom would never think of verbally abusing others or hating people they've never met. It makes me sad to see all of us painted with the same brush just because a few act like jerks.
Of course, the easy answer is, "Stop acting like jerks.". But when dealing with people, there are no easy answers.
Despite what some say, Christians aren't perfect. We struggle every day to reconcile our faith with a world that doesn't want to know about it.
If you don't believe what I believe & I mock you for it, then you have every right to think I'm an intolerant jackass. But somehow it's OK for you to mock what I believe & I'm "too sensitive" if I take it personally? Is a little mutual respect too much to ask?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Gym Rat
Almost a year ago, I joined a gym. I enjoy it, but it has led to some...interesting observations.
*Women have coordinated workout outfits. The shorts or pants & shirt match. They're put together. Men grab whatever their wives haven't thrown out or hasn't fallen apart yet. Lots of bandannas, big baggy shorts and "Where's The Beef" T-Shirts.
*Anytime before noon is senior citizen time. Treadmills that barely move, lots of khaki pants, plaid shirts & black socks (little old men dress up to work out like they're going to Golden Corral for dinner), and lots and lots of standing around.
*Why are the guys who primarily lift weights so ticked off? I mean, it's obvious they're strong and muscular and if I were strong and muscular, I'd be in a pretty good mood. Not these guys. They look like they're going in for their annual prostate exam.
*If you haven't been inside a locker room since high school, you aren't missing anything. They all vaguely smell of disinfectant, sweat and desperation.
*Speaking of locker rooms...stop walking around naked old guys. Seriously, just because you won World War II and kept Communists from taking over America doesn't mean you get to parade around in the buff.
*Nothing motivates me to work out harder than having every TV tuned to either CNN, Fox News or Fast Money. I'll kick the treadmill up to 20 just to get away faster.
*There's always that one lady who, either because of her looks, workout attire or attitude that you suspect is actually a stripper.
*Women have coordinated workout outfits. The shorts or pants & shirt match. They're put together. Men grab whatever their wives haven't thrown out or hasn't fallen apart yet. Lots of bandannas, big baggy shorts and "Where's The Beef" T-Shirts.
*Anytime before noon is senior citizen time. Treadmills that barely move, lots of khaki pants, plaid shirts & black socks (little old men dress up to work out like they're going to Golden Corral for dinner), and lots and lots of standing around.
*Why are the guys who primarily lift weights so ticked off? I mean, it's obvious they're strong and muscular and if I were strong and muscular, I'd be in a pretty good mood. Not these guys. They look like they're going in for their annual prostate exam.
*If you haven't been inside a locker room since high school, you aren't missing anything. They all vaguely smell of disinfectant, sweat and desperation.
*Speaking of locker rooms...stop walking around naked old guys. Seriously, just because you won World War II and kept Communists from taking over America doesn't mean you get to parade around in the buff.
*Nothing motivates me to work out harder than having every TV tuned to either CNN, Fox News or Fast Money. I'll kick the treadmill up to 20 just to get away faster.
*There's always that one lady who, either because of her looks, workout attire or attitude that you suspect is actually a stripper.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sparkles Over Peace Street
So, tonight is the Season 2 finale of Super Sparkle Showcase. It's been a gas from the start & I expect it to finish even stronger than it began. I wanted to take this opportunity to give a few shout outs.
To the contestants & their partners in Sparkle: I am so proud of all of you & what you've accomplished. Each week you accepted the challenge to take a simple suggestion & make it so much more. Each one of you have blown me away in one way or another during the past 6 weeks. You're all winners in my book.
To my co-judges: It's been so much fun getting to play with and off of you. You've made my good weeks fun, my bad weeks better & the whole run some of the most fun I've had in the past 5 years. So many thanks, so little time.
To Jason: Thanks for bringing this one-of-a-kind show to ComedyWorx & thanks for letting me be a part of it. You, sir, are the wind beneath my improv wings & never once told me to put on a frigging shirt.
So, once more into the breach...let's get ready to Sparkle!!!
To the contestants & their partners in Sparkle: I am so proud of all of you & what you've accomplished. Each week you accepted the challenge to take a simple suggestion & make it so much more. Each one of you have blown me away in one way or another during the past 6 weeks. You're all winners in my book.
To my co-judges: It's been so much fun getting to play with and off of you. You've made my good weeks fun, my bad weeks better & the whole run some of the most fun I've had in the past 5 years. So many thanks, so little time.
To Jason: Thanks for bringing this one-of-a-kind show to ComedyWorx & thanks for letting me be a part of it. You, sir, are the wind beneath my improv wings & never once told me to put on a frigging shirt.
So, once more into the breach...let's get ready to Sparkle!!!
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