Notes From Nerdvana

FML

2010-07-27T08:35:00.002-04:00

One of the more popular online acronyms today is "FML" which stands for (and I'm going to modify for the sake of gentility) "Frack My Life." I've seen it a lot lately. But I think it's being watered down by being used when it's nowhere near appropriate.

Look, I know things are tough & we all have bad days. But "FML" should only be used as the nuclear option of bad things happening. There are times when it's very applicable...but we should save it for those times.

You get your heart broken by someone you love...FML
There's a death in the family...FML
You lose your job or your home...FML
You lose an arm or a leg (but not fingers or toes, that's just inconvenient)...FML

Pretty much any other usage is just calling attention to day-to-day drama.

Didn't get enough sleep & are really tired? Annoying, but fixable
Video store gives you "Casper the Friendly Ghost" instead of "Citizen Kane?" A drag, but not the end of the world.
DVR didn't record "Big Brother?" It'll be available online somewhere.

To summarize: Catastrophic life changes...FML. Most everything else...whining.

Reading For Comprehension

2010-07-21T09:33:00.002-04:00

Because these little missives of mine post in multiple places on the Internets, I'm never sure if they're actually being read or just power skimmed. That's actually not a bad thing. It gives me the freedom to say practically whatever I want in whatever way I choose to say it. Mimes ate cheese from expired barrels.

But it does make me wonder just how closely rabbits talk to me in my sleep people are actually reading what I write. I totally get that john travolta somersaults prairie dog bedrooms we're inundated with lots of information every day & it's hard to moose shoes are mostly green filter through it all.

So, if things are really busy mussolini sang tenor in a field of poppies, one might be tempted to skip over yet another self-indulgent the goblins married monkeys on arbor day blog post. But if I've ever written anything marshmallow smoothies reek of cinnamon that has moved you or made you laugh then tarantulas and cicadas wear sunglasses at night it's all been worth it.

In conclusion, turnips on pizza are the wave of the future thanks for taking the time justin bieber is the devil in disguise to read these things. I enjoy christina hendrics and anna kendrick play the spoons in jug band jam bringing them to you.

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted...

2010-07-13T14:58:00.000-04:00

Look, I know this is a sensitive subject and I'm going to try & be as delicate as I can, but the time has come to discuss a little public restroom etiquette.

Having to perform needed bodily functions in public is stressful enough without rudeness or stupidity making it more awkward. So, if we can just agree to a few simple rules, we can make the experience more pleasant for everyone.

*No Talking. This isn't "Get To Know Your Neighbor" time. Depending on the degree of difficulty, I'm probably extremely embarrassed by the ambiance I'm creating. I don't want to discuss it with you. I don't even want to make eye contact before, during or especially after. Let's just do our business & pretend it never happened.

*The Bathroom Is A Don't Ask/Don't Tell Zone. It's just simple decency. No matter what you hear or see in there, you don't walk out & share it with the room. That violates the Code Of The Pooper. If you must share, use the same 24 hour rule that applies to calling after a first date.

*Own Up To Your Mistakes. If you commit an egregious fouling of the facilities & can't flush the evidence, don't leave it to be discovered by the next guy. I know it's humiliating, but take the time to let someone know you committed the ultimate party foul.

*Friends Bathrooms Are For #1 Only. Unless there's no alternative, don't take the Browns to the Super Bowl at a friend's house. There's too many disasters waiting to happen with this scenario. Better to rupture something than to have to ask The Most Awkward Question In The World: "Do you have a plunger?"

So let's be courteous & discreet when dealing with our private business in public...and a courtesy flush is always appreciated.

Twilight Time

2010-06-29T13:13:00.002-04:00

I wish I could say that I was excited about the whole "Twilight" phenomenon. It would seem to be right up my alley...vampires & werewolves fighting it out over the fate of a girl. Sounds pretty gripping, does it not?

Well, it's just not my cup of plasma. I know I'm not the target demographic (which, I believe, is alienated 14-16 year old girls who may or may not have a Hot Topic credit card.) Even friends close to my own age love it & I'm glad they do. It's great to have something to be passionate about.

But I think I'm over the "Sensitive Vampire Just Searching For Love." Because, if you peel away the monster mythology from that story it becomes "Nice Girl Tries To Change Bad Boy." Which is something that, in the real world, rarely ever works or ends well.

I know, I know...we can all point to examples in our real lives of Good Girls who dated the Bad Boy but were able to get him to mend his wicked ways with the power of their smooches. But those situations are exceptions to the rule. They're the small miracles that don't happen but once in a full moon (what, you thought I wasn't going to work in a werewolf reference? Silly you.)

Speaking as a male person, let me give any young lady who's trying to transform her very own vampire into someone she won't be embarrassed to take home to Mom & Dad or have to bail out of jail once a week: Give up. It's not worth the heartache & trashed credit ratings it's gonna cost you to find out that Vlad would rather suck your blood than write you moony poems.

Look, you should feel lucky if you can get a guy to change the channel, much less his entire lifestyle. I know guys who will sit through practically anything for hours if the remote is not in reach. If it's a choice between moving off the couch or watching the Shake Weight infomercial again, well, let's just say the Shake Weight will win every time.

Have you ever tried to get your significant other to throw out those sweatpants from college? The ones that are now 3 sizes too small & have a permanent funk that no amount of Clorox can burn away? The ones he keeps because he scored a touchdown in intramural football during his Freshman year at State? How well has that gone for you? That's what I thought.

Look, if it's "Twu Wuv" and you're in no physical danger, fine, don't listen to me. Go for it. You'll be the miracle cure for Snake's sociopathic, obsessive-compulsive, functioning alcoholic tendencies. You'll be the Buffy to his Angel (to borrow from another vampire-themed Good Girl/Bad Boy scenario.) I wish you all the best.

Just remember...some things that suck will always suck, no matter how much you wish they wouldn't.

No Day But Today...

2010-06-21T11:45:00.002-04:00

As anyone who has taken the time to read any of these blatherings knows, I love the crazy make-'em-ups world of improv. A couple of times a week, I get the unique opportunity to get together with my friends and try to make people laugh. Some nights, I'm more successful than others, but thankfully I'm surrounded by people who are blessed with the ability to make me look like I know what I'm doing even when I don't.

I've often said that improv didn't save my life, but it sure did save my sanity. I think anyone who is involved in any one of the performing arts would say the same thing about their chosen field (and yes, improv is an art...even short form where things can get really silly really quick.) Any time you find a group of people who share a similar passion, you can't help but feel like you're part of something special, especially when being a part of something was never your strongest suit.

But I think there's a pitfall that's often overlooked...the fact that nothing lasts forever. Plays have a limited run, concerts and improv shows are (usually) one-night affairs and then it's over & time to move on to the next thing. It all goes by so fast that I'm afraid we don't take the time to appreciate what we have.

We should be enjoying the time we have right now, because it could all go away tomorrow. If you're given the chance to perform with talented, funny people and you're grateful for that...let them know. I'm just as guilty as anyone of taking things for granted & letting little things get in the way of the big picture. I forget that every show could be my last show. And if it were, while I'd want to make sure the audience had a good time, I'd also want the people I was onstage with to know what an honor it was to perform with them. I don't care if it's for a packed house, a group of 20 obnoxious teenagers or for 6 of our friends who showed up just because we needed them there to have a show at all.

I'm immensely grateful for the people I get to perform & practice with. They've made me laugh when we've been onstage and (at the very least) put up with me on days that I didn't even want to hang out with me. If you're one of these people, I thank you for that and so much more.

Please...take the time to savor the good things in your life. Don't take them for granted. We've only got today.

Helping Hand or Here To Be A Blessing

2010-06-17T12:06:00.002-04:00

So, I've decided that I've just been to darn cranky & misanthropic lately. I need to be more mindful of my fellow man (and woman.) So, I'm starting a personal campaign to be more helpful. This is my Mission Statement or Manifesto, if you will. I hope if you find it inspiring, you'll join me in making the world a better place

STATEMENT OF BELIEFS REGARDING HELPING ALL MANKIND

I will endeavor to let people know, in the loudest, most direct way possible when they are behaving like a crapweasel. You're welcome, Crapweasels.

If I see small children struggling to pick up a tiny object so they can put it in their mouths and their parents don't see what's happening, I will aid said children by handing them said object and, if necessary, guide it to their gaping maws. You're welcome, Parents.

If a friend or family member is straying from the path of good taste by having the temerity to enjoy a different type of movie, book or television program than me, I will make every effort possible to guide them back to the correct path, even if it takes mocking them incessantly and thereby risking grave physical harm on my part. You're welcome, Friends and Family

If someone on the world wide web endangers their own credibility by choosing to have a contrary opinion than mine, I will use every resource available to let them know the error of their ways, thereby preventing them from being "pwoned" by "noobs." You're welcome, World Wide Web.

If someone is busting a quite clearly inferior move on the dance floor, I will show them how to get down with their bad selves, thus preventing them from getting "served" by other "sucker djs." You're welcome, Inferior Move Busters.

If I am asked "Do these pants make me look fat?" and said pants do, indeed, make the wearer look like he or she is trying to smuggle two frozen hams in the back of their jeans, I will reply with honesty & integrity from a safe location many miles away with a letter sent 4th class media mail. You're welcome, Husky People

These are just a few of the ways I plan to assist my fellow man (or woman) to make their lives better. You don't have to thank me. I'm just here to be a blessing.

Rock & Roll Fantasy

2010-06-17T09:27:00.002-04:00

OK Rock Stars, sit down. You & I need to have a serious chat. There's something very wrong here and we need to get some things straight.

The disconnect began when I (very much against my will, but being a good spouse) went to see Iron Maiden. The show was what it was & I spent most of my time trying to figure out what the last song was going to be, which was no mean feat when you consider (a) I knew recognized about 2 1/2 Maiden songs in the first place and (b) there's not a lot of what you would call "Top 10 hits a band would close their show with" in the second place. ANYWAY...

Bruce Dickinson, Maiden's lumpy lead singer, made a huge point at the beginning of the show to point out that, "We're Iron Maiden. We don't date supermodels...we're all about the music!" I don't know if you've ever actually looked at Iron Maiden, but supermodels not wanting to date them didn't really surprise me. The look like they escaped from a Lord of the Rings reenactment. They looked very working class British. Basically, they're kinda homely.

But what threw me off was that Bruce was saying that they had no interest in dating supermodels. Quite frankly, if you don't want to date supermodels, what's the point of becoming a rock star in the first place?

And this attitude has spread. There was a time when the biggest press rock stars got was when they were partying hard, trashing hotel rooms & generally behaving badly. This scandalous behavior was noticed by 14 year old boys who seemed to think, rightly or wrongly, that it looked like a lot of fun & they wanted to do it so they formed a band & bang! Another generation of rock stars was born.

But today, most rock stars are talking about the causes they support or their efforts to save the environment or what we can do to enact change and make a difference. These are all noble & well intentioned and rock stars, let me say from the bottom of my heart, you need to knock it off.

Seriously...when you & your buddies got together and decided to become famous (whether you could play your instruments or not,) you entered into a social contract with me. The contract basically goes like this: You live the life that I can't & I'll buy your music.

It's that easy. I don't want to hear a lead singer tell me about recycling. I can recycle. What I can't do is party with strippers 6 nights a week. You're supposed to be doing all the stuff that we all secretly would do if we could. I'm aware that there's lots of bad stuff in the world, but the fact that you can destroy a room in the Dayton, Ohio Radisson and not go to jail for it somehow balances that out for me.

So please, I'm begging you, stop taking Sting or Bono's calls when they want you to make a video about the plight of the Western Sea Otter. Fight the urge to make your tour bus solar powered. And for goodness' sake, if your Crib has a compost heap & a windmill, keep it to yourself.

Remember, when one of you dates Heather Locklear, we all date Heather Locklear.

Drinking With The Stars

2010-06-16T09:50:00.002-04:00

It's been very trendy lately for celebrities to come out with their own signature fragrances. Because, really who wouldn't want to smell like Britney Spears? (Sidenote...I haven't actually smelled her perfume, but I imagine Britney smells like menthol cigarettes, tater tots & desperation.)

So this got me a thinking about what kind of signature cocktails would celebrities create to embody their essence in alcoholic form. So let's see what I came up with....

Kid Rock: Pabst Blue Ribbon, hot dog water and Mad Dog 20/20

Lady GaGa: Absinthe, NyQuil Wild Cherry and a handful of anti-psychotics

The Cast of Glee: Bartles & James Peachtastic wine cooler, spearmint schnaaps & 4 pixie sticks

Dane Cook: Royal Crown, grape Kool-Aid & 3 slices of Kraft American cheese

Justin Bieber: Yoo-Hoo, Zima & Pepto-Bismol

Mickey Rourke: Vodka, Jack Daniels and Antifreeze

David Hasselhoff: Meister Brau, Wild Turkey & 3 liquified Big Macs

There's a ton of money to be made from celebrity cocktails....and the subsequent bookings on "Celebrity Rehab." I anxiously await your call Hollywood.

Divas

2010-06-15T08:58:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about pop Divas lately, which is odd since I'm not all that interested in the music they produce. What intrigues me is how there only seems to be room for one Supreme Diva at a time...like for some reason pop culture and society can't handle more than one.

So, for me, the easiest way to figure this out is with the fatuous male analogy of relating them to:

EVERY GIRL YOU WERE EVER ATTRACTED TO:

Cyndi Lauper was the cool older girl that would still hang out with you. She was fun & you could hang out knowing there wasn't any chance that it would last. She was going to go off and spend like, 6 months at community college before becoming a bartender in your hometown that you'd see when you came home on summer break and would let you buy beer even though you weren't 21 yet.

Madonna was the first college girl you went out with while you were still in high school. There was never a chance that it would last, because as soon as she could she'd be dating a professor or some grad school guy with a cooler car. It was a relationship in your mind only that would flame out after a month with you much more in love with her than she ever was in you.

Whitney Houston was the good girl who dated bad boys. It was a relationship that had nothing but drama, because either they were still together, which meant all she would talk about is how she was going to change him (which, by the way, never works. If you can't convince a guy to change out of his sweatpants before a date, you're not going to get him to change his life...but I digress) or they had just broken up & she spent all her time crying about how he was misunderstood & you were such a good friend for listening to her problems. Eventually, they'd get back together & spend the rest of their time mutually destroying each other.

Britney Spears was the wild card. If you took her to a party, there was a 50/50 chance that she'd get wild & rip off her top or drink too much & spend the night in the corner crying because her daddy didn't love her or some other girl didn't like her or the nachos were all gone. The headaches weren't worth the fun.

Christina Aguilera seemed to be the one. Pretty, smart, just wild enough to be fun but not likely to go nuts. She was the one that you couldn't believe was actually going out with you, but you thanked your lucky stars she did. Unfortunately, you'd screw it up because of....

Lady GaGa...the crazy one. We're talking stone cold, batpoop, bouncing off the wall nuts. The art school/drama club girl who would do anything and I mean anything. She was just as likely to give you the greatest night of your life as she was to get you into a fight for no apparent reason. The girl that you would hide any and all sharp & stabby objects from when she came over. You knew it was a bad idea, but you couldn't stay away.

And this is the reason that Christina can't compete with GaGa today. She's settled down & had a child. Xtina still has the chops, but she's not dangerous anymore. For better or worse, the universe prefers crazy & talented to just talented, and GaGa has crazy to spare.

Save The Bandit With Time Travel!

2010-06-14T12:07:00.003-04:00

Aside from all the other problems that need fixing, scientists need to get on making time travel a reality ASAP.

"Sounds like a great idea," you're thinking. "It would be great to go back & fix history before it ever went wrong." While that is a noble thought, if we've learned anything from Doctor Who it's that the past is fixed & no about of mucking about is going to change anything. In most cases, it would in fact make things worse.

What I want to do with my personal time travel device is very simple & would fix the future. I want to go back to, say, 1977 and grab Burt Reynlolds, Jerry Reed, Dom DeLuise & the whole gang and bring them to 2010 so they can keep making Smokey & The Bandit movies before Hollywood decides to remake them.

I admit, this is a purely selfish move on my part. But when you get your own time machine you can do what you want with it.

Look, it's only a matter of time before some dim-bulb studio executive gets the dim-bulb idea to remake all those great car chase films of that era. And when they do, the law of averages says that they're not only going to get it wrong, they're gonna get it horribly, horribly wrong.

I have a recurring nightmare where they remake Smokey & The Bandit with Gerard Butler as Bandit, Larry the Cable Guy as Snowman, John Goodman as Sheriff Buford T. Justice and Megan Fox as Mouse. All of the chase scenes are CGI and they get somebody like Rascall Flats to cover "Eastbound & Down." Of course, it makes 100 Gajillion dollars, so they go ahead & remake Hooper and Cannonball Run, screwing them up beyond all belief and I wake up screaming.

Were any of these truly landmark works of cinematic art? Of course not. But they were fun. Remakes of them wouldn't be any fun at all. They'd be prepackaged & market-researched to within an inch of their lives. Director Hal Needham didn't need a focus group to tell him that audiences love to see cars get smashed up reeaaal good. Everybody loves that.

Are there drawbacks to my plan? Of course. If history follows, Burt & company will eventually have to make versions of Cannonball Run 2 and Stroker Ace. But you've got to take the good with the bad and quite frankly, I'd rather watch any version of Stroker Ace over any 5 minutes of The Fast & The Furious franchise any day.

So get me my time machine Science Guys. We've got a long way to go & a short time to get there and I sure don't want to make that trip with Shia LaBouef.

Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

2010-06-11T16:42:00.000-04:00

Apparently, the World Cup started today. Apparently, this is a big deal to 90% of the world, 5% of Americans who love soccer (and I bet I'm being generous with that number,)and 4% of Americans who feel the need to shout "USA, USA" in a large crowd. The other 1%, of which I'm a proud member, couldn't care less.

If you love soccer, more power to you. Have a ball (no pun intended) for the next month. Go nuts. As for me, there's not a device on the planet that can measure my indifference to the game.

I've heard all the arguments: "It's the most popular sport in the world. It promotes goodwill & teamwork. You just don't get it." You're not gonna change my mind.

Look, any activity where you can run for 90 minutes & still wind up with a 0-0 tie is not a sport. It's enclosed cross-country. It's the worst high school gym class ever.

People have been saying for 40 years that soccer's going to be huge in America. Its not. It never will be. Except with that special breed of parents who drag little Caitlin or Katelyn or kate-Lynn out to the field every Saturday for 6 months to watch her run around in circles so she'll get a trophy for "Participation."

This is supposed to be "Character Building." I suspect if you got these same parents slightly buzzed, they'd admit that having little Mackenzie or McKenzee or Beulah sprinting around just wears them out enough so Mom & Dad can catch a nap.

So fans, enjoy the spectacle of the World Cup. Drink it in. Savor it. Just don't be offended by my indifference. It's not that I'm apathetic...I just don't care.

Funny Business

2010-06-10T12:17:00.004-04:00

Just some random opinions (and please read that word veeery slowly...oh-pin-yuns, 'cause if you disagree that's all they are) on what I think is funny.

While the secret of comedy is timing, the second secret of comedy is confidence. You've got to believe what you're saying is funny or nobody else is going to. Even comics who's character is based on having no confidence at all (Woody Allen is a good example) have confidence enough in that character to make it funny.

A bad joke told well is funnier than a good joke told badly. There's nothing more fun than having a joke that is so cheesy or corny and telling it to a friend like it's the funniest thing ever.

Puns are awesome. I know people who hate puns & think they're the lowest form of humor. These people also hate puppies & kittens. It takes skill to come up with a really good pun. A

Men who say that, "Women aren't funny" are not to be trusted and are suffering from a condition known as Rectal-Cranial Inversion. Don't date these men & certainly don't marry them. They wouldn't know funny if it kicked them in the junk.

Things & people that are always funny (to me): Tim Conway, Mel Brooks, Carol Burnett, The Dick Van Dyke Show, I Love Lucy, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Patton Oswalt, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson, Bob Newhart, Don Knotts and Hee Haw (What? Hey, make your own list & don't judge me) to name just a few

Things & people I don't think are funny, but others do & that's fine by me: Larry the Cable Guy, more than 5 minutes of Steven Wright, Sara Silverman, Richard Lewis and the ending of "Titanic." (Where the old lady throws away a gazillion dollar necklace, not when DiCaprio drowns 'cause I laughed my head off when he went under for the last time.)

Yes, I left many people off of the first list that I find hysterical. I left some people off the second list that I don't like either. But here's the thing, you could switch the titles for each of them & they'd still be valid. Funny is subjective and it's better when it's shared. I've seen movies in a crowded theater that I laughed my head off at that didn't make me crack a smile when I saw them at home by myself.

That being said, I do believe there should be an Oscar for Best Comedy. The great actor Edwin Booth said, "Dying is easy...comedy is hard." He was right. It takes a special gift to make people laugh. If you're able to do it, you should be thankful. Laughter brings people together & it let's them forget about their worries for a while.

So, if you make people laugh professionally or as a hobby, onstage or outside your cubicle, I salute you. You've been well & truly blessed.

Oh Robbbbb!

2010-06-08T12:38:00.002-04:00

DISCLAIMER: This post popped into my head when there was a brief online rumor that Dick Van Dyke had passed away. Thankfully, this wasn't the case. Mr. Van Dyke is still with us as of this writing, but all points made below are still applicable. END DISCLAIMER

With the popularity of Mad Men, I'd become more convinced than ever that I'd been born too late. I would have loved to have been a part of advertising or television back in the late 50's and early 60's when it was truly in it's heyday.

But the more I thought about it, I realized that I didn't really want to live in that era. For better or worse, I'm a child of the late 20th Century, the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation and while I sometimes miss having only three networks, the minuses by far outweigh the benefits. After careful consideration, I came to an inescapable conclusion. It wasn't when I wanted to live...it was who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be Rob Petrie.

Rob Petrie, if you don't know (and shame on you if you don't) was the main character in "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and was played by (duh) Dick Van Dyke. Rob was the man. Stylish, classy and funny, he was the head writer of The Alan Brady Show which was an homage to series creator Carl Reiner's tenure on the various Sid Caesar comedy-variety shows of the 50's.

Who wouldn't want to have Rob's life? He wore snappy suits to work. He spent all day writing comedy with Buddy & Sally, then went home to the ridiculously beautiful Mary Tyler Moore who made a pair of Capri pants & a sweatshirt look like a million bucks. Sure, there were irritations: Show producer Mel Cooley was a pain, son Richie was kind of annoying and there was always that stupid ottoman to contend with, but Rob pretty much had it all.

I know it was a sitcom & bears no resemblance to real life then or now. But it all looked so fun. I can't imagine a better job than being paid to be funny all day long or to occasionally put on talent shows with your friends. It was a more innocent time.

I'll probably never get the chance to meet Carl Reiner or Dick Van Dyke and tell them how much creating that world meant to me. It was one of the reasons I decided to go into television and even later improv. While my experiences haven't been the same, I can say that for the most part, they have been fun.

So I raise a glass to Carl Reiner, Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam and Richard Deacon. I'm going to trip over an ottoman every once in a while in your honor.

"Hey Look At Me!"

2010-06-08T08:36:00.002-04:00

I've heard from many female friends over the years about just how annoying it can be when guys pay too much attention to them. I know they're not being arrogant; many men are, how shall I put this, overzealous when it comes to women they find attractive. There's never any excuse for any behavior that can be construed as inappropriate, stalker-like or just downright creepy.

That being said...I've never heard one of my male friends complain about unwanted attention from women. This is because (except in rare cases) to men there's no such thing as unwanted attention from women.

Every single achievement by men in the history of the world can be traced back to one simple idea that's hardwired into males from the moment of their conception..."If I do this maybe a girl will like me."

Does that make men look like simple, ignorant creatures who are only motivated by one thing? Well, that's because we are simple, ignorant creatures only motivated by one thing. We want girls to like us. No guy, no matter how enlightened or post-modern (whatever that means) will deny that fact.

There are countless examples throughout history that back this fact up. Julius Caesar got involved in Egyptian politics for Cleopatra. Columbus crossed the ocean for Queen Isabella. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone just so he could get the number of the future Mrs. Bell.

What's the first thing a boy child shouts when he's about to do something stupid or reckless on the playground? "Watch me!" When a boy discovers the wonderful world of boogers, snakes and frogs, he doesn't show them to his buddies. He throws them at the girls, who, granted scream & run away, but hey, they sure will remember him.

Men crave attention from women. Men are willing to write sonnets, discover continents and (if You Tube is any example) almost set themselves on fire just to make you smile or roll your eyes or simply acknowledge their existence.

It isn't always pretty...but it's the way we are.

Socially Acceptable

2010-06-04T00:32:00.000-04:00

For many years, the internet divided its time between being a wonderful research tool & an efficient pornography delivery system. Everybody had their own little corner of it & pretty much stayed out of each other's way.

Then, someone got the bright idea that everyone on the web should know everybody else. Thus, "Social Networking" was born. And, like all cool things, it was actually only super-cool for about a year.

But you're saying, "Chris...aren't you involved in social networking & isn't it a wee bit hypocritical to bitch about it?" The answers to those questions are "yes" and "no, it's not a wee bit hypocritical. It's hugely hypocritical, but I can live with that."

Look, I love (most) of Facebook & (much more) of Twitter. I can keep up with friends & family without having to make the effort to actually see them (don't look at me like that, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about,) plus it gives me a forum to spout off at length about pretty much anything that crosses my mind. I'm all for anything that enables my narcissism.

But there's a lot of pressure there too. Any friend request I get, if I haven't seen them in the past, oh, 10 minutes or so, I've got to wrack my brain trying to remember just how I know him (and it's always a him. Women get a free pass because I'm a man in my 40s & the instances of women wanting to associate with me are getting slimmer every day.) Plus, there's the guilt of the ignored friend request.

I also spend an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with funny things to say so that relative strangers will like me. There's a pathology there that unnerves me sometimes.

Look, social networking isn't going anywhere anytime soon. People have figured out how to make money off it, so it's here to stay. But remember...it's supposed to make life easier & more fun. It shouldn't feel like work & it damn sure shouldn't feel like high school, even though it sometimes does.

Remember, there are real people out there who want to hang out with the real you. Maybe not me, but definitely you. Balance in all things.

Sir Patrick

2010-06-03T06:47:00.002-04:00

So Patrick Stewart went & got himself knighted...which is awesome. But you may not know there are perks that go along with the title. With a little digging & a heretofore unknown talent for hacking, I managed find a partial list of the benefits Sir Patrick will enjoy with this great honor...

#4 No longer has to flush the loo when visiting Buckingham Palace

#7 Can legally take possession of William Shatner's toupees

#9 Lays claim to official title of "Sir Patrick Stewart, Lord Locutus of Borg and Mack Daddy Daddy Mack of the British Empire Beyotches"

#13 Gets his own TARDIS

#17 May, without reprisal, take a Number Two on Number One anytime Jonathan Frakes is on British soil

#22 Gets Kate Winslet's home phone number

Congratulations Sir Patrick for a well deserved honor.

And I Love Her....

2010-05-06T11:15:00.002-04:00

I received and e-mail today from my Sainted Wife expressing concern that my profile on my blog didn't mention that I was married. More to the point, it kinda bugged her. I was taken a bit aback. Out of the approximately 10,ooo things I do every week (day) to bug her, this wasn't one that I was expecting. So, I came here to rectify the situation & lo and behold, there isn't a tab on the profiles to indicate marital status. So I thought this would be the next best thing...hopefully it is.

I met Deanna on the first day of class of our sophomore year in college. August 26, 1988 to be precise. Our professor was what you would call "goofy" and the second thing I noticed about her (besides the fact that I thought she was smoking hot) was that she was the only one besides me laughing at him. I thought, "Gorgeous, smart & a sense of humor. She could be the total package." So, mustering all my courage & charm, I asked her to go get lunch. After unsubtly finding out she was single, I weakly hinted that, if she didn't have any plans that night, that I was also free & that she should give me a call if she wanted to hang out. She did & we did & the rest is history.

I am and continue to be remarkably blessed by her. She puts up with my crap (and those of you who know me know that I generate roughly 25 metric tons of crap a day) with more grace & good humor than anyone I know (including me) would or should. She's been there for me through good times & bad and no matter how many reasons I gave her for not wanting to stick around, she still does.

She's got an abiding love & spirit for little kids, small animals & old people and is quite simply the best thing that's ever happened to me. On top of everything else, she manages to stay sane while being married to an improviser. Anyone who's ever been in any kind of relationship with someone who performs improv knows that this isn't always an easy task.

I've often said that people who get to know us like me, but love her. I'm not being self-deprecating here. She's easy to love & a much better person than I am, but I'm trying.

So, in conclusion, even though there's no spot to say it on my profile, sorry ladies I'm very much taken.

Love you lots.

Me

There's Always A Price To Pay

2010-04-26T14:10:00.002-04:00

Guys...did you enjoy taking your girlfriend/spouse to "Kick-Ass?" Did you get out of seeing JLo in "The Back Up Plan" by conning her into seeing "The Losers?" Have you already told her that she's got to get home from work early on May 6th so you can make it to that midnight show of "Iron Man 2." I hope so. Because she's keeping score in her head and there's gonna be a price to pay. The bill comes due on May 27th when she looks at you & reminds you that "Sex & The City 2" is opening.

You may get lucky. She may have a gaggle of girlfriends just chomping at the bit to go see the equine Sarah Jessica Parker & friends head to that hotbed of partying and sex, the Middle East. For your sake, I hope so. Because if she doesn't, you're screwed. You can try and come up with any lame excuse you want, but it's not going to hold water. You're gonna get reminded how many times in the last month she's gone to see people get shot, disemboweled & blown up & it's only fair that you go see Carrie and her gang wear ugly clothes and bond.

Of course this is a gross generalization. I know there are many women who could care less about Sex and the City. There are many women who enjoy a good action flick as much as you do. For your sakes, I hope that you are involved with one of these women. If not, well, may God have mercy on your soul. Look at the bright side...there's a 50/50 chance that between hugs & girl power, there might be a little nudity.

You've Been Warned...

2010-04-21T11:55:00.002-04:00

So, my capacity for dealing with stupid questions (especially from people who should know better) is at an all time low. Time was, I'd get asked a dumb question & I would patiently smile and answer and chuckle to myself about how silly people could be sometimes.

But not anymore. In fact, I'm instituting a new policy. If you begin asking me a stupid question (by my definition, a stupid question is one that if you thought about it for 5 seconds before asking, you'd realize that you either (a) already know the answer or (b) shouldn't be asking something so silly in the first place) I'm going to flick you in the ear until you (a) stop or (b) go away. No warning...just ear flicking. If this doesn't make you stop, I'm moving on to a sock full of nickels & will pummel you about the head & shoulders until you stop.

Naturally, there are exceptions to every rule. If you can (a) divorce me, (b) fire me or (c) kick the crap out of me (or any combination of the three) I will continue to answer your stupid questions with grace, but reserve the right to mock you mercilessly behind your back for a period of no less than 3 months.

Have a nice day.

My Jeffrey Story

2010-03-29T06:41:00.002-04:00

I couldn't verbalize this last night, but I wanted to share it.

Last January, for my 40th birthday, we had made plans to go out of town. For a variety of reasons, those plans fell through. So, we decided to just hang out at Frankie's & let people know we'd be there if they wanted to come by & help me celebrate this milestone.

Since my birthday that year fell on Super Bowl Sunday along with all the other things that people had going on, coupled with the fact that it was so last minute, I wasn't terribly surprised when after a couple of hours no one had shown up. Except that Jeffrey did.

We hung out for a while, played some games, won some tickets & had a nice visit. The next week, I mentioned to Richard that I appreciated Jeffrey coming by while he was home to visit. Richard told me that Jeffrey had driven in from Greensboro just to come see me for my birthday.

That meant a lot to me then & it means even more to me now.

Anyway...that's my Jeffrey story. Rest well, my friend. I'm gonna miss you.

Driving Me Crazy

2010-03-03T12:17:00.003-05:00

Dear Other Motorists...
I know we've had a rocky relationship lately. We just can't get on the same page and it's causing us stress. I've examined our relationship & have come to one conclusion: It's not me, it's you.

You seem to be bipolar, especially the last few days. You see, either you're in front of me going 10 miles under the speed limit or you're behind me trying to go 10 miles faster than me while ignoring the basic principle of physics that states that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time.

The slowness I don't have a huge problem with. Yes, it's annoying for me, but something that I can ultimately get over. It's the second trait that's causing me worry. You see, in the first place, I drive a large truck. Often, when you think I'm just leisurely cruising along, I actually have another vehicle in front of me and, since I have no desire to send their back seat flying suddenly into their front seat, I need to keep a little space between us. I know you can't see this, but we've been together long enough that you should trust me on this once in awhile.

In the second place, the idea that you're so much more important than I am hurts me deeply. I know there are times when I'm driving a little slower than you. Believe me, it's not to annoy you. It's that I have this ridiculous aversion to either (a) get a ticket or (b) slamming into inanimate objects like trees, guard rails and other cars just so you can save a few minutes. As someone with a fairly large ego, I understand the concept that you are the center of the universe. Trust me on this...you're not.

So, dear other driver, I'm asking you seek help & be patient or there may be consequences. Consider this...my truck is 9 years old, fully insured and I don't particularly care what happens to it at this point. Keep pushing me & you may find out what someone with nothing to lose, transportation-wise, will to to end a relationship.

All the best...
Me.

An E-Pip-phany

2010-03-01T09:27:00.002-05:00

Everyone loves Gladys Knight. You know why? The Pips, that's why. Who wouldn't want a group of smooth background dancers following them around, choreographing their daily lives? Nobody, that's who. And, using the Pips method, I've figured out how to solve both the rampant depression and unemployment problems facing our nation today.

It's very simple...we take all of the people who are unemployed and put them in groups of four. Then, using a database of everyone in America on anti-depressants, we assign the groups of four to be the depressed person's Pips. The Pips spend their days following the depressed person around and dancing behind them in a very, well, Pip-like fashion.

Since it's impossible to be sad when you've got your very own Pips, the depressed person will be happy again. The money they used to spend on Xanax and the like will go into a fund to pay the Pips salaries. As an added bonus, the Pips, who were undoubtedly depressed at being unemployed, will now be happier individuals, thus eliminating their need for anti-depressants in the future.

Everybody wins...everybody gets Pips. You're welcome, America.

Olympic Fever

2010-02-13T19:44:00.000-05:00

By now, the whole world is wrapped up in the spectacle that is the Winter Olympics, celebrating the best that athletics has to offer. And yet, I still feel like there's something missing. I couldn't put my finger on it until today. What the modern Olympics is lacking is the sheer terror of imminent death.

Back when the USSR was a world power, there was a certain tension among the athletes from the Soviet bloc countries. A look that said, "If I screw this up, I'm gonna die." Every time a prancing pony gymnast from Belarus didn't stick the landing or a Polish ice dancer fell on his sequined butt, everyone watching knew that it was all over for them. It was the ultimate in reality television.

These days, it's just not as exciting if you know that the only consequence of missing the triple salchow is that the pairs skaters might have to go to couple's counselling.

But I have a plan to bring back that edge & apply it to American reality television. Up the ante for the losers. Think how much more thrilling it would be if, say, the losers on "Survivor" didn't get to meet Regis & Kelly, but instead would meet Boris the former KGB interrogator. Or, if after finidhing second on "American Idol," Clay Aiken had been sent to Siberia instead of making crappy records.

So let's reclaim that Schadenfreude that we've lost & make people who think they can dance be very, very certain they can before auditoning.

Rockford

2010-01-26T14:23:00.002-05:00

So, "House" creator David Shore & Steve Carell of "The Office" are producing a remake of the classic 70's detective series "The Rockford Files." As a fan of both the show and original star James Garner, you might think that I think that this is a terrible idea. And on one level it is. The original was pitch perfect and completely tied to its era. You had the trailer by the beach, the cool Camaro, the original model answering machine that opened every episode and the cooler than cool James Garner. It wasn't perfect, but boy was it entertaining.

That being said, if Carell and Shore can remember a few important facts, a remake might not be so bad. Here's what needs to happen for it to be good:

Jim Rockford is not House. He's not tortured or anti-social. Yeah, he's a little ticked off at being sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit (a theme that producer Stephen J. Canell would exploit a few years later in "The A-Team.") but he's a well adjusted professional doing his job. There are no deep, dark secrets. It's an old-fashioned detective show.
Jim Rockford doesn't like guns. He never carried one in the 70's and he sure doesn't need to carry one now.
Don't screw around with the theme song. No remixes, no reimagining, no new orchestration or lyrics. Just have the answering machine beep and hit the music.
Don't srew around with the car. You can have your General Lee's and your Kitt's and your A-Team vans, for my money the gold camaro was the quintessential cool TV show car.
Rockford is cool, so think about that when casting. Sam Rockwell would be a great choice, if you could get him to do TV. If not him, Michael Weatherly from NCIS is practically playing a version of Rockford every week.
His dad Rocky is an integral part of the show. You could do a lot worse than throwing a bunch of money at Bruce Campbell to play him.
Seriously...if it gets picked up as a series, DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH THE THEME.

So good luck David & Steve (if I can be so bold as to call you that, since we're old pals & all.) Don't mess this up. Make it fun. Make it exciting. And please, please...don't screw around with the theme.

The Over The Hill Gang

2010-01-25T09:38:00.002-05:00

Since I turn 41 on Saturday (and officially, in the words of a good friend, go from "Old Fart" to "Old #$%&") I thought it would be a good idea to take stock of what I like to call:

THINGS I AM TOO OLD TO DO

Shop at Hot Topic, or even walk past the store without looking like a Narc
Become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live"
Drink like I'm 25
Drink like I'm 35 (which is essentially the same thing as 25, but with the added pressure of needing to (a) get home and (b) having to pee every 15 minutes)
Dance in public without the aid of alcohol (technically, I've never been able to do that, but now I can blame it on my age rather than being, shall we say, "rhythmically challenged")
Use hip-hop slang credibly
Drive a sports car without looking like a middle-aged dorknozzle having a mid-life crisis
Play a professional sport (although my complete lack of athletic ability could also have something to do with it)
Wear a baseball cap backwards in public (see sports car above for why)
Die young

On the plus side, my advancing years do afford me some perks that I didn't know about:

I can watch shows on CBS unironically
My long, rambling boring stories can be seen as age-related rather than simply raging narcissism
I can use the phrase "Back in my day...." and really mean it
I can wear sweatpants 24/7 and out in public and nobody cares

So it's not all bad. I don't even feel guilty standing on my porch and yelling, "You kids get off my lawn!" while shaking my fist. Being a codger has its advantages.

Welcome To Con Air

2010-01-20T06:04:00.002-05:00

Last night I revisited one of my favorite bad movies: the Michael Bay/Nicolas Cage extravaganza "Con Air." Oh Holy Night...this is one fantastic bad movie.

Now, by "bad movie," I don't mean it's not entertaining. I mean a movie that's so over-the-top and committed to it's goofiness that it's ridiculously fun to watch. I'd forgotten how gloriously stupid and funny "Con Air" was. I mean, when Steve Buscemi gives the most subtle performance in a film, you know you're in for a wild ride.

How do I love thee "Con Air?" Let me count the ways...

Nicolas Cage with a goofy accent and even goofier mullet
John Malkovich spitting and snarling like a rabid labradoodle
Not one, but two scenes of people walking away from a fireball in slow motion
The constant repetition of John Cusack's character's name (Vince Larkin) as if the audience is going to forget who he is
The beginning of director Michael Bay's love of extreme close-ups of sweaty men (a motif that also rears its head in "The Rock" and "Armageddon.")
The seizure inducing editing that makes you wonder if Bay's been tested for ADD
A climax that has the villain stabbed, thrown through the air, electrocuted and having his head squashed, Wile E. Coyote style.
John Cusack being the only action hero to ever help save the day in Huraches.

"Con Air" isn't just your average "turn off your brain" action flick. It's a "drink a bottle of tequila, smoke crack and give yourself a lobotomy with a screwdriver" action flick...and I dearly love it.

The Greatest Network Ever

2010-01-12T20:20:00.000-05:00

One of Time Warner cable's newest offerings is RFD HD. I stumbled across it when I found out it shows "Hee Haw" (my love for which knows no bounds & for which I feel no shame.) But looking over their schedule shows me that RFD HD may be the Greatest Network Ever.

Ostensibly catering to rural viewers, RFD offers country music shows like the aforementioned "Hee Haw," "Pop Goes The Country," & even Nashville Netowrk vets Crook & Chase and Ralph Emery have shows. But where the hay really meets the bailer (to mangle a metaphor) is in their other original programming.

This is a network that gives an hour of prime time to a show about growing soybeans...another to a look at the 2009 cotton crop...not to mention something called "The Big Joe Polka Show.". It's like the farm shows that used to come on before cartoons on Saturday morning, only 24 hours a day.

It's so old school & charming that, while I'm mocking the programming, I admire it's earnestness. Goofy or not, RFD knows its market.

24 New Season Spoilers!!!!!

2009-12-28T12:36:00.003-05:00

From a source I cannot name, I've gotten a brief synopsis of the new season of "24" that begins airing in January. Sounds like a radical new direction for the hit Fox show.

"Jack Bauer has saved the day countless times and he's finally had enough. This season on 24, see what happens when the only man for the job...calls in sick!"

Episode 1 7:00am-9:00am
In the thrilling season premiere, Jack decides he's earned a day off. Using all his training, he calls into CTU pretending to have the stomach flu. He spends the morning watching "Today" and wonders if Meredith Viera is really as nice as she seems on TV.

Episode 2 10:00am-11:00am
Jack makes disparaging remarks about Kathie Lee Gifford and the other lady on the third hour of "Today."

Episode 3 12:00pm-1:00pm
Jack dances with Ellen & then makes himself a couple of breakfast Hot Pockets.

Episode 4 2:00pm-3:00pm
Jack spends a tense hour in the bathroom as a result of his poor choice of breakfasts. Screens calls from CTU.

Episode 5 4:00pm-5:00pm
Jack's rage boils over as he smashes his "Guitar Hero" controller when he can't play "Daydream Believer" on easy. Frustrated, he cries about how the game is "cheating him."

Episode 6 6:00pm-8:00pm
Jack's "private time" with the new Lane Bryant catalog. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Episode 7 9:00pm-10:00pm
Jack risks death once again by daring to eat another Hot Pocket.

Episode 8 11:00pm-12:00am
Hot Pocket once again tortures Jack, more bathroom time.

Episode 9 1:00am-2:00am
Facebook status updated, sends friend requests to Jason Bourne, James Bond and Lou Diamond Phillips

Episode 10 3:00am-4:00am
Soothing his pain with alcohol, accidentally drunk dials Chloe. Awkward silence ensues

Episode 11 5:00am-6:00am
Season Finale. Jack collapses into bed, fitfully praying for a snow day. Awakens disappointed to remember that it's May.

Season's Greetings

2009-12-12T06:55:00.003-05:00

Seems like we waste a lot of time & stress during December trying to figure out just what to say to people to convey our wish that they have a joyous holiday no matter how he or she may choose to celebrate it (or not celebrate it, as the case may be.) So, I have a modest proposal that might just alleviate some of the headaches.

If you're not sure whether Joe in the cubicle next to you or Susie the barista celebrates Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus or nothing at all, but still want to say something, say "Waffles."

Think about it. Waffles are an inherently happy food. They're fun to make, fun to eat and bad things rarely happen when they're part of the menu. When people break up, they go out for dinner. No one gets dumped over waffles.

So the next time you're twisting yourself into a mental pretzel (also a fun food) trying to convey holiday cheer without potentially ticking off a relative stranger, just give them a big ol' grin and say "Waffles."

Thanks

2009-11-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

It's Thanksgiving Eve, which is as good a time as any to express some gratitude:

*To my family, thanks for always being there for me even when we're far apart

*To my friends, thanks for letting me be myself even when I'm a big, hot mess. You make my bad days godd & my good days better.

*To the creative people behind Glee & The Big Bang Theory: Your shows make me happy & hopeful.

*To anyone who's taken me in over the years...I do appreciate it.

I hope you all have the best Thanksgiving ever. I don't say it enough, but you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Gone But Not Forgotten

2009-10-29T13:32:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of people, places & things that are no longer a part of my life, but I still miss them. Here are just a few...

Jerry Orbach
Giant Christmas catalogs from Sears & JC Penney
Hanging out at Ocean Avenue in Chattanooga after shows at WTCI
DeForest Kelley
Having only three major networks
Johnny Cash
My Grandparents
Post auction parties at WNIN
Watching double MASH with Jim & Steve at MTSU
Mr. Rogers

There are many more. Remember, everything changes, nothing gold can stay. So enjoy what you have while you have it.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2009-10-27T08:43:00.002-04:00

Okay folks, I'm gonna have to go ahead & ask for your patience early. You see, Sunday starts my absolute favorite time of the year. From the first of November through (roughly) 5 pm on Christmas Day, I'm more insufferable than usual because I'm gonna have that holly jolly holiday spirit if it kills me.

I know, I know...November 1st is way too early to start thinking about Christmas. But it's not just Christmas...I love Thanksgiving as well. In fact, most every Thanksgiving has been pretty cool except for 1986, which I like to call "The Great Baloney Thanksgiving." Here's the story...

I was a senior in high school. The girl I'd been dating kinda, sorta dumped me the day before Turkey Day. On Thanksgiving itself, I got called into work early that morning. My parents were leaving after lunch to visit relatives out of town, but my Mother says, "Go on to work, I'll fix you some fried chicken & stuff to eat when you get back." We never were a huge turkey family...anyway, I hustle off to carry golf bags for rich dudes who weren't going to up their tips just because it was a holiday, but I figure I'll have some good grub when I get back.

I get home, parents are packing the car. I innocently wander into the kitchen, expecting to find my Thanksgiving bird all ready. "Funny," I think, "I don't smell anything. What's up with that?" My beloved mother, in her haste to get on the road, forgot to make it. I get an apology, some money for the weekend, and a "Have fun." But no chicken.

So, that was the Thanksgiving that my dumped self ate a baloney sandwich & listened to OMD's "If You Leave" over and over and over again that night.

The weekend improved & I felt somewhat better. I didn't even try and use the guilt angle to improve my Christmas haul, which I thought was very mature of me.

The moral: No moral really...except that a baloney sandwich & pre-emo getting dumped music is a crappy way to spend Thanksgiving.

5 Years At The Worx

2009-10-05T05:41:00.003-04:00

Five years ago this week, Grumpy Santa Richard Gardener either (a) made a good decision or (b) took leave of his senses entirely and asked me to join ComedyWorx.

While I won't go so far as to say that improv saved my life, I will say that being a part of the club has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

So...if I've performed with you, practiced with you, supported a show with you, taken a class or workshop with you, hung out before or after a show....please know that you've blessed me and made me a better improviser and person in big and small ways.

Thank you for your friendship and support.

To quote the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."

Here's to five more years!

Worms, Roxanne, Worms!

2009-10-02T11:20:00.000-04:00

These days, everybody's got an outlet for their opinions. If they're not blogging, they're Twittering and if they're not Twittering, they're Facebooking, letting anyone with a connection to the World Wide Interwebs expound on any number of topics that tickle their fancy (if that's your idea of a good time.)

But there are many things that are difficult to convey in online communication. For instance, there are no emoticons for sarcasm or irony.

For example, if I'm chatting with a friend over coffee and say something like "Sarah Palin would make an excellent President," he would know by my tone of voice & facial expression that I'd rather slide down a bannister made of razor blades into a tub of bactine than see Palin in the White House.

But if I put the same thing on Twitter, I'm going to get hundreds of responses questioning my sanity...as well I should.

It all comes down to tone. There is no tone in a status update. While you may post about being a little blue on a Monday, what people read is that you're 5 seconds away from slitting your wrists.

So be careful. Words have power and you can alarm or anger people without knowing or intending to do so. Just to prove my point, I'll leave you with one more example. I'll type a sentence that, without tone or context, should freak people out. Ready? Here goes:

"Roman Polanski would be an excellent Teen Choice Awards host."

Dirty Bomb

2009-09-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

So, according to the report I saw on the CBS Evening News last night, Al Qaeda has a new weapon in its arsenal.

Not to be indelicate but basically they've taken a page from drug mules and are inserting explosives in, umm, let's call it a very uncomfortable place & detonating them with a cell phone.

How effective this method of mayhem will turn out to be remains to be seen. But it has me worried.

I'm not scared of a crazy man with an exploding butt because if it's my time to go, there's not much I can do about it and at least there'll be an interesting story to tell at the funeral.

What bothers me is how airport security is going to react. I mean, when that doofus tried to ignite his Reeboks, we all had to start taking off our shoes before flying. What in the world are we gonna have to go through if they're looking for an explosive suppository?

All I'm saying is, if some poorly paid haphazardly trained security screener is going to poke around my nooks & crannies, I'd better get more than a crummy bag of peanuts!

Playing Defense

2009-09-21T09:40:00.002-04:00

It seems that it's time for me to once again defend my apathy towards two topics that are near & dear to many people's hearts...sports and reality TV.

The short version is: I don't care about either of these topics. That doesn't mean that I think you're stupid if you like them. If they make you happy, then I'm happy. Please don't jump down my throat if I don't share your enthusiasm. Most likely, I will stare blankly (if politely) during any discussions of who won or lost this weekend or who got voted off.

To be more specific...as far as sports go, I have little to no athletic ability whatsoever. I have no depth perception, which means that any activity that involves things being thrown in the vicinity of my face is no fun at all for me. I practiced football for four miserable years in high school and hated it. When you suffer through consecutive 1-9 seasons and your cheerleaders suggest "Things Can Only Get Better" as a Homecoming theme, it tends to dampen your enthusiasm. Also, since I don't get paid by any college or professional team, no matter what the outcome, I find it hard to have a rooting interest.

As for Reality TV...well, I'm a bit of a snob there, I will admit. I love television but see the reality genre as a way for networks to make cheap, disposable programming that they don't have to pay writers, actors, producers or directors to create. Since my sympathies lie with artists who spend their careers trying to make that one special show that will entertain or move viewers rather than trying to see which washed-up celebrity can dance, I don't have a lot of love for the genre.

Also, I can see people act like jerks to others on a daily basis. I have no desire to spend an hour a week watching strangers behave that way on my TV. My rule is: If I wouldn't want to share an elevator ride with someone, I don't want to share my leisure time with them as well.

So, please, don't be offended if I don't share this passion with you. I'm not saying you're wrong for liking something I don't. I'll respect your right to watch whatever makes you happy if you'll also respect my right to not watch it at all.

The Right Word Is Important

2009-09-10T13:10:00.002-04:00

As a tribute to both the Beatles & my raging immaturity, I give you some of their very best songs with one minor change...see if you can figure out what it is:

A Hard Day's Poop

With A Little Help From My Poop

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Poop

And I Love Poop

Eight Poops A Week

A Poop In The Life

She Loves Poop

I Wanna Hold Your Poop

Poop Together

The Ballad of John and Poop

Somehow, I think the Fab Four would've approved.

Philosophy 101

2009-09-08T05:47:00.002-04:00

I had a friend comment that he enjoyed my musings "Even when I disagree philosophically with them."

Well, thinking that I have a "philosophy" at all is flattering, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time, when I write these entries, I'm cruising on less than 4 hours sleep and jacked up on caffeine. It's a miracle that they're as coherent as they are.

Look, I don't write to try and change anyone's mind about anything...I write to ease my mind about everything. Any big ideas I have about politics or society can be boiled down to three basic thoughts:

(1) Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
(2) Love thy neighbor as you love yourself
(3) Whatever you do for the least of these, you do also for Me

Everything else is just me trying to be amusing (which means making myself laugh & hoping some of you find it funny too) or spouting off about complex topics that I have nowhere near the expertise to have an informed opinion about.

I suppose people reading my ramblings are enjoying them. I enjoy writing them. But please, don't think that I'm deluded enough to believe that I'm making a grand contribution to society by espousing my love of bad movies and good TV. I'm just taking a few minutes every few days to hopefully entertain you.

Have a great day!

I Got Nothin

2009-09-01T07:49:00.004-04:00

So, been awhile since my last post because, quite honestly, I haven't really had anything new to say. "But that's never stopped you before!" I hear you say (and thanks so much for that, by the way.) It is true...usually I'll blather on about nothing just for kicks and giggles...like a Seinfeld episode without all the funny.

But everything I've thought of in the past few weeks fall into one of two categories: Stuff That's Derivative And Labored Even To Me and Manic Depressive Whining That's So Annoying That I Don't Even Want To Hear It.

So, for the literally single digits of you who haven't really been clamoring for it...I will return to semi-regular posting. Probably. When I think I've got something interesting to say.

Until then...enjoy the rare sounds of silence from me.

Career Opportunities

2009-08-06T12:25:00.002-04:00

I guess I could be safely classified as a "mid-career professional," which roughly translates to "Watch it buddy...we could get two 20-year old part timers to do your job." So, in that spirit, I've been looking into some potential new career opportunities should one become necessary. After much painstaking research, I think I've found the perfect new direction for me:

Cult Leader. Specifically, a cult leader for rich people.

It's a growth industry. With so many people freaking out about the economy, rogue nuclear weapons, the collapsing environment and disappearing birth certificates, the time has never been better for a charismatic leader (i.e., me) to gather the affluent members of this fractured society and lead them to a place where they can feel safe...I'm thinking Palm Springs or Hawaii.

I won't even have to come up with some sort of catch slogan. Just something like, "Hey...those people who freak you out? They freak me out too. Give me all your money & I'll keep them away from you." Pretty catchy, no? And the best part is, since I'm a cult leader, the fact that I'm actually on the side of the people who freak the members of my cult out isn't an ethical problem. Cult leaders are expected to be liars.

Now, there are a few downsides. The possibility of armed incursion by the government being one of them. I plan to solve this problem by making free cable my only demand of the government. No weapons stockpile, no hostages and no funny business with kids. Just give us free cable & we're all set.

And, since rich people aren't crazy (they're called "eccentric" at their median income level) as long as they have their stories and I base the compound next to a golf course, there should be a minimal chance of me being overthrown in a violent, ideological coup.

So, that's the plan. What I need now is investors and a scary name. So, if you're net worth is between six and nine figures, you have an irrational hatred of anyone different from you and you want a place to call your own, just send me a check and I'll get back to you with the details of where to send your luggage. As for a scary name...man, it's a shame that "Republicans" is already taken.

If this works, I may have franchise opportunities for sale soon.

Opinons Are Like, Well, You Know

2009-07-29T12:43:00.002-04:00

It seems like every few weeks, a thought will cross my mind and, with the ease of all the social networking options available on the interwebs, I will feel the need to share it. Usually, the gist of the thought is, "Somethingorother sucks." Not exactly eloquent prose, but what are you gonna do?

So, I share this brain nugget and, invariably, people who didn't do well on the "Reading For Comprehension" portion of the SAT will jump down my throat. Somehow, they think because I said something they liked sucks that automatically means that I think they suck for liking it...and then, usually, they want to convince me that I was mistaken and said sucky thing does not actually suck.

Here's the bottom line...there is stuff that I think sucks. Chances are, if I think it sucks, I've given it more than ample opportunity to prove that it indeed does not suck. Case in point: Styx and/or Dennis DeYoung.

When I was in high school (from 1984 thru 1987) and Styx was popular, I thought they sucked. During the years, when they were relegated to the oldies station, I still thought they sucked. When the band reformed with different members at different times and started touring small clubs and state fairs, I thought they sucked. And now, during the 21st century when they fill amphitheatres every summer touring with two or three other washed up 80's bands, I still think they suck. Basiclally, Styx has never broken through my Glass Ceiling of Suckitude.

Does that mean that I think their millions of fans suck because they enjoy Styx? Of course not...it's a big world and a free country. If you want to have "Mr. Roboto" as your ringtone and styx.com as your home page, more power to you.

Look, I know the internet tubes are no place for subtle commentary and it's really hard to discern tone in written form without emoticons. But I promise you, if there's a band or tv show or movie that you adore and I think sucks, it doesn't mean that I think you suck as a human being for liking it.

So lighten up Francis!

The Rules

2009-07-21T11:57:00.003-04:00

We all have our own set of rules, precepts or codes that we live our lives by...bits of black & white in a shades of gray world. Here are some of mine.

#4 Do not talk to me in a public restroom. We can socialize all you want after I'm done with my business.

#4a If said restroom business involves one of us in a stall with the door closed, the rule may be amended to allow one and only one line of conversation: "Is there any toilet paper out there?"

#27 If we disagree on matters of theology or religion, you're not going to change my mind and I'm not going to change yours. Let's just agree to go get ice cream & avoid hours of pointless bickering.

#54 I have reached an age where I don't have the patience or inclination to even muster polite, socially acceptable interest in topics I could care less about. So, if you're talking to me about sports, the bored look on my face isn't going to change anytime soon.

#75 If you are a band that has (a) enough hits for a "Greatest Hits" album & (b) I have paid more than $25 per ticket to see you...play your friggin' hits. Unless I have to go to the bathroom, I have no desire to hear cuts off your new album. Exception: Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band.

#82 If you state an opinion about any topic with arrogance and/or ignorance, I will mock you (Also known as "The D-Bag Rule.")

# 97 Wrestling fans posting on internet message boards: It's spelled "feud," not "fued." Don't ignore the spell check line

#145 Improv and stand-up are two vastly different things. Please learn the difference.

#245 Don't tell me I remind you of someone's dad unless you want to run the risk of getting kicked in the shins

#467 If I am sober enough to drive home, I am too sober to dance in public

Truth In Advertising

2009-07-18T16:59:00.000-04:00

As I write (type?)this, I'm wearing my "White And Nerdy" shirt that I got at a Weird Al Yankovic concert. There's no irony involved: Iam indeed white and am most definitely nerdy, so I consider it to be truth in advertising.

Which got me to thinking...why hasn't anyone come up with a t-shirt that automatically displays the personal characteristics of the wearer?

Think of how much time it would save and the conflicts it would prevent.

*When approaching women, guys could read the shirt that said "Dude, You Have No Shot" and avoid awkwardness and rejection.

*Women on blind dates could see "I Have Intimacy Issues And Watch ESPN All Day" and bail before the appetizer.

*Job interviews could be streamlined with the prospective employee reading "We're Going To Work You To Death For No Money" and interviewers seeing "I'm A Lazy Weasel Who Steals Office Supplies."

There are thousands of applications and the technolgy has to exist.

I may have come up with the way to world peace. You're welcome.

Thoughts On A Tragedy

2009-07-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

There's going to be millions and millions of words & commentary about the death of Steve McNair. I just have a couple that I want to add.

*If you're somewhere where you shouldn't ought to be with someone you shouldn't ought to be with, bad things can and will happen.

*From all accounts, McNair's "friend" bought a gun two days before the murder. I wonder if she had had to wait longer, had more time to calm down or reach out to friends or family for counselling or help that maybe things would have ended differently.

My thoughts & prayers are with the families and friends of the deceased.

Spoiler Warning!

2009-07-08T07:01:00.002-04:00

Don't you hate people who give away the ending? With that said...SPOILER WARNING

Citizen Kane: Rosebud was his sled

The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis was a ghost

Ghost: Patrick Swayze was a ghost

Gone With The Wind: Rhett Butler frankly didn't give a damn

The Crying Game: She was a He

Tootsie: She was a He

Victor/Victoria: He was a She

Godfather II: It was you, Fredo

The Empire Strikes Back: The Empire strikes back

Rocky: He loses

Rocky II: He wins

Rocky III: Mickey dies

Rockey IV: Apollo dies

The Alamo: Everybody dies

Dirty Dancing: Baby gets out of the corner

Soylent Green: It's people

Stand and Deliver: Kids take a math test...twice

Titanic: The boat sinks

The Outsiders: Ponyboy stays gold

Oceans 11: They get away with it

Oceans 12: They get away with it in France

Oceans 13: They get away with making Oceans 11 all over again

Raging Bull: Jake LaMotta was not a very nice man

Alien: There's an alien

Aliens: There's a bunch of aliens

Transformers: They're robots...in disguise!

Movies I Want To Make: Superman Forever

2009-07-06T12:36:00.004-04:00

Superman has had a checkered history on the big screen. There have been two great movies (the original "Superman" and "Superman II"), two horrible movies ("Superman III: We Got Richard Pryor" and "Superman IV: A Steaming Pile Of Crap") and one interesting failure ("Superman Returns" with a great performance by Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.) Since (a) Superman is my favorite comic book character and (b) I can bend time & space with my blog, I'm going to put on my fantasy producing hat & make the ultimate Superman movie.

SUPERMAN FOREVER
Executive Producer: Me
Produced by Steven Spielberg
Directed by JJ Abrams
Written by Michael Chabon and David S. Goyer

Starring
Brendan Fraser as Superman/Clark Kent
Kate Walsh as Lois Lane
Michael Douglas as Lex Luthor
Jude Law as General Zod
Dean Stockwell as Perry White

Synopsis:
Superman has made Metropolis the safest city in America. Under his watch, crime is virtually non-existent and he is beloved by everyone. Everyone but billionaire industrialist Lex Luthor. In his quest to undermine the Man of Steel, Luthor has sent an expedition to the arctic that has returned with an ancient Kryptonian relic that unleashes an unstoppable force on the city: Doomsday!

As the creature wreaks havoc, Superman tries to stop the beast, but is soundly defeated. All hope seems lost when, out of nowhere, Doomsday is stopped by another super-powered hero...the legendary Kryptonian military hero General Zod. While recuperating from his wounds in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman sees Zod take his place as Metropolis' new savior.

When Zod & Luthor release the remaining prisoners of the Phantom Zone to rule not only over Metropolis but the entire world, Superman returns to fight an epic battle to save the world.

The End...cue tons and tons of money on opening weekend.

Convention Season

2009-06-23T07:27:00.002-04:00

It may surprise you to know that, in spite of my well-documented love of most things nerdy, I haven't really been to that many conventions. As a matter of fact, I've been to exactly three. Each one was unique in it's own way.

Last year, I went to the Heroes Con in Charlotte. Since I was just there for one day, I didn't get to attend any panels, but I did get my Absolute Edition of "The New Frontier" signed by writer/artist Darwyn Cooke which was the whole reason I made the drive in the first place.

The summer of 2000, I went to the Gateway Convention in St. Louis. This had to be my favorite. The crowd was big enough to make it fun and I got to meet & hang out with people like writer Terry Pratchett, Erin Gray from "Buck Rogers", and Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and Mary Jo Pehl from "Mystery Science Theater 3000." I also got to (a) try and have a conversation with "Babylon 5" star Claudia Christian while simultaeneously trying not to stare at her Playboy pictures she had for sale at her table and (b) watch a guy in chainmail armor get comforted by his girlfriend as he freaked out while donating blood. Not his finest moment.

I went to one Star Trek convention. The guest of honor was John DeLancie, best known as "Q" but also as Eugene from "Days Of Our Lives." He was great and the crowd wasn't too embarassing...or so I thought. Immediately after he spoke, there was an announcement that the costume contest was about to begin. While debating whether to stay or not, the decsision was made for us as we watched a doting mother begin to but black makeup on her white child to complete his Geordi LaForge costume. Needless to say, that was a train wreck we didn't need to see.

Elvis Has Left The Building

2009-06-18T14:13:00.002-04:00

It's been said that most people can be divided into two camps: They're either Elvis people or Beatles people. While I respect & enjoy the work done by Mr. Lennon & Mr. McCartney (and to a lesser extent, Mr. Harrison and to a much, much lesser extent Mr. Starr), I am an Elvis person.

Understand, I was only 8 years old when he died, so when I say "I'm an Elvis person," I mean that I enjoy his music. He didn't have the huge impact on me he had on people of my parent's generation. As a matter of fact, my favorite song at the time Elvis passed away was "The Streak" by Ray Stevens. And the one time I did go to Graceland, I was happier about getting my "I Shot JR" shirt than seeing the home of the King of Rock and Roll.

ANYWAY...I have, over the years, developed a theory that if Elvis had made one small life decision differently, he would still be alive today. No, the decision has nothing to do with drugs...it has everything to do with Ann Margret.

Take a trip into the past with me to 1964...Elvis is making "Viva Las Vegas", one of his very few watchable motion pictures. His co-star is the lovely, the talented, the pneumatic Swedish redhead Ann Margret. According to legend, she and Elvis had a fling while filming. Obviously, nothing came of it since Elvis would eventually marry future Naked Gun & Dallas star, Priscilla Beaulieu and father future Scientologist nutjob Lisa Marie and Ann Margret would wed Roger Smith and drink away most of the 1970s.

But, if Elvis had decided to stick with Ann Margret, his entire life would have changed. Step away from this blog for a second & Google some images of Ann Margret. It's OK...I'll wait.

Dum de dum dooby dum...

Found 'em? Elvis would still be alive today because no man with even 10% working brain capacity would choose drugs over Ann Margret in the late 60s/early 70s. It's just not possible. Ann Margret would've fired Col. Parker, told Elvis to get over his mother and hauled him to LA where they would've spent many happy years together making a hunka hunka burning love.

Elvis did not choose wisely.

The True King of Late Night

2009-06-10T07:46:00.002-04:00

You can have Conan...you can have Letterman...you can take Fallon & Kimmel and drop them off at Target (where, if there were any justice in the world, is where they'd be working full-time in the first place.) For my money, there's only One True King of Late Night. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you Craig Ferguson.

"The British guy from the Drew Carey Show?" I hear you ask. First of all, he's Scottish, not British. Second of all...he's brilliant. Hiding at 12:30 on CBS with no band, no real A-list guests and no sidekick, Craig does what Letterman used to do and what Conan works so very hard to do...puts on a consistently funny show and looks like he's having a ball doing it.

Tune in any night & you might see him doing one of the worst Larry King impressions ever or the continuing "adventures" of Aquaman or opening the show with a musical number complete with puppets singing the chorus or Craig raffling off a crew member for some spackle to fix a leaky ceiling in his studio.

"The Late, Late Show" isn't polished television. Green Day isn't going to be dropping by to sing their new hit single and President Obama certainly won't be dropping by. But none of that matters...watching the show is like hanging out with one of your funniest friends. You talk about nothing important, but you laugh a whole lot and want to do it again as soon as possible.

Craig Ferguson is the True King of Late Night. The sooner everyone accepts that, it'll be a great day for America.

Reading Is Fundamental

2009-06-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

It makes me sad when I hear people proudly say, "I don't read." To me, they might as well be saying, "I don't breathe."

Books have always been a huge part of my life...and not just because it's one of the only activities you can do by yourself in public without getting arrested or on You Tube or both.

So, just a brief "Thanks" to all the writers of fiction, non-fiction and comics who've made my life better...and check 'em out:

Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Harper Lee, Harlan Ellison, David McCullough, Stephen Ambrose, Jasper Fforde, Peter David, Geoff Johns, Warren Ellis, Mark Millar, Mario Puzo, Bill Mauldin, Brad Meltzer, Jack Kirby, Gail Simone...and many, many more.

One, Please

2009-06-03T07:11:00.002-04:00

When I was in high school, I was a little different. For those of you who knew me then (and know me now, for that matter) this will come as no shock. I didn't drink or party and I never had a steady girlfriend. But that's not what really set me apart. What made me seem so odd to some people was my willingness to got to the movies by myself.

I'd always loved going to the movies. It was something special to me. When I turned 16 and realized that I didn't need to rely on my parents to drop me off or pick me up and could go to the theater any time I wanted to, I was happy as a pig in mud. As a result, there were numerous classic movies from the 80's that I saw by myself. I had people I could go with, I just never needed other people to enjoy going to the movies. In fact, some of the crappiest movies I ever saw I saw because everyone else wanted to see them (Caveman and Missing In Action are two that come immediately to mind.) For some reason, my friends thought this was weird. I thought it made my life easier, plus I had the added bonus of being able to recommend good movies to my pals.

So, just for kicks and giggles, here's a list of some of the great (and admittedly not-so-great) movies that I saw flying solo:

Ghostbusters
Fletch
Back to the Future
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Die Hard
Silverado
The Karate Kid
Midnight Run
The Great Outdoors
St. Elmo's Fire
The Breakfast Club
Hoosiers
Star Trek III

Nothing Much

2009-05-27T04:24:00.002-04:00

So, I don't really have anything on my mind. Well, that's not entirely true...I've got about 7 million things on my mind, but none of them are particularly interesting or funny or really worth writing about. So, I thought I'd take the time to fire off a few things that are on my mind, but don't really warrant a full blog. Please to enjoy:

*My loathing of Duran Duran knows no bounds. Hated them when they were popular in the 80s, hated them when a couple of them were in that band with Robert Palmer, hated them when they sang the sucky theme song to the sucky Bond movie "A View To A Kill", hated them when they vanished and still hate them today.

*NBC has completely destroyed prime time by giving up 5 hours a week to Jay Leno. The show will get decent enough ratings, run as long as Leno wants to do it and eliminate having to take the time to develop & nurture new & groundbreaking shows. If NBC had pulled this stunt in the past, there would have been no Hill Street Blues, no St. Elsewhere, no LA Law, no ER, no Law & Order, just to name a few shows that started at 10pm.

*Glee is a fresh, interesting take on the high school drama & not a remake of an average-to-tolerable show from the 90s (I'm looking at you, CW's 90210 & Melrose Place)...therefore it will be gone by Christmas. Pre-order your "Glee:The Complete Series" now & avoid the rush.

*FX should just rebrand itself "The Scumbag Network." I wouldn't want to share an elevator for 5 minutes with the main characters from "The Shield", "Rescue Me", "Nip/Tuck" or "Damages", much less an hour a week.

*American Idol (or as I like to call it "The 100 Years War") is over & I was really surprised that the lead singer from Green Day didn't win. And by surprised, I mean totally indifferent.

*I'm probably more into social networking (Twitter, Facebook) than is really necessary, but where most people spend their work day surrounded by co-workers, I spend mine sitting in an edit bay by myself...so checking in on my friends & acquaintances keeps me from feeling totally invisible.

*Convoy is the greatest protest song about sticking it to the establishment ever written. Haven't we all wanted to crash the gate doing 98 & let them truckers roll, 10-4 at one time or another?

Bondage...One Sentence Bond Synopses

2009-05-19T08:09:00.005-04:00

Having gone on a mini-James Bond splurge this month (thanks to TCM choosing Original Bond Sean Connery as it's "Star of the Month"), I've created a handy dandy one sentence reference guide to help keep the 20+ film franchise's many installments straight...please to enjoy!

Doctor No...The First One
From Russia With Love...The One With The Dude From Jaws
Goldfinger...The One With Pussy Galore
Thunderball...The Underwater One
You Only Live Twice...The Japanese One
On Her Majesty's Secret Service...The One With The Other Guy As Bond
Diamonds Are Forever...The One About Diamonds
Live And Let Die...The Voodoo One
The Man With The Golden Gun...The One With The Man With The Golden Gun & Tattoo From "Fantasy Island"
The Spy Who Loved Me...The One With The Underwater Car
Moonraker...The One In Space
For Your Eyes Only...The One With The Mountain Climbing
Octopussy...The One With Octopussy
A View To A Kill...The Crappy Roger Moore One With Grace Jones
The Living Daylights...The One With That Other, Other Guy As Bond
License To Kill...The Other One With That Other, Other Guy As Bond
Goldeneye...The One With Remington Steele
Tomorrow Never Dies...The One With The Kung Fu Chick
The World Is Not Enough...The One With Denise Richards As A Nuclear Scientist
Die Another Day...The One Nobody Really Remembers
Casino Royale...The One With The Blond Guy As Bond
Quantum Of Solace...The One With The Weird Name

So, the next time you & your friends are trying to remember which Bond film was which, just whip out this guide and settle that argument once and for all!

Service Industry

2009-05-08T12:25:00.000-04:00

Why do all mechanics, repairmen and service technicians look at me like I'm a moron when it comes to mechanical things? Probably because I'm a moron when it comes to mechanical things.

I'm serious...somewhere along the line, I dropped the male gene for "fixing stuff." Don't know when it happened, probably about the same time I realized that TV was awesome (This was back in the day when TV was awesome. BJ & the Bear, The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, Buck Rogers...you know, the classics.)

At any rate, I have no aptitude whatsoever as a handyman/Mr. Fixit. The rule is "Measure twice, cut once." Yeah, for me it's "Measure three or four times, cut five or six times cause I measured wrong, cut again, go to the emergency room to reattach finger."

Mechanics also love to see me coming. They ask what's wrong. I tell them, "It doesn't go. The goer's broke. Fix the goer so it'll go." They start pricing boats.

I wish I could say that I was ashamed about this...but I'm not. I figure I'm stimulating the economy by keeping the service industry gainfully employed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change a lightbulb & need to locate my living will and first aid kit.

The Boss

2009-05-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

In honor of getting to see my favorite artist tonight in Greensoboro, I wanted to share my Springsteen stories.

*1991-Atlanta. The concert was to be held during the weekend of my first wedding anniversary. So, the morning tickets went on sale, Sainted Wife & I drove down to Dalton, GA to see if we could get seats. It was a lottery system, where you draw a number & then the record store would get on the phone with Ticketmaster and you'd get what you could get. I drew my envelope...#14. Sainted Wife drew one as well...#2. We wound up with 9th row seats to the Human Touch/Lucky Town tour. I happily skipped my 5 year high school reunion for this show.

*2003-Chapel Hill. I'd snagged great seats...13 rows back at UNC's football stadium. The concert was held one week after Johnny Cash had passed away. Next to Bruce, Cash was the man. I'd grown up listening to his music & even had the good fortune to see him in concert once. So his death, while not a surprise, hit me pretty hard. Night of the show, Bruce walks onstage alone and as the E Street Band files silently on behind him, opens up with an acapella version of Ring of Fire. I was blown away. It's one of those concert moments you read about, but never think you'll get to be a part of. Then Bruce & the Band blew the doors off the place for 3 1/2 hours.

So I'm insanely excited about tonight. I don't care that my seats are in an upper section. I don't care what he plays. I just want the chance to see the Boss one more time.

Like he says, "It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive."

Shovel Ready

2009-04-29T13:22:00.002-04:00

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the state of my career. And I've come to the conclusion that it is indeed "shovel ready"...by which I mean it's pretty much in a hole six feet deep & ready for someone to shovel the dirt in on top of it.

This isn't an "Oh woe is me, I have it sooooo bad" kind of post. I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm not asking anyone else to either. It's just a cold, logical statement of fact. The good news is, I have a job that I enjoy doing and where I feel appreciated for my efforts. I'm luckier than a lot of people.

The bad news is have zero room for upward mobility. The only way I could possibly get promoted is if my boss left (and even then, the state would probably just do away with the position rather than filling it.) Also, I love my boss & don't want him to leave just so I might get his job and, having seen his job, don't know that I would want it.

In addition, I have had less than zero luck in applying at other TV stations in this market. When you have over 15 years experience and several awards for your work, this can be more than a little annoying. Logically I know that the primary reasons are as follows: I have no full time experience in news promotions (which doesn't mean I can't do it, just that I don't currently), I'm overqualified for the positions I do have the experience for and most stations would find it easier to hire a couple of 22 year old kids at half the salary to do the job.

So, if the state ever decided that my job was unnecessary, I'm pretty sure it would be time for me to find a new vocation. I don't really want to do that. I love working in TV. It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do and I think I'm pretty good at it. But I may not be the one making the final choice in the matter.

Since I love being in Raleigh, this leaves me at a crossroads of sorts. I will send out resumes for jobs that I want (but for some crazy reason don't want me) and I will hold out hope that I can keep the job I have a little while longer....say, another 13 years or so.

Just in case, I'm going out & buying myself a shovel.

An Improvisers Prayer

2009-04-24T14:17:00.000-04:00

This is my non-denomenational, ecuminical, all-purpose, all-inclusive improvisers prayer. Non-religious improvisers, please feel free to substitute "Del" for "Lord" where applicable

Dear Lord...
I am about to take the stage.
I am about to make stuff up again.
Please keep my mind sharp.
Please help me remember that the best response is always "Yes and..."
Please help me remember that in the crowd, among the comps, family members, house staff and other improvisers, are a few actual paying customers who've never seen improv before. Help me give them the best show I can.
Please remind me that it's not all about me.
Make my edits timely and keep me from hanging my teammates out to dry.
Should I attempt to steal something from last night's "Office" or last week's "Saturday Night Live," smite me in a way I've never been smote before.
Remind me my fingers are neither a gun nor a phone, but merely pointing appendages.
Help me find a new way of incorporating suggestions like "Jello" or "Elephant" and keep me from flipping off the drunk in the second row who screamed them out.
Remind me a little dirty can be funny and a lot dirty can be creepy and what the difference is between the two.
Make my puns plentiful & painful...indifference from the audience being the valley of the shadow of death.
And finally, no matter how much I want to, stay my hand from killing my scene partner.
Bless my teammates...even when we get on each others nerves.
May we bring laughter & joy & may you bring us all to Improv Heaven one day...Chicago, here we come.
In the name of the True Story, the Harold & the Holy Close...
Amen

Musical Epiphany

2009-04-22T11:53:00.002-04:00

A few years ago, I found myself at an Iron Maiden concert in St. Louis (Why? Because I'm a good husband, that's why.) Right after having some moron thrown out for using a laser pointer, surly frontman Bruce Dickinson introduced the band. "We're Iron Maiden," he snarled, "We're all about the music. We don't care about dating supermodels." The first thought that ran through my head was: "Then what's the point of being in a rock band in the first place?"

I'm not a musician or really musically inclined in any way. I suppose, if I played an instrument, I would have passion & desire to have my songs heard. But even if you're only marginally talented, you could find a local venue with an open mike night and sing to your heart's content. If you're going to go through all of the stress, work, dedication and potential disaster to take a band to the next level, why would you eliminate the possibility of dating supermodels? I would think having a supermodel even know I existed, much less want to spend time with me would motivate me to become the next big thing.

Even being an ugly rock star doesn't hurt your chances with women. Look at the number of musicians who, quite frankly could scare a vulture off a meat wagon, that have hooked up with women way out of their league: Ric Ocasek & Paulina Porizkova, Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley, Joe Cocker & anyone.

The main reason men do anything at all is to meet women. If you took a survey, 99% of men would say this is true and the remaining 1% would be lying through their teeth. So, yes, Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson, I suppose you're all about the music. I also suspect this is why you're music is so bloody annoying. Say what you will about Poison or Warrant...their songs may not be art, but they sure had a lot more fun.

Pitching

2009-04-21T12:08:00.002-04:00

From time to time, inspiration hits me & I come up with genius level ideas for surefire hit TV shows...and I thought I'd share a few of them with you!

First up, a reimagining of a television classic. America's favorite scary family has left 1313 Mockingbird Lane, moved to Wisconsin and opened a gourmet cheese shop. That's right...it's Herman, Lily, Grandpa and Eddie in a comedy not for the lactose intolerant. It's The Muensters!

Next...He's a cop on the edge, she's a single mother trying to make her way in the world, he's a bionic labradoodle on the run from the government, they're trying to find their way in the world after high school and he's a wacky immigrant working as a janitor in a school full of geniuses. Don't Miss...CopMomRobodogDimitri Lake.

You loved him in "Footloose," recognized him in "A Few Good Men," and saw waaaaay too much of him in "Wild Things." Now America's favorite reasonably famous actor brings a whole new dimension to game shows. Each week, a panel will try and pick out Kyra Segwick's husband from a lineup of contestants who are pantsless. Be sure to catch the excitement on "That's Not Bacon!"

Three men of the cloth from different backgrounds team up to spread the word & run a small town tavern on the hilarious new sitcom "A Minister, A Priest & A Rabbi."

As you can tell, I am the next Aaron Spelling. All I need is the big TV money to come through & I'll be sitting pretty!

The Name Game

2009-04-15T12:09:00.002-04:00

A brief word to my fellow genre geeks out there who are considering becoming parents. I produce the Kids Club Birthday spots that air on UNC-TV & UNC-KD. Every week, I witness the horrors perpetrated on innocent children by "creative" parents. Names that appear to be spelled phonetically...Names that have all 5 vowels in them for no reason whatsoever...names that have extraeneous consonants...and I have remained silent. "Not my kid, not my problem," has been my motto. But this time it's gone too far and I must speak out.

Some parent out there felt the need, the desire, the motivation to look down at the innocent face of their (presumably) first-born child, a child who has their entire lives before them, a child who has hurt no one, these parents looked at this baby and decided to name this child "Darth."

Geek parents, listen carefully, I'm only going to say this once...You Name. Your Pets After. Characters From. Science Fiction. Films... NOT YOUR KIDS!

Sending your child into the world with a name like "Darth" or "Anakin" or "Strider" isn't doing him any favors. At best, you're adding another level of stress to what's already going to be a difficult adolescence (and every adolescence is difficult. If it wasn't for you, you wouldn't be naming a kid "Frodo" or "Samwise.")

I know these characters mean something special to you. I have the same love for fantasy & sci-fi that you do. I just think that anything that could make a kid's life more difficult should be avoided.

To quote one of my heroes, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr., "We named the dog Indiana."

Keeping The Faith

2009-04-12T08:41:00.000-04:00

I spend a lot of time on the Facebook & the Twitter. As it's gotten closer to Easter, I've noticed an interesting trend that, quite frankly, kinda bums me out.

I understand that not everyone shares my faith. That's fine...religion (or having no religion) is a personal choice and one that comes after long periods of soul-searching. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you respect me & my choice, I'll respect you & yours.

But what's troubling is that it seems like it's OK to be disrespectful & rude to people of faith & mock everything associated with it.

I know that in many cases, Christians have behaved badly to people who don't believe. We've brought some of the anger on ourselves by not living up to what we've been taught.

But Christians, like all large groups, are made up of individuals. Many of whom would never think of verbally abusing others or hating people they've never met. It makes me sad to see all of us painted with the same brush just because a few act like jerks.

Of course, the easy answer is, "Stop acting like jerks.". But when dealing with people, there are no easy answers.

Despite what some say, Christians aren't perfect. We struggle every day to reconcile our faith with a world that doesn't want to know about it.

If you don't believe what I believe & I mock you for it, then you have every right to think I'm an intolerant jackass. But somehow it's OK for you to mock what I believe & I'm "too sensitive" if I take it personally? Is a little mutual respect too much to ask?

Gym Rat

2009-04-07T06:51:00.002-04:00

Almost a year ago, I joined a gym. I enjoy it, but it has led to some...interesting observations.

*Women have coordinated workout outfits. The shorts or pants & shirt match. They're put together. Men grab whatever their wives haven't thrown out or hasn't fallen apart yet. Lots of bandannas, big baggy shorts and "Where's The Beef" T-Shirts.

*Anytime before noon is senior citizen time. Treadmills that barely move, lots of khaki pants, plaid shirts & black socks (little old men dress up to work out like they're going to Golden Corral for dinner), and lots and lots of standing around.

*Why are the guys who primarily lift weights so ticked off? I mean, it's obvious they're strong and muscular and if I were strong and muscular, I'd be in a pretty good mood. Not these guys. They look like they're going in for their annual prostate exam.

*If you haven't been inside a locker room since high school, you aren't missing anything. They all vaguely smell of disinfectant, sweat and desperation.

*Speaking of locker rooms...stop walking around naked old guys. Seriously, just because you won World War II and kept Communists from taking over America doesn't mean you get to parade around in the buff.

*Nothing motivates me to work out harder than having every TV tuned to either CNN, Fox News or Fast Money. I'll kick the treadmill up to 20 just to get away faster.

*There's always that one lady who, either because of her looks, workout attire or attitude that you suspect is actually a stripper.

Sparkles Over Peace Street

2009-04-04T14:44:00.000-04:00

So, tonight is the Season 2 finale of Super Sparkle Showcase. It's been a gas from the start & I expect it to finish even stronger than it began. I wanted to take this opportunity to give a few shout outs.

To the contestants & their partners in Sparkle: I am so proud of all of you & what you've accomplished. Each week you accepted the challenge to take a simple suggestion & make it so much more. Each one of you have blown me away in one way or another during the past 6 weeks. You're all winners in my book.

To my co-judges: It's been so much fun getting to play with and off of you. You've made my good weeks fun, my bad weeks better & the whole run some of the most fun I've had in the past 5 years. So many thanks, so little time.

To Jason: Thanks for bringing this one-of-a-kind show to ComedyWorx & thanks for letting me be a part of it. You, sir, are the wind beneath my improv wings & never once told me to put on a frigging shirt.

So, once more into the breach...let's get ready to Sparkle!!!

Free Speech

2009-04-02T12:24:00.002-04:00

There seems to be some sort of disconnect these days concerning the privilege of free speech. Specifically, the idea that just because you can say whatever you want should you say whatever you want?

I believe that everyone has the right to have his or her own opinion about any topic that strikes their fancy. I've been known to have opinions as well & to voice them whenever it seemed necessary. However, if you insist that I respect your right to have an opinion then I must insist that you respect my right to think you're a jag-off for the way you express that opinion.

Let's take any topic that could be considered controversial (gay marriage, abortion, religion, politics, Joel vs. Mike on MST3K.) Now, for our example, let's replace the hot button topic with the word "cookies." Here's how it's gonna go down:

If you say that you are not in favor of cookies, but I am, then I'm going to chalk it up to a difference of opinion. Live & let live, no harm, no foul.

If you say that cookies are what's wrong with the world today, I'll probably try and engage you in a discussion on the pros vs. cons of cookies and their effects on society. As long as we're having a (reasonably) adult and (somewhat) mature debate, once again: Live & let live, no harm, no foul.

But if you go around saying things like, "Cookies are evil. Anyone who likes cookies should be beaten within an inch of their lives. Cookies are for ignorant, weak willed morons and I will mock anyone who has ever or will ever support or endorse cookies because I am superior to them. Their opinions don't count. If they had any brains, they would listen to me...I like crackers!!" Then, I'm not going to try and discuss our inherent differences even though I might see the merits of crackers.

What I'm going to do is think you're a jag-off who isn't really so in love with crackers as he is with the sound of his own voice. And if you decide to slam cookie lovers on the internet (the national headquarters of hit & run opinions), then you've moved up from jag-off to d-bag pretty quickly.

I know there are people who live their lives with 100% honesty & refuse to sugarcoat their opinions. But the people I know who are like that will deal with others one-on-one when they have a differing viewpoint. They won't throw a verbal hand grenade & hide behind the "I'm entitled to my opinion" defense.

Sure, you can spout off any opinion you like...it's a free country. But don't be surprised when not everyone agrees with you.

Career Opportunity

2009-03-31T06:29:00.004-04:00

Are you worried about job security? Of course, we all are! But don't fret...I'm here to tell you about the #1 growth industry for the 21st Century. That's right...you too can become a Cult Leader.

"But Chris," I hear you ask, "isn't leading a cult time consuming & complicated?" Not at all. If you have a few unemployed friends, easily manipulated family members and a cool pair of sunglasses, you too can have an exciting new career that's recession proof and profitable.

With all the strife and unrest all over the world, there's never been a better time to start a cult. If you convince one person that the world is going to end and they should join you in your secluded compound deep in the mountains, and they convince two people & those two people convince two other people in no time at all you'll have more followers than you can shake a stick at (if that's your idea of a good time.)

Want to spend more time with your family? Nothing brings a family closer together like a standoff with the Feds. Teach the kids about firearms safety while shooting it out with ATF agents. And Mom can hone her chemistry skills, cooking up another batch of crystal meth to sell to finance your whole operation.

So act now...just head on out to you local Army/Navy surplus store & pick up your very own Cult Leader starter kit. Just remember to pay with cash so the secret cabal of Shriners and Rotarians who run the shadow government & are in cahoots with Ecuador and the Grand Galactic Leader from Zargon IV to take over the world & implant mood-altering chips in your head can't find you.

Monsters vs. Aliens...My Review

2009-03-25T09:29:00.002-04:00

So, I got to go to a preview screening of "Monsters vs. Aliens" last night. I've been seeing the trailers for the past few weeks, thought it looked funny & was very excited to see it. Unfortunately, this is one of those movies where the individual parts are better than the whole.

The film takes way too long setting up it's premise & introducing the characters. Once Susan (the 49 1/2 foot tall woman, voiced by Reese Witherspoon) is locked up with the other monsters, it's explained to her by General W. R. Monger (Keifer Sutherland) that the government has been capturing and containing monsters for 50 years. Ten minutes later, when the earth is invaded by a probe from space, General Monger explains to the President (Stephen Colbert in a glorified cameo) that the government has been capturing and containing monsters for 50 years. You know, just in case anyone in the audience was suffering from that "Memento" short-term memory loss thing & forgot the speech they just heard.

The kids in the audience (at least the ones last night) aren't going to care about Susan's relationship woes with obnoxious fiancee Derek (Paul Rudd at his smarmiest). I know I didn't care about them. And with all the strong, empowered female characters available today, having a heroine who spends half the movie crying about how awful it is being different sends a troubling message. Yes, Susan does learn to accept & overcome, but it takes far too long for anyone to care.

Worse, the interesting supporting monsters, Dr. Cockroach, Bob & The Missing Link wind up basically becoming a Greek chorus/cheering section for Susan. They never get a chance to become truly rounded characters, outside of a few moments of glory. Which is a shame, because they're a lot of fun and wickedly voiced by Hugh Laurie, Seth Rogen and Will Arnett.

I know, I know, "It's a kid's movie. You're being too hard on it." I don't think I am. Kid's movies today (especially one with so many homages to classic science fiction films of the past 50 years) have gotten so much smarter and strive to be so much more, that "Monsters vs. Aliens" feels like a missed opportunity. Which is a shame, since I think it wanted to be so much more than it turned out to be.

Some Way Out Of Here

2009-03-23T14:22:00.003-04:00

I've watched & loved the reimagined "Battlestar Galactica" since it showed up on Sci-Fi just over 4 years ago. I didn't expect to love it. Actually, when I first heard about it I thought it was a spectacularly bad idea. That is, until I actually saw the show. Then I was hooked.

So, here are a few thoughts & observations on the final episode....Spoilers ahead:

*Overall, I enjoyed the finale. I'm still torn on the "give up technology & live off the land" twist. On one hand, what better way to break the cycle of violence & alienation than by having to rely on other people & nature to survive. On the other hand, who wants to live without antibiotics & toilet paper?

*Everyone, more or less, got the ending they deserved. Lee finally gets to be his own man & do his own thing. Chief gets to avenge Cally. Laura gets to lay her burdens down after getting her people home. Ellen & Tighe finally get to be together. Baltar & Caprica Six (who were together at the end of the world) get a second chance at the beginning of a new world. And Starbuck (who was never my favorite character) gets to go away.

*Poor Felix Gaeta. If he'd just held on a little longer, he would've been "Admiral Gaeta", if only for a little while.

*I want a Tyrol action figure with Tory Neck-Snapping action.

I was most surprised that this show, which could be bleak on it's best days, had a more or less happy ending & a much smaller body count than I imagined.

My thanks to Ron Moore, Edward James Olmos, Michael Hogan & the rest of the cast and crew for one of the best shows of the past 5 years. So Say We All!

United We Stand

2009-03-18T13:41:00.002-04:00

Who could have ever guessed that the one issues that would unite our divided population, that would bring together every race, color, creed & gamut of the social and political spectrum, that would heal the divide and have the entire country come together as one, would be the morons at AIG giving out millions in bonuses after taking bailout money from the government.

Seriously guys...when the dudes who burned the house down at Enron are looking at you & saying, "That's seriously not cool.", then you've perpetrated jackassery of the highest order.

Me Tube

2009-03-18T06:18:00.002-04:00

As a person with an unhealthy love for television (if I don't turn my set on, the cable company will call and ask if I'm OK), I've often dreamed of programming my own network. Because I know you've been sitting around asking yourselves the burning question, "What shows, past & present would Chris put on his channel?", I'm gonna tell you.

MONDAY
The Big Bang Theory
Scrubs
MASH
WKRP in Cincinnati
Northern Exposure

TUESDAY
NCIS
The West Wing
Law & Order: Criminal Intent

WEDNESDAY
The Andy Griffith Show (Black & White episodes only)
The Dick Van Dyke Show
SportsNight
Seinfeld
Star Trek

THURSDAY
30 Rock
The Office
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Battlestar Galactica

FRIDAY
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Doctor Who
The Rockford Files

SATURDAY
Dragnet (68-70, Dirty hippies version)
Andy Richter Controls The Universe
Frasier
Firefly

SUNDAY
The Simpsons
King of the Hill
American Dad
Night Court
Hill Street Blues

There were a lot of shows I love that didn't make my prime time schedule. Rest assured, I would find slots for them in other dayparts. But this is a schedule that would keep me glued to my seat every night of the week.

A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

2009-03-17T06:49:00.002-04:00

Usually I'm not one of those people whose mood is adversely affected by the weather. If I'm gonna get whiny & emo & moody, it's because I'm broke or tired or it's a day that ends in "Y." But the weather, I can take or leave.

However, after four days of cold, gray and generally miserable weather, I have gotten into a funk that makes Morrissey look like Mister Rogers. I'm thisclose to shopping at Hot Topic. My Chemical Romance is telling me I need to lighten up. In short, I'm a bit bummed out.

But there is hope (there's always hope)...the one/two combo that is "The Big Bang Theory" & "How I Met Your Mother" made me laugh last night. It wasn't raining on the way to work this morning. There are unsubstantiated rumors that, at some point in the next 24 hours, a big flaming ball of gas will appear in the sky (no, not Rush Limbaugh) and it's actually going to warm up. I have coffee & new episodes of "The Daily Show" & "The Colbert Report" to look forward to. New comics come out tomorrow and the end of the week brings ComedyWorx's 20th anniversary shows & Week 4 of Super Sparkle Showcase.

So all is not doom & gloom. Things will get better. The sun will come out & rainbows & puppies & unicorns will frolic like they've never frolicked before. I'll put away Bob Dylan, throw in some Jimmy Buffett & head for Margaritaville and be my usual happy self...at least until we hit a day that ends in "Y."

The Long & Short Of It

2009-03-11T15:03:00.003-04:00

I've been asked by a few people why I don't perform long-form improv at ComedyWorx. Is it because I hate it (No.) Is it because I think short form is better (Again, No.) Is it because I sucked at it when I did it (That's a matter of opinion, but I hope, No.)

For me, it was a question of time & availability. I took levels 1 and 2 and enjoyed the classes. I felt they helped my overall development as an improviser. But I had to make some decisions before level 3 started.

I knew that potentially adding another night of practice on top of my regular Thursday night ComedyWorx practice was going to severely test the patience of Sainted Wife. She's been very gracious & accomodating these past 5 years where shows and practices have been concerned. There have been many weeks when I've been gone three nights in a row and two of those were weekends. Any additional time commitments (coupled with the fact that it's about a 25 minute drive from Durham to the club) would be asking an awful lot of her.

Secondly, while I like long form, I realized that I truly love short form. I get a huge kick out of performing in the 8:30 shows...it makes me happy. So I decided to stick with the form that brought me the most joy.

I'm thrilled that ComedyWorx offers something for lovers of all kinds of improv. I also marvel at the talent I see onstage during the Late Night at the Worx shows. That's the cool thing about improvisation as an art form...there's something for everyone!

My 100th Blog Super Special Edition

2009-03-11T09:06:00.002-04:00

Wow, my 100th blog. This puts an enormous amount of pressure on me to make it extra special. I've gone through my mental list of possible topics, but I just can't decide on the right one for an event of this magnitude...

*100 Ways America Has Neglected The Poor & Downtrodden Since The Industrial Revolution: Nah, too much of a downer. Plus I'd have to do research & learn stuff about, well, America's neglect of the poor & downtrodden since the Industrial Revolution.

*My 100 Favorite Simpsons Episodes: Who can pick just 100, really?

*100 Reasons Why I'm Awesome: Who can pick just 100, really?

*100 Ways To Leave Your Lover: Paul Simon got it right, there are only 50.

*My 100 Greatest Improv Scenes: When I get past 7, I might come back to this one.

*100 People I Would Hate To Be Trapped In An Elevator With: Almost finished this one, but Rush Limbaugh took up like 60 spots on the list & Ann Coulter took up 37 more, which left no room for the cast of The View, so I had to punt.

*100 Best Internet Insults: Worked on this for a couple of days. FAIL

*100 Funniest Moments From Mad TV: I got nothing at all for this one.

So, there you have it. 100 blogs about stuff I think is interesting and/or funny. I know it's not always been interesting and/or funny, but if you've taken the time to read it (even if you weren't related to me) and maybe enjoyed it once in awhile, I thank you. It's been cheaper than therapy and a whole lot more fun. Keep reading!

Lay Your Hands On Me

2009-03-09T13:14:00.000-04:00

Just saw a commercial for a local Lasik provider. One of the ladies in the spot said it worked so well that it was like, "Jesus just laid his hands on my eyes and said "You're healed."

Just a couple of observations:

1) I don't think those were the healing hands of Jesus ma'am...that was a laser cutting into your eyeballs.

2) If it was Jesus who healed you, I don't think Our Lord & Savior would ask for $2,500 because your insurance company wouldn't cover elective surgery.

Who's Watching The Watchmen?

2009-03-05T06:41:00.002-05:00

Just a few thoughts on the not-yet-released-but-long-awaited film adaptation of Alan Moore's "Watchmen."

*What we're getting is not Alan Moore's "Watchmen." It's an adaptation. There are going to be differences (some minor, some major) from the graphic novel. Rabid fanboys, and I say this with nothing but love & affection because in many ways I am one of you, GET OVER IT. I know you won't & I know you're going to waste an inordinate amount of time over the next 72 hours or so yelling and screaming about how Zach Snyder destroyed a national treasure & calling for his head on a platter. Save yourself the grief. Nothing Snyder does will change one word or image in the copy of "Watchmen" on your bookshelf. It's there any time you want to read it.

*I truly believe there's going to be no middle ground when it comes to reviews. People are either going to love it or despise it. It's not the kind of material that lends itself to "That was OK" reviews.

*There are also going to be any number of critics who won't have bothered to familiarize themselves with the source material. I predict that they definitely won't get it.

*No matter how it turns out, there's only one shot at this. Thankfully, "Watchmen" doesn't lend itself to sequels or a franchise. So whatever is up on the screen on Friday is the best we're going to get (at least until the longer Director's Cut DVD is released.)

*As for me...I'm going to see it. I can't wait & I'm hoping for the best.

In the immortal words of Rorshach..."Hrm."

Song & Dance Man

2009-03-03T18:05:00.000-05:00

For someone who can't sing & can't dance, I've got an inordinate love for Broadway musicals.

I think this is because one of the first films I fell in love with was "West Side Story." I saw it when I was in elementary school and thought the Jets & Sharks were ridiculously cool.

Growing up with Disney movies like "Mary Poppins", where people bursting into song was commonplace, helped develop the necessary suspension of disbelief to buy into musicals. It didn't hurt that I was taken as a child to the Cumbeland County Playhouse to see live versions of shows like "The Fantasticks", "The Music Man" and "Bye Bye Birdie."

So naturally, I grew up thinking that nothing could be better than getting the opportunity to sing & dance onstage. And then, life played the first of its many cruel tricks: I discovered that not only could I not sing well enough to fulfill that dream, but also that rhythm had also been genetically bred out of my family pool. Oh, cruel fate how you mock me!

So I'll never be a Broadway star. But I'll always be a song & dance man at heart.

Brave and the Bold"ly Going

2009-02-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

If you're not watching "Batman: The Brave & the Bold" airing Fridays at 8pm on Cartoon Network, then you're missing a show that's 12 kinds of awesome.

From the Dick Sprang inspired art design to the team-ups you never thought you'd see on TV (Blue Beetle, Deadman & Kamandi to name just a few) to the solid voice work of Diedrich Bader as The Caped Crusader (Bader straddles the line between gruff, Kevin Conroy "Dark Knight" & Adam West 60's classic perfectly), B&tB has something for every comics/Batman fan.

This week's episode opened the door to the infinite earths of the DC Universe & had Bats impersonating Owlman to take down that earth's Injustice League. It's a 2-parter that wraps up next week and I can't wait.

So, if you want a weekly Batman fix with a Darknight Detective that isn't, you know, an obsessive jerk then "Batman: The Brave & The Bold" is for you. Check it out!

Art Without A Net

2009-02-27T11:41:00.000-05:00

Why do I love improv?

It's the only art form (yeah...it's an art) that gets created as it happens.

Books and movies take years to complete. Songs, symphonies and plays are written and rehearsed many times before the public sees them. Painters slave over a canvas alone before exhibiting a piece.

But not improv. Improv springs forth fully formed, like Venus from the forehead of Zeus, as soon as the performers hear the suggestion. It's raw, primal and immediate. It's art without a net.

That's the thrill of watching & performing improv. Anything can happen. It's the rush of the unexpected meeting the spark of inspiration.

It's an adrenaline rush that's hard to beat. If you're not already a fan, you should check it out. You won't be disappointed!

Step Away From The Eggs

2009-02-25T07:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not a regular viewer of the Food Network. But my only other treadmill viewing options at the gym yesterday were CNN and Fast Money on MSNBC, so I went with the channel that was least likely to make me need anti-depressants. What I saw shook me to the core.

Food Network Lady (or "FNL" for short) was attempting to "spice up" scrambled eggs. First of all, next to bacon, scrambled eggs are the perfect food...there's no reason to "spice them up." And secondly, according to Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Ph D and his intensive scrambled egg research, "Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to get." This, of course was right before his breakthrough work with bioluminescent goldfish. But I digress.

ANYWAY...imagine my horror when FNL unveiled that her secret ingredient for "spicing up" scrambled eggs was...wait for it...asparagus! Friends & neighbors, I almost fell off the treadmill.

Now, I'm not one of those Amish food people who believe that any deviation from the norm is the work of Beezlebub. I've been know to throw some bacon bits on my peanut butter sandwich (shut up...I like it) and Lord knows that hash browns go to a whole 'nother level when they get scattered, smothered & covered.

But there is something so stomach-churningly wrong about adding asparagus to scrambled eggs that words fail me. Adding asparagus to anything is bad enough, but what did those poor eggs ever do to deserve that?

Oh, yeah...she made a special drink to wash down this gastrointestinal WMD she created...Pineapple Margaritas.

Somebody get me some Maalox.

Movie Firsts

2009-02-23T11:52:00.003-05:00

In celebration of last night's Academy Awards, I thought I'd share a few of my very own "Movie Firsts."

FIRST MOVIE I EVER SAW
Song of the South
Controversial, polarizing, insensitive...all words that have been used to describe this Disney classic. But to a 5 year old, it was opening the door to a whole new world.

FIRST CLASSIC FILM I SAW IN THE THEATER (NON DISNEY CATEGORY)
Gone With The Wind
My parents took me to a rerelease when I was 6 or 7. I remember asking at intermission if it was over. I never fell as in love with it as some people have, but it holds a special place in my heart.

FIRST MOVIE I SAW BY MYSELF
Benji
I don't remember the circumstances that led me to being dropped off to see this cute puppy movie. What I do know is that I was having a grand old time until the mean kidnappers kicked Benji's little girlfriend & I lost it. Everything turned out OK in the end, but it was the first time (but not the last) I got sucker punched by a kid's movie.

FIRST MOVIE I TOOK MYSELF TOO (JUST GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE CATEGORY)
Fletch
When I turned 16 & realized that I didn't have to rely on other people to get me to the theater, I was as happy as a pig in mud. Technically, I might have seen the Bond flick "A View To A Kill" before "Fletch", but since "A View To A Kill" sucked & "Fletch" was awesome, I'm declaring "Fletch" the winner.

FIRST MOVIE I TOOK A DATE TO (DIDN'T SEE THE WHOLE MOVIE CATEGORY)
Cocoon
The summer of Fletch was also the summer that a girl started talking to me of her on volition at the mall one day. We hit it off & met that weekend to see "Cocoon." PG rated shenanigans ensued. Thank you Steve Guttenberg.

FIRST MOVIE THAT DOOMED A RELATIONSHIP
Raising Arizona
Spring break, senior year of high school. I took a lovely young lady to see this Coen Brothers classic. I spent the whole two hours laughing my fool head off. She spent it looking at me like I was a fool for laughing. Discussions ensued. I picked the Coen Brothers over her. I regret nothing.

FIRST MOVIE I SAW WITH SAINTED GIRLFRIEND WHO BECAME SAINTED WIFE
Married To The Mob
Technically on our second date, I still don't think this was a great movie but the company was so good we've been together over 20 years. So, thanks Dean Stockwell, Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Modine and a very young, very thin Alec Baldwin.

And just for kicks & giggles...not so much firsts as interesting facts....

TWO MOVIES I GOT TO SEE BECAUSE WHAT I WENT TO SEE WAS SOLD OUT
A) I got to see Star Wars the first time because Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo was sold out. The Force is strong, but apparently not stronger than Don Knotts.

B) My dad & I went to see Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Once again, sold out. So we saw Steven Speilberg's 1941 instead. I still think it's underrated.

BEST DATE MOVIE OF MY MISSPENT YOUTH
Top Gun
I saw the Tom Cruise as naval aviator epic four times with three different girls the summer it came out. What can I say...I had the need, the need for speed.

ONLY MOVIE I'VE EVER SAT ON THE FLOOR TO SEE
Iron Eagle
Yes, that "Iron Eagle." The one that Lou Gossett, Jr. should be forced to return his Oscar for appearing in. The theater was packed, so I sat on the floor. In my defense, there was a girl involved.

BEST TRIPLE FEATURE (HANGING OUT WITH DANIEL AT VANDY EDITION)
Full Metal Jacket
Moonstruck
Good Morning Vietnam
My friend Daniel & I would work a simple scam our Freshman year of college. A new theater opened up that had midnight shows on Friday & Saturday nights. We would go to the 9pm show, pick a movie on the same side of the theater and attend the midnight show for free. Since we were broke college students & a lot of the movies we saw free sucked (Loose Cannons with Gene Hackman & Dan Aykroyd ring any bells), we were untroubled by our ethical lapses.
ANNNNYWAY....For my birthday that year, we ran the gauntlet & saw Kubrick's Vietnam epic on campus at Vanderbilt (I still maintain that Full Metal Jacket is half a masterpiece. The half devoted to training the recruits is miles better than the "find the sniper" second half), went to Fountain Square to see Moonstruck because (a) I had faked a review of it for my campus paper & actually wanted to see it (there was a girl involved) and (b) needed a little lighter fare and then wrapped up the day with more Vietnam highjinks.

So there are a few of my movie memories. Hope you enjoyed them.

True Story

2009-02-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

Last Friday, I was hanging out at Hiberian while waiting to meet up with some friends when something very unusual happened (at least it's unusual for me)

Sitting at the bar sipping a Coke when a lady walks by me on the way back to her seat. She stops, looks at me & says, "You look like my best friend Michael. He's very handsome." and then she walks away.

Now friends & neighbors, I've been called a lot of things over the course of my four score years: Funny, nice, cute, sweet and a few things that weren't so complimentary. But I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've been flat out called "handsome"...and never, ever by a total stranger for apparently no reason at all.

To be completely honest, I totally dug it & quite frankly actually believed it for awhile. And before you ask,no she wasn't drunk, blind or crazy...at least I don't think she was.

So thank you total stranger for brightening my day and boosting my self-esteem at the end of a long, tiring work week.

Flirting With Disaster

2009-02-17T09:45:00.002-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that I am a bit of a flirt. I plead guilty to that. I am a flirt and I expect to be until the day I die. In fact, if I'm not flirting then someone should really check my pulse, because I'm probably dead.

While I do enjoy flirting with women, I do not hit on them. There is a very definite difference and woe be unto the man who doesn't know it. Flirting is fun and should be enjoyable for both parties. Hitting on someone (who isn't interested) is creepy, off putting and makes you look like a jerk. As a public service to all my male brethren, here are the inherent differences between flirting and hitting on.

(Why am I only addressing the men? In the first place, I happen to be one & have some experience in the matter and in the second place, it's a sad but true fact that men don't care if they're being flirted with or hit on as long as a woman is paying attention to them)

A. Flirting, when done correctly, can be done anywhere & anytime. It's always complimentary and with totally innocent intentions and expectations. You're not trying to "get" anything. As a matter of fact, if you are skilled enough, you can flirt with someone in front of their significant other without getting you teeth kicked in. The reason is simple and bears repeating: You are not trying to achieve anything other than making the flirtee feel better about themselves. There is no agenda to flirting.

B. Hitting on is done with the intention of some sort of personal gain. If you and the lady are both unattached (and the lady is receptive), then no harm no foul. However, if you're seriously hitting on someone in a relationship then you're a scumbag who deserves whatever butt whoopin' you get. Some of the slimier forms of this tactic include trying to plant seeds of doubt, slandering the boyfriend/husband or generally saying things like, "You could do so much better than him." There isn't a circle of Hell deep enough for men who use these tactics.

If you find yourself confused about your intentions, try this little tip: If someone said what you're about to say to your sister, would you stab them repeatedly with a spork without fear or regard for retribution or jail time? If the answer is "yes", then you might want to rethink your approach.

Flirting is a wonderful thing...we all want to feel attractive and desireable. Use your powers for good, because with great power comes great responsibility.

Rats

2009-02-10T07:07:00.002-05:00

Friends & neighbors, I have seen the heart of darkness. I have stared into the abyss. I have crossed the barren wastes of armageddon. I spent Saturday afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese and lived to tell the tale.

My beloved sister asked if we could have our shared birthday celebration at the home of Mr. Cheese. Because I love her dearly and knew that 18-month old Sainted Nephew Colton might have fun, I agreed. Hanging out with them, our parents & Sainted Wife was fun. The pizza was surprisingly edible (or at least didn't try & violently escape later) and Colt did seem to enjoy himself. So all that was good.

But the dead-eyed looks of existential angst on the faces of the employees was a sight to behold. The sheer desperation and agony at being forced to lead around some pour soul stuffed into a smelly mascot suit could just break your heart. I saw employees playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would clean up a wet bathroom (and with roughly 12,500 kids in the building, you couldn't have gotten me in one of those bathrooms at gunpoint.) We asked one of them who cleans up the munchkin habitrail that was so popular with the kids. The answer: "That's a fun job...sometimes it gets cleaned & sometimes it doesn't."

The teenagers I could understand. This was just a part time gig to make a little folding money. It was adults who worked there who broke my heart. You could see it in their faces...how did it come to this? Perhaps they turned to the bottle in their youth and this was all they could get. Perhaps they majored in Elizabethan poetry or Conversational Klingon in college. But how do you get up every single day knowing that all that lies ahead is 8 hours of screaming kids and animatronic rats? If it were me, I'd have to lock up all firearms and sharp objects.

So beware...count your blessings. The next time you're tempted to think that your job sucks & nothing could possibly be worse, say to yourself "It's not Chuck E. Cheese. It's not Chuck E. Cheese."

Unless it is...in which case, may God have mercy on your soul!

Justify My Love

2009-02-04T06:23:00.002-05:00

I've spent far too much time over the course of my 40 years explaining, defending or sometimes outright apologizing for movies, music & TV shows that I enjoy. Well, not any more. The crappy things I love (and make no mistake, some of the stuff I love is pure unadulterated crap) are crap, but they're my crap, dagnabit! Confession is good for the soul, so here's a few things that I have adored and, in some cases, still do:

Bruce Willis' "The Return of Bruno"
I listened to the cassette so much, I wore it out. If it was available on CD, I'd wear that out as well

"Rhinestone" starring Sylvester Stallone & Dolly Parton
There's nothing funnier than Stallone trying to be a country singer...except Stallone making his debut singing "Drinkingstein." I had the soundtrack to this as well

Grease 2
I liked it better than Grease & watched it at least once a day the summer I taped it off of HBO

"Convoy" by CW McCall
The ultimate truck driving song. I even bought McCall's Greatest Hits CD.

Hudson Hawk
Bruce Willis strikes again! A complete mess of a movie that entertains me every time I see it.

"Patches" by Clarence Carter
Maybe not as well known as "Strokin", but this "dead father places burden of family farm on son" song is awesome on so many levels.

Necessary Roughness
I love this Scott Bakula/Kathy Ireland football epic like a fat kid loves cookies.

Hee Haw
Grew up watching it. Still love it. The Hee Haw Honeys were my first crush.

There are many, many more that I could list...and still might. Some would say that this is my "guilty pleasure" list. They would be incorrect. I don't feel guilty at all.

I love this crap!

Best Birthday Ever!

2009-01-29T16:07:00.000-05:00

David Kross, who co-stars with Kate Winslet in "The Reader", had to wait until he turned 18 to film his steamy love scenes for the film.

I think I got a shirt & some sunglasses when I turned 18.

Kids today have it waaaaaayyyy better than I did.

Stupid kids.

Karma Can Be A, Well You Know

2009-01-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

Four years ago, we had to get new windows. After a lengthy sales pitch from Sears Home Central (A name you can trust), we decided to go with them.

We were told we had one year to pay with no interest (which if you've ever priced windows, you'll know why we laughed & laughed), so we asked what the monthly payment would be after that. The first bill came & it was indeed the quoted price. Subsequent bills were higher & we discovered that the salesman hadn't revealed that we had an adjustible interest rate (something that is out of the question for us.) Long story short, we went to the Credit Union, paid 'em off & vowed never to use them again.

So tonight, a nice young man from Sears Home Central (A name that means "We'll rip you off."), offering free quotes for home improvements. I asked if they were still sticking people with adjustible rates without telling them. He said they'd gotten a lot of feedback about that & that's why they were "giving back to the community by offering these quotes." I told him politely, "Thanks but no thanks."

Karma sure can be a %i&$~.

Guess Who, Indeed.

2009-01-20T07:00:00.002-05:00

It's the day millions of people have waited for for eight years and the day millions more have been looking forward to since November. The fanfare and hoopla which everyone is knee-deep in (with apologies to Starship) is everywhere. There's going to be wall-to-wall television coverage of today's historic inauguration. But it's important to make sure that the little moments don't slip through the cracks.

On this momentous day, what movie do you think Turner Classic Movies is showing to celebrate the new President?

"Guess Who's Coming To Dinner"

I love irony.

Taking The Pledge

2009-01-17T06:06:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to do it. I got out...I was clean. I'm not going to get sucked in again.
I will not watch the last season of "Battlestar Galactica."

It's brilliant television. A stellar cast, great writing, deep mythology and riveting three dimensional characters that you care deeply about.

It also can be one of the grimmest, darkest, most depressing hours of TV you'd ever want to see. You could use up a years worth of anti-depressants on one episode and never crack a smile.

Granted, a show that starts out with the annihilation of the human race isn't going to be a laugh a minute but absolutely no one on BG ever has a good day. Which is why I had to give it up last year. There were episodes of Galactica that made Oz look like The Muppet Show.

I'm going to stay strong...I'm not going to be lured back in. I'm done. I'm out. I don't need compelling drama or intense action or literate science fiction. I'm a rock. I'm strong. No, no, no!

Who am I kidding. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, full-blown, five-alarm geek. A Buffy loving, Star Trekking, Comic reading, Web slinging, Tardis riding, Quantum Leaping nerd with absolutely no will power and I have no shame in admitting it.

I'm reporting for duty Admiral Adama...take me home!

Idol Chatter

2009-01-13T06:19:00.002-05:00

It's finally here. Can you feel the electricity in the air? American Idol is back on our TV machines! Bad auditions! Dreams coming true! Crazy Paula! Jerky Simon! The New Girl with no distinct characteristics yet! The culmination of all that is good and wonderful in the world!!!!!!

And, just to clear things up before the big premiere, I don't give a crap.

When I say I don't give a crap, I mean I really, really, really don't give a crap. I don't give a crap about the psychos who don't have a shot but humiliate themselves for the chance to be on TV. I don't give a crap about the final (what seems like) 200 who spend (what seems like) nine months being whittled down to the final two. I don't give a crap about the judges, the song choices, the guest stars, the never ending media obsession, the eventual winner, the eventual winner's crappy debut album or pretty much anything associated with the show. If possible, I give even less of a crap about Ryan Seacrest.

Now before you Idol fans start losing your minds, let me be clear: If you enjoy the show, good for you. I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that there is anything wrong with being a fan. If it brings you joy or happiness, then more power to you. Feel free to watch & vote & root, root, root for your favorite contestant.

I however, as stated above, don't give a crap. Knowing this up front will save everyone some awkward moments in the coming months. I don't have to pretend to be interested in the show just to avoid being rude. We can find other topics of conversation that don't involve you trying to convince me that American Idol is worth my time and attention. Trust me, you're not going to convince me of that.

So enjoy the new season, Dawg! I'll just sit over here & enjoy the shows that are probably going to be canceled simply because they had the misfortune to be scheduled against Idol.

Ayers Out!

Early Oscar Predictions

2009-01-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

Based on the just completed Golden Globes, here are my totally unscientific predictions for this year's Academy Awards...

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Actor: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress: Kate Winslet

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger

Best Supporting Actress: Someone other than Kate Winslet

"Wait," you ask, "Just how are these bold predictions?" Good question...they're not. The Oscars aren't about surprises. They're about safety. Which means I'm wrong about Best Actor & Best Picture, cause the Academy probably won't let a wild card like Rourke finish his victory lap for "The Wrestler" and will choose to honor something more homegrown than "Slumdog."

There are really only 3 safe bets: Kate Winslet for either Best Actress or Supporting Actress, Heath Ledger for Supporting Actor and "Wall-E" for Best Animated Film.

Age Like Wine

2009-01-05T12:05:00.005-05:00

Many people dread turning 40. Not me...I'm anxiously counting down the days. I can't friggin' wait. It's going to be the most liberating experience of my life, because I will have finally achieved that which man has dreamed of for generations...total invisibility.

The path to invisibility began the day I turned 36. The most attractive demographics for marketers are between the ages of 18-35. Once I passed my sell by (or sell to, as the case may be) date, my opinion no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. I no longer had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy." People who have known me for any length of time might argue that I never had any influence over what was "hot" or "cool" or "trendy. They're pretty much correct...only now, it's official.

Being off the marketing radar has completely freed me from all the pressures of caring what people think about what I watch, buy or listen to. I can now fully embrace CBS's lineup of crime procedurals like "NCIS" & "The Mentalist" without feeling like an old fart. I can watch nothing but "Law & Order" reruns 24-7 and no one will think it's the least bit odd. I've even started talking back to the news & referring to shows I regularly watch as "my stories" just to get used to it.

Musically, it doesn't matter what I listen to. It's all gonna be classified as "oldies" or "classic rock." So if I stuff my CD changer with The Statler Brothers Greatest Hits followed by Green Day followed by Convoy followed by Dean Martin, I'm not being "ironic" or "retro"...I'm just another old dude who likes weird music.

I can wear whatever I want. The only purpose clothes have for me now is to keep me from being arrested when I go out in public. I could have a hoodie/sweatpants mix and match combo for every day of the week (making sure I have a black or blue pair for church on Sunday.) I can pull my pants up to my armpits, eat dinner at 4:30 and go to bed at 6. I can use phrases like, "Back in my day...." and they'll actually mean something. I can tell & re-tell the same stories over & over & over again and not care if the person listening has already heard them or not. They're my stories, dagnabit, and I'm gonna tell them. See, I used "dagnabit" in a sentence...I'm getting good at this already!

I have many close personal friends who are going to point out that I've pretty much been doing everything I listed above since I was 16 years old...and they're right. But from the ages of 16 to 39, people were still paying attention. My age is finally catching up with my lifestyle and I say, "Bring it on!!"

Now what are you whippersnappers wasting your time trolling around on the internets machine? Back in my day, we didn't have no fancy internets machine...you don't know how good you've got it. I've got to go...it's almost time for my stories.

Random Thoughts

2009-01-03T16:24:00.000-05:00

Tso is the only General best remembered for being a chicken

Revenge is a dish best served cold with a house salad & side of fries

You may not always want to dance, but it's nice to be asked

You never know who your friends are until you run thorough background checks on them

Self-absorption is the privilege of the elderly or the unwell...if you're neither, you need to knock it off

Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things

Don't drink water...fish poop in it

You can say a lot while still saying nothing at all

Even negative attention is better than being ignored

Nirvana killed goofy hair metal & took the fun out of rock and roll

No one needs to know what you're doing every minute of every day

If you have one person you know you can truly depend on, you're luckier than most

Every good thing is finite...everything changes, so enjoy the glory days while you have them

Sudden Movements

2008-12-30T06:17:00.004-05:00

I believe the leading cause of holiday stress has nothing to do with how you actually feel about your family. You can take all the pop psychology theories that Oprah & Dr. Phil spew and throw them right out the window. The true underlying cause of stress, frustration and all the crap that happens when families get together is, well, literally crap. More specifically, where we crap.

The one thing I miss most when I travel is my own bathroom. It's like my own little Fortress of Solitude. I know where the extra toilet paper is if the roll is empty. I know that when I'm in there, no one's gonna bother me. I know that with the fan going whatever is happening can't be heard by anyone else. I'm safe, secure and relaxed. And, as we all know, relaxation is very important when taking care of business.

But when we travel, everything that was certain becomes an X-factor: Where's the backup TP? No fan...can anyone hear me & how much Glade do I use? Why are people standing outside the door, yelling up the hall about where we're going to dinner? Do they not know what's going on in here? Let's not forget the horror of discovering that maybe your family only uses Ply when you're used to, at the bare minimum, 2 Ply or quilted. That throws off your sense of proportion and can lead to the 5 words you never want to say to your host, "Do you have a plunger?"

All of this uncertainty leads to tension, which of course causes people to get off schedule. Being off schedule for a day is no big deal. But if your visit lasts, say a week to ten days and add in multiple locations, a wide variety of food choices and having to wait on other people to finish their business before you can start yours and folks are going to start getting a little cranky.

This conundrum works both ways. It's not just when you go visit relatives. It happens to them when they come to visit you. If Dad or Cousin Bo seem a little edgy by the end of the weekend, it's not because they don't enjoy your company...it's because they're backed up.

Also, if you're having guests, please make sure everything works and all needed materials can be easily found. Don't hide the spare rolls in cute, discreet boxes or cozies. Your guests need visual confirmation in an emergency that everything they need will be literally at arms length. Having to yell plaintively "Need a little help" is a humiliation that should be avoided at all costs.

Unfortunately, there is no easy solution. Unless you want to run to the nearest convenience store when nature calls (and public restrooms are potential minefield in their own right), you're just going to have to deal with it. So, I encourage patience and consideration when you've got to be away from your own facilities. Remember, we're all in this together (though not literally, because that would be gross.)

Odd Occurence

2008-12-28T06:52:00.000-05:00

A couple of days after Christmas, I had a rather odd thing happen & I wanted to share it with all of you.

Seeking respite from family time, I snuck off to a local bar. The place was pretty deserted. In fact, except for a couple of people at tables there was no one anywhere near me except the bartender & he was talking to the waitress at the other end of the bar.

So you could imagine my surprise when I heard someone say to me as plain as day "Nice shirt.". I looked around, a bit confused, but didn't see anyone. A few minutes later I heard someone say "Nice haircut.". I looked around again...nobody was there. A minute or so later, I hear "Nice shoes."

By this time, I'm confused & a little annoyed. I call the bartender over & tell him what I've heard.

He tells me "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."

My Christmas Specials

2008-12-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

Every year beginning right after Thanksgiving, I start watching the various Christmas specials & episodes that I have accumulated on DVD. I never get all of the ones I want to see watched, but I give it the old college try.

As the season winds down, I thought I'd share my Christmas season playlist. In no particular order, here's what made me Holly & Jolly this year:

It's A Wonderful Life

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

The Dick Van Dyke Show: "The Alan Brady Show Presents"...Rob, Laura & the cast celebrate Christmas at the Alan Brady Show

The West Wing: "In Excelsis Deo"...Toby honors a homeless vet, President Bartlet goes Christmas shopping & Mrs. Landingham misses her boys

Saturday Night Live: The Best of Christmas Past...classic sketches from Belushi, Aykroyd & Farley

The Year Without A Santa Claus

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

A Charlie Brown Christmas

So, however you're spending Christmas Eve, from my blog to yours Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and to all a good night!

Sports Night

2008-12-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

I know many people who love sports. They enjoy watching highly trained athletes pitting their skills against one another. They love the thrill of competition. They live and die with their favorite teams.

More power to them. I am not one of these people.

"Apathetic" doesn't begin to cover how I feel about sports. I realize as a Southern male that I'm supposed to have some sort of genetic predisposition to athletics, but apparently it skipped me and got passed to my sister instead.

Part of it is due to the fact that I have no depth perception. I can't judge distances until something is literally a foot in front of my face. Since proficiency in most sports require being able to catch and/or throw with some accuracy, I'm spit out of luck there.

The other factor is my inherent laziness. I'm a watcher by nature, not a doer. I can provide smart aleck commentary with the best of them...just don't ask me to participate in what I'm mocking.

In addition, I figured out early on that one person/team/animal or car would an could run faster/jump higher or score more points than another person/team/animal or car. The law of averages demands it...otherwise all sports would wind up like a typical pee wee soccer match and no one wants that.

Over the years, I've learned to fake an interest in sports to avoid being rude. I know enough rudimentary information to appear interested when someone corners me about the BCS, NHL or March Madness, but as I get older it's getting harder & harder to pull off.

I love movies & TV shows about sports. I think because the time commitment is much shorter and I pretty much know who's going to win right from the start.

So sports fans, please enjoy your pastime to your heart's content. I'll just be over here napping.

Careful What You Wish For...12 Days Edition

2008-12-18T06:33:00.002-05:00

Because I was bored the other day, I did some math while listening to "The 12 Days of Christmas."

There were 23 birds given during the aforementioned 12 days. Think about that for a second...23 birds. Even by Victorian standards, that's a lot of poultry. I imagine that the lady's "True Love", being a typically clueless gift giving dude thought to himself "She really seemed to like that partridge in a pear tree. That means she likes birds. I'm gonna get her more birds."

After the 4th day, the lady was hinting strongly that if she got any more birds, she would deck him instead of the halls, so he ditched the 5 Chickens Clucking and resorted to jewelry...always a safe fallback gift. Unfortunately, he'd already bought the 7 swans a swimming and the 6 geese a laying and lost the receipts...which is why his beloved got 5 rings instead of one K-Mart chain purchased right before closing.

You have to be really careful when even casually mentioning things you like around gift giving times. I'm reminded of the time I made an offhand remark to Sainted Wife's grandmother that I liked Red Hots. What I meant was that once every 10 years or so, I might eat half a box of Red Hots, remember why I stopped eating them in third grade and throw the rest away.

What she took from the conversation was that Red Hots were my absolute favorite thing in the whole wide world. Which explains why I received a four-foot plastic candy cane full of Red Hots the following Christmas. In retrospect, I wish I had told her I liked 5 dollar bills.

Annual Review

2008-12-15T06:22:00.003-05:00

In a little over a week, Christmas will be here. Time for eating & partying with friends and family. Also time for your annual performance review.

What's that...Christmas is a performance review? You bet it is. When you're unwrapping those gifts under the tree, what you receive is a comment on what kind of person you've been since last Christmas. Here's a handy chart to help you see where you stand:

A) YOU GET 90% THINGS YOU WANT
Congratulations...your performance has been mostly excellent this year. No major screw ups, no indiscretions that wound up on You Tube...you even remembered your mother's birthday. Look to receive most of what you've been hinting at since your birthday.

B) YOU GET 50% THINGS YOU WANT/50% THINGS YOU NEED
Oooh...looks like there's room for improvement here. You were pretty decent, but perhaps you made an ill timed comment about how your wife/girlfriend's mother is annoying or forgot to lower the seat once too often. Things like that will cost you that "Dark Knight" DVD you wanted and get you a nice pair of slacks. Better be more detail oriented in 2009.

C) YOU GET 90% THINGS YOU NEED
Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Looks like someone was a big jerk this year. Made a lot of major mistakes...commenting on weight gain, forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day, maybe even voting Republican. These were costly, costly errors that need to be corrected immediately. You're looking not only at slacks, but socks and underwear as well. You're flying very close to the Danger Zone, Maverick and Goose has already bailed out.

D) YOU GET THINGS PEOPLE THINK YOU NEED
President Bush had a better year than you. Expect to find self help books, weight loss drinks, shirts that your Dad would wear and personal grooming products under the tree. If you've really screwed the pooch, you're gonna get something plaid or even worse....some sort of food item. Food as a gift basically says "Basic nourishment is all you deserve. I'm willing to keep you alive & that's about it."

With only 10 days left until Christmas, you might want to put in some overtime if you think there's a jug of windshield wiper fluid or fruitcake in your future. Be good for goodness sake!

The Shoe Fits

2008-12-11T23:24:00.000-05:00

A few thoughts about RLT's 25th anniversary production of "Cinderella"...but first, a couple of confessions:

1) Though I've lived in Raleigh for 6 years, I have never been to one of its long-running Christmas productions. No particular reason...just haven't.

2) Between the weather, work, traffic & spilling tea on the first French fries I'd had in a long time, I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I took my seat. If I hadn't promised a dear friend I'd go, I probably wouldn't have braved the monsoon. But I'm glad I did. By the time the cast took their final bows, I was feeling holly and jolly.

"Cinderella" is a great way to spend a December night at the theater. It has great songs, big laughs, bad jokes, a talented cast having what looks like the time of their lives and true love. What more could you want?

Since I am in no way, shape or form the actual target audience for the show, I'm not going to quibble over the script or other traditional review fodder. I will be more than happy to praise the cast.

Every one of them gave fun & lively performances. I didn't have a program, so I can't give them the full credit they deserve...but Cinderella's step-family all but steal the show right out from under our heroine. What scenes they don't walk away with are pilfered by the Fairy Godmother and her assistants Snow & Flake.

The kids in the audience had a ball & so did the grownups. Make time to see "Cinderella." You'll be glad you did!

Circular Logic

2008-12-09T06:32:00.003-05:00

I find myself with nothing particularly interesting to write about at the moment...so I write a blog about having nothing to write about.

There's nothing out of the ordinary going on...so I Twitter about how there's nothing out of the ordinary going on.

I don't have any remarkable insights...so I update my Facebook status to tell people that I don't have any remarkable insights.

There's nothing I want to watch on TV...so I spend an extra half-hour flipping channels to make sure there's nothing I want to watch on TV.

Radio stations either play new music that sucks or old music that I've heard so many times that I think it sucks even if I once thought it was cool...so I scan the dial and complain about the new music that sucks or the old music that sucks because I've heard it so many times.

I have nothing to write about...so I write a blog about how I have nothing to write about because there's nothing out of the ordinary going on, I don't have any remarkable insights, there's nothing to watch on TV and music either sucks because it's new or because it's old and I've heard it so many times that I think it sucks.

And just like that...we're done.

Rage

2008-12-03T07:23:00.002-05:00

Rage is all the rage these days. Everyone's ticked off about something: the economy, elections, traffic...you name it, somebody's p.o.ed about it.

But there's a special type of anger that has gone widely unnoticed but attention must be paid.

I speak of (insert dramatic musical sting) Geek Rage.

No group of people can get their Underoos in a twist faster than geeks. There are literally thousands of topics that can send them off into spasms of anger and frustration. For example:

*Star Trek vs Star Wars
*Marvel vs DC
*PC vs Mac
*Superman vs Batman
*Harry Potter vs Lord of The Rings
*Any filmed adaptation of a beloved childhood cartoon/comic book/tv show

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I am a proud card-carrying geek myself (I know you're shocked) and participated in many discussions/arguments that are so geeky they make me want to give myself a wedgie. But until the worldwide Interweb gave geeks a voice, I never knew what real, hardcore Geek Rage looked or sounded like.

It's not pretty...but it is funny. Don't believe me? Go to aintitcoolnews.com and read the talkback section on pretty much any topic. Responses start out with reasonable differences of opinion and quickly degenerate into profanity, name calling and character assassination of the highest order. And this is typically about movies that haven't even been shot yet.

It's ridiculously easy to set geeks off...in fact, I bet I can do it right now. Ready...here we go:

I haven't seen "Twilight" and don't plan too because I'm not a 15-year old, too much mascara wearing, Hot Topic shopping Anne Rice reading girl.

Too easy? All right, let's try another one:

The shows we loved growing up? Mostly crap. Especially the cartoons. "GI Joe"...crap. "Transformers"...crap. "He-Man"...crap with a sword. "Thundercats"...a clumpy litter box full of crap. Poorly animated, lowest common denominator, toy commercial crap.

I bet some of you are really ticked off right now. Congratulations...you're a geek. Welcome to my world.